Week 730: Time-Wastes For Everyman


Along with his entry for Week 726, Loser Russ Taylor of Vienna marveled
at the amount of brainpower that must have gone into compiling the
database at OEDILF.com , which now
includes more than 43,000 limericks defining words in the Oxford English
Dictionary -- and it's not even finished with the C's. "The OEDILF makes
me think that there is a contest in describing activities that make
entering The Style Invitational seem like a constructive use of one's
time." Okay, seems as good a waste of effort as anything else.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives the Float'n Firefly toothbrush, which besides containing
a snow-globish thing in its handle, encourages extensive brushing by
flashing red lights in your face for a full 60 seconds. What lovelier
way to enjoy the peace of the early morning, now that Howard Stern is no
longer on the free airwaves?

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever
they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17. Put "Week 730" in the
subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include
your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Oct. 6. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of
Washington. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bruce Alter of
Fairfax Station.

Report From Week 726, in which we sought limericks featuring words beginning with cl- through
co-:

4. If complacency strikes, you may find
That you're not the industrious kind.
Though your life could be better,
You're not a go-getter.
But so what? It's okay, you don't mind. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

3. Does my constantrepeating suggest
That I'm senile or totally stressed?
I forget what I've said
And it fills me with dread . . .
Does my constant repeating suggest . . . (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2. the winner of the Swedish 2006 year-in-review and the Polish
translation of Candace Bushnell's "4 Blondes":

At Communion, my soul staves off danger
All thanks to that kid from the manger.
If I nibble the Host
While forgetting the Ghost,
I'm just a poor wafering stranger. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

And the Winner of the Inker

Though we opened to critics' acclaim,
My play died in three days. I'm to blame,
Since the title, so vital
To any recital,
Was "Closedfor Repairs" -- no one came. (Chris Strolin, Belleville, Ill.)

AABBA'S B-Sides

Cox was a cocky young coxswain
Who because of his heart took digoxswain.
He kept all his meds in
(And also his Keds in)
The boxswain which Cox kept his soxswain. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

"If I said that I hadn't a clue,
"Then, Watson, just what would you do?"
"Well, Holmes, I confess,
"I would probably guess!"
"Which is why, Watson, I am not you." (Richard English, Partridge
Green, West Sussex, England)

At the precinct, I stopped up the flow on
All the urinals, toilets and so on.
But they've none to accuse.
As I left them no clues--
And the cops have got nothing to go on. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village,
Tex.)

The Donald's a whiz with a reel
And a shark when he's closingthe deal.
His slippery morays
And conger-line forays
Appear in "The Dart of the Eel." (Chris Doyle)

I'll be very direct and succinct:
No, the coelacanthisn't extinct.
Its existence belies
The alleged demise
Ichthyologists formerly thinct. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

To clapis a signal of joy,
But the clap is a downer, my boy.
You go from erotic
To antibiotic
And pray for the pills you employ. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

As control freaks,we tend to dress neater,
And you'll find our suggestions concreter.
(A note to the editor:
Don't leave out the credit, or
Forget to check tone, rhyme and meter.) (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City,
N.D.)

Body bags, toe tags galore!
An examiner, medical? Sure!
If your morgue's small in size,
Hire one of our guys --
Check the buys at the coronerstore. (Bob Dvorak, Saugerties,
N.Y.)

"She's commando!"the paper reported.
The pictures were certainly sordid.
Her life's in a rut:
She's going bare-butt.
Britney's poor brain must have shorted. (Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh)

Said the captain, "I think there's a sick tie
" 'Tween this half-eaten foot and this licked eye.
"Arrest this guy Dahmer
"And once we get calmer,
"See what's left of the corpus delicti." (Michael Turniansky,
Pikesville, Md.)

Glenn Close,who's a popular star,
Went into a Hollywoodbar.
They told her, "My dear,
You can't smoke in here."
And so it was Close, no cigar. (Mae Scanlan)

The philosopher rolls in his grave;
Two millennia's wisdom and they've
Put it inside a cookie
You crack for a lookie:
"Confuciussay: Oh, just behave!" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

I'm a wonderful son of a gun.
Ascertainable flaws? I have none.
I'm handsome and tall,
Just the greatest of all.
(So reports a committeeof one.) (Chris Doyle)

Father John's an unfortunate bearer
Of news that, by rites, should be rarer.
Seems a test will reveal
He's a father for real,
The result of a clericalerror. (Chris Strolin)

Coprophiliacs, welcome! It's true
That the Invite appreciates poo.
And because you're well versed,
You may find yourself first,
But we know you'd prefer Number Two. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

How he preached of revolt loud and true,
But a coward was he through and through.
When the brave went ahead
And achieved what he'd said,
He'd absconded. Yes, he flew the coup. (Harvey Smith, McLean)

Armed with "facts," Mr. Tenet would stress:
"There's a threat we must quickly address.
"Send the troops, let's attack!
"Take us into Iraq!"
Was it counterintelligence?Yes. (Scott Campisi)

The verses of one William Cowper
Are thought, for their time, sowper-dowper.
Well, I tackled "The Castaway"
Once, and it fast away
Put me right into a stowper. (Mae Scanlan)

Though he sailed Spraddle Creek with bravado,
The asthmatic yet fierce desperado
Succumbed there at dockside
To CO
While mooring at Vail CO. (Chris Strolin)

One from Down Under, and pronounced accordingly:
When you dance the Brazilian samba,
All over your partner you clamba.
You're lithe and you're supple
Combinedas a couple.
Exotic. Erotic. Caramba! (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

And Last:
Some fame that is finite and fleeting,
A shirt with a Loser-themed greeting,
A magnet so thin
It's as light as a pin --
Can't believe it's for these we're competing. (Chris Strolin)

If your appetite for limericks is merely whetted (rather than soaked
through), read more Honorable Mentions
.

More Honorable Mentions from Week 726 of The Style Invitational, which asked for limericks featuring words beginning with cl- through co-:

The new surgeon is skilled, it's a fact,
Though he still ought to clean up his act.
For to sing, as a gag,
"Papa's got a new bag"
At colostomies shows little tact. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

A restaurateur who's a schnook
Gives the sous-chef a lecherous look.
What crosses his mind
Is her shapely behind.
Will it lead him to goose his own cook? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

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One finds constipation quite galling;
We say to our bowels, "Quit stalling!"
On the body, it's rough,
And that's bad enough,
But when of the mind, it's appalling. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Mrs. Bobbitt's life sorely did grieve her,
Since her man wouldn't love her and leave her.
He continued to slog
(His best friend was his log),
But his woman's best friend was her cleaver. (Fiona Burke, Houston)

I signed on as a pirate's apprentice,
But soon getting lost would torment us.
"You do not have a head
For the map work," they said.
"You're a clear case of non compass mentis." (Chris Strolin, Belleville, Ill.)

Copulation is not merely fun;
It's a duty to life unbegun.
We have to keep pace
With the whole human race:
I'm coming to get the job done. (Robert Holland, Toronto)

Four-leaf clovers, they say, are good luck.
I've found many, but never been struck
By a lottery win
Or bequest from my kin,
So when pigeons fly over, I duck. (Sheila Blume, Sayville, N.Y.)

I'll confess to this act of stupidity:
I suffered from chronic flaccidity.
When I got a quick thrill
From one little blue pill,
I took ten. Now it's chronic rigidity. (Chris Doyle)

When you drive to work, you're a commuter.
But another example that's cuter
Is the guy who's so grand
He can just wave his hand
And wipe out all jail time for Scooter. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean)

See a doctor if ever your colon
Is terribly achy or swollen
Don't dilly or dally,
Because it's an alley
Down which you will want to keep bowlin'. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Confucius advised sage and rookie
On topics from business to nooky,
With words here to stay
That are read every day
Whenever you open a cookie. (Randy Lee, Burke)

The fish and chip guy really tries
To conceal his enormous surprise,
But he nearly expires
When the tourist inquires,
"Can you sell me a codpiece-- no fries?" (David Franks, Wichita)

As I looked o'er the edge of the coaming
At the sea with its crashing and foaming,
It finally clicked
That I had been tricked --
This wasn't the bus to Wyoming. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)

National laws force compliance
From large multinational giants
Who might otherwise feel
That it's not a big deal
To go out and "cluck all defiance." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

"It's the 6 o'clock news, live from Sodom!
You want naked co-anchors? We've got 'em!"
(If two hotties are viewed
Reading news in the nude,
Our show's ratings may rise from the bottom.) (Chris Strolin)


Next Week: We Get a C-Section, or A Day Early, a Dollar 15 Short