Week 729: Otherwordly Visions


"I'm not proposing tax relief because it's the popular thing to do, I'm
proposing it because it's the right thing to do." -- George W. Bush

Plain English version

"I'm proposing it because it's a right popular thing to do."
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

This handy translation landed big ink in 2000, in what was helpfully
numbered Week IX
,
even though the Invitational was by then seven years old. In this
campaign season, further clarifications are in order. This week: Take
any sentence in an article or ad in The Washington Postor on
washingtonpost.com from Sept. 1 through Sept. 10 and translate it into
"plain English," as in the example above.Please specify what article
the sentence is from, and what date and page. If necessary, briefly
explain the context of the sentence.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives a pack of Genuine Panda Poo paper from the San Diego Zoo,
stationery made from the bamboo-rich fibers of you-know-what, donated by
Intermittent Loser David Smith of Santa Cruz, Calif.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever
they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 10. Put "Week 729" in the
subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include
your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Sept. 29. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart, who
borrowed it from Eric Murphy. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by
Anne Paris of Arlington.

Report From Week 725, in which we supplied several "captions" and asked you to describe the
cartoons they would accompany.

The Empress posted this contest, at the Czar's suggestion, with some trepidation, concerned that dozens of
descriptions of undrawn cartoons would just be too tedious. She concedes
that her fears were unfounded, and therefore owes the Czar the heart cut
out of her chest. Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake chose this week's
top four winners from the entries below, and will personally deface each
winning sketch with his signature as a prize.

4. A small error in pronunciation can have huge consequences.
(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

3. Bob just wasn't a "word person."
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

2. Old dog learns new trick.
(Dan Colilla, Pittsburgh)

And the Winner of the Inker

"No, no, Sonia! It was supposed to be a harmonica!"
(Cy Gardner, Arlington)

A Thousand Words Not Worth a Picture

Bob just wasn't a "word person."

Bob drowning in fast-flowing river, frantically signaling with his
hands, while people on the riverbank look befuddled: "Um, movie? Two
words?" (Bird Waring, New York)

Bob Dylansinging, "Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed."
Woman correcting him: "It's LIE!" (Randy Lee, Burke)

Bob's car races under a highway sign reading: "Danger! Bridge Out!
Piranha-Infested Acid Pool! STD-Infected Cannibal Zombie Pederasts! Life
Insurance Salesman of the Quarter!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

A man and a woman are at a restaurant as the waiter takes their order.
The man is standing, dressed as a mime, imitating a chicken. (Dave
Prevar, Annapolis)

A man is throttling the Microsoftpaper clip. (Beth Baniszewski,
Somerville, Mass.)

Bob is doing the Sunday crossword by filling in the boxes with Sudoku
numbers. (Cy Gardner)

"Just remember, no underpants!"

A director addresses a line of women. Sign behind them says "Today's
Workshop: Be Like Britney." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

"David," a muscular model posing in Jockey shorts, is advising
Michelangelo as the sculptor begins chiseling the marble right below the
waist. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Guerrilla leader stands in front of a group of men in fatigues. Sign
says "Commando Debriefing Session." (Marty McCullen; Michael Mason,
Fairfax)

A woman is shopping for pet clothes. Her Chihuahua peeks its head out
of her purse and says . . . (Jean Sorensen)

A small error in pronunciation can have huge consequences.

Two men stand outside an office building that is swarming with
emergency personnel, a hazmat team, etc. One guy says: "Well, that's the
last time I call maintenance about the ant tracks in my office." (Kyle
Hendrickson, Frederick)

A man in Arab garb sits at a bar, liquid dripping from his head and
face, an empty glass on the bar next to him, as an attractive
Western-attired woman storms angrily away. He says to the bartender,
"All I said is that she looks like a houri!" (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

God looks down in exasperation as Noah tries valiantly to get all the
animals balanced on the big wooden arch he has built, as the storm
approaches. (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.)

Watson discovers Sherlock's secret.

Watson sees Holmes surreptitiously reading "The Hound of the
Baskervilles" and taking notes. Holmes thought bubble: "Ah, so that's
what those footprints mean . . . " (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan,
Minn.)

When Harry met Sally Forth.

Billy Crystal and Sally sit at a restaurant table. Sally says: "I
wouldn't know, I've never had one." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester,
N.Y.)

Harry Potterand Sally sit at a restaurant table. Sally brandishes a
wand, saying: "Okay, I point this at Ted and shout 'Enlargibus!'?" Harry
says, "Maybe twice." (Martin Bancroft)

A large human hand kills something with a rolled-up comics section.
Ants standing nearby look on in horror, as one of them screams,
"HARRY!" (Jay Shuck)

"No, no, Sonia! It was supposed to be a harmonica!"

A man, his feet in a puddle, stands in front of a dike where water
spurts from a small rectangular hole. A cymbal and a guitar are stuck
into other holes. A pile of discarded brass and woodwind instruments is
to his left. A woman to his right holds out a triangle. (Beth
Baniszewski)

The Founding Fathers wept.

Beneath a sign that says "Welcome Continental Congress," a group of
Founding Fathers stands in a circle, looking sadly at the pizza that
John Adamshas just dropped onto the floor. (Jeff Brechlin)

Sign on the Capitol: "The Anheuser-BuschCapitol Building."
(Joseph Mat Schech, Colesville)

Next Week: Limerixicon 4, or Anapest Destiny