Week 721: Know Your Market
We pretty much realized that The Style Invitational is a little bit
different from some other newspapers' humor contests. Matt Brody of
Carlisle, Pa., alerted us to the weekly photo caption contest in the
Harrisburg Patriot-News, which week after week gives first prize to a
submitted caption that could charitably be called wholesome and
accessible. Example: Picture of two ducks. Winning caption: "You quack me
up!"
Matt wondered what would happen if some Style Invitational Losers entered
this contest. Would the winning humor suddenly become complex and
sophisticated? So we got in touch with Losernet, the Losers' own e-mail
chat group, and several Losers mailed the Patriot-News lists of entries
(we suggested they not send anything off-color) for three straight weeks.
Hundreds of Loser entries total. Such as, for a dog catching a Frisbee,
"Karl Rover fetches a blue state for his master," by Hall of Fame Loser
Jennifer Hart of Arlington.
And? The first week, one honorable mention. The second week, one more.
The third week, for the Frisbee picture, several -- but it was pretty
clear that the Losers were beginning to write for the judge (e.g., "Man's
best friend disc-overs true happiness" by Russell Beland). The
grand-prize Frisbee caption? "He's a high jumpin', tail waggin', Frisbee
catchin' hound. Now that's a mouthful." Not one of ours.
This week: Here are four photos. For any of them, supply two captions:
one that would appeal to The Style Invitational and one that would appeal
to the Patriot-News.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives a Nestle Original Yorkie candy bar, which is marketed
in England as a macho candy bar, not some little girly candy bar. Sure
enough, in big type on the wrapper: "IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS!" Otherwise it
seems to be a plain old chocolate bar named for a foofy little dog.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're
called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets.
One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July
16. Put "Week 721" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 5. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by N.G. Andrews of
Danville, Va. This week's prize was donated by Peter Metrinko of
Chantilly.
Report From Week 717, when we asked for Googlenopes, phrases that -- until now -- would yield
no hits if entered within quotation marks on the Google search engine.
An amazing number of entrants got their no-hitters only by misspellings:
"Barbara McCulsky look-alike" may be a 'nope, but "Barbara Mikulski
look-alike" is not. And we're going to print the following entries right
here, just so they'll no longer be Googlenopes: "The Empress is sexy,"
"the Empress is thoughtful," "the Empress is hot," "the Empress is
amazing," "the Empress totally rocks," "the Empress deserves a Pulitzer."
All right, then. (All the entries below were verified Googlenopes at this
writing. Capitalization and punctuation are not factors in Google
searches.)
4. "Calvin Coolidge bobblehead" (Ann Martin, Annapolis)
3. "All the girls loved my Camry" (Tom Lundregan, Alexandria)
2. The winner of the Candy Hose Nose: "Haute cuisine sucks" (Bonnie
Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)
And the Winner of the Inker
"That controversial 'Gilligan's Island' episode" (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo
Alto, Calif.)
'Worth Only a Magnet'
"Coprolite engagement rings" (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
"President Bush carefully considered . . ." (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City,
N.D.; Mark Merriman, Arlington)
"Hazy, hot, humid and happy" (Leigh Giza, Centreville)
"Museum of suburban culture" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
"What's so cute about pandas?" (Laurel Gainor, Great Falls)
"Fox News is more accurate than" (Brian Fox, Charlottesville)
"The weapons system came in under budget" (Rick Haynes, Department of
Defense, Potomac)
Neither "honest electable Republican" nor "honest electable Democrat"
(Karen Byers, Alexandria)
"Cheney's crisis of conscience" (Lawrence Miller, Washington)
"Bush, placing ethics above loyalty . . ." (Anne Paris, Arlington)
"Lightly used caskets" (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)
"Hot young abstinent teens!" (Josh Tucker, Kensington)
"One sexy imam" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
"Fun with your septic tank" (Mary Anne Nichols, Seaford, Del.)
"Je ne regrette squat" (Roy Ashley, Washington)
"Canasta groupies" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
"Hardcore Nationals fan" (Brian Cohen, Potomac)
"Kegger tonight at Liberty U." (Anne Paris)
"DIY Extreme Unction" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
"Bootleg Couric colonoscopy video" (Rick Haynes)
"Three-star Scottish cuisine" (Kevin Dopart)
"Not all our facts were made up" (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)
"Let's live in Cleveland!" (Steve Offutt, Arlington)
"Once again, my husband was right and I was wrong" (Scott Susser,
Hillside, N.J.)
"Darfur condo rentals" (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Howard Walderman, Columbia)
"Wine and Spam tasting" (Anne Paris)
"I wish Paris Hilton was my mom" (Jonathan Gettleman, Ashburn)
"How do I install a virus on my computer?" (Hugh Pullen, Vienna)
"The 'Sopranos' finale was terrific" (Steve Buttry, Reston; John Kupiec,
Fairfax; Paul Wright, Charlottesville)
"Ann Coulter conceded graciously" (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria)
"Utah's biggest party school" (David Kleinbard)
"Who's Who in York Springs" (Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)
"Angela Merkel porn" (Jon Grantham, University Park)
"The sexiest '60 Minutes' anchor" (Brian Fox)
"Funny Googlenopes" (Russell Beland, Springfield)
"First-time entries never get ink" (Pete Marshman, Edgewater -- and yes,
of course)
"The Empress's real name is . . ." (Randy Lee, Burke)
And Last: "Poems about hirudiniasis" (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
Next Week: Put Our Heads Together, or Go Ahead, Make My Daily