Week 718: Put Our Heads Together


It seems like only seven weeks ago that we made you read this newspaper
(for the hyphen contest). And now we're forcing that punishment on you
again. But this time, it's just the big print. This week we resurrect an
old contest that we didn't even remember we'd done until we were reminded
of it by Always There to Remind Us Russell Beland of Springfield: Create
a new, funny headline from the words of any headlines appearing anywhere
in a single day's Washington Post (or on washingtonpost.com). You may use
words from as many headlines as you wish, and may combine them in
whatever order you wish, but you cannot subdivide words -- i.e., the
smallest usable unit is an entire word. You must specify which headlines
you used, and the date they ran.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a genuine, gently used Octodog, donated by Loser Jeffrey
Contompasis at the enthusiastic "suggestion" of Mrs. Contompasis. The
Octodog is a cheery-looking mechanical device that turns a hot dog into
an octopus, complete with little eye holes. It even makes the hot dog
taste just like octopus, provided that the hot dog is made of octopus
meat. So if you're tired of begging your child to please eat more hot
dogs . . .

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called
that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June
25. Put "Week 718" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 15. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by N.G.
Andrews of Danville, Va. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 714, in which we asked you to combine two companies into a new firm: Not
surprisingly, the Losers put those widely Net-circulated fictional
conglomerates straight into Chapter 11.

4. With gas prices what they are, Volkswagen and Energizer are ready to
debut their joint-venture battery-powered car, the Bugs Bunny. (Ross
Shepard, Deerfield, Ill.)

3. Whataburger, Pizza Hut, Workmate benches, Izumi sushi and Manwich
sauces join forces and become WhataPizzaWorkIzuMan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder,
Tex.)

2. The winner of the Empress-signed copy of "The Big Book of Duh": Pepsi
Free, Water Wings, Nut 'n Honey and Morton Salt have formed a new brand
(and jingle) you can't get out of your head: "Free-Wings . . . Nut 'n
Morton Free-Wings . . ." (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

And the Winner of the Inker

After sealing its position as the consultants of choice in the business
world, Booz Allen Hamilton merges with the firm of Dames & Moore. As
Booz, Dames and Moore, the new firm looks to become the consultants of
choice to members of Congress. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries)

Busted Trusts

Marriott hotels, Arthur D. Little consultants and L.A.M.B. clothing merge
to become MarriottALittleLamb. (Chris Doyle)

Clif Bar, PowerBar, Snickers, Babar Impex and Cybarco Bahrain Ltd.
thought they'd take a chance as Bar-Bar-Bar-Babar-Bahrain. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)

Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create
GoodBuyMistHerChips. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Martha Stewart Living merges with Smith & Wesson to create Martha Stewart
Living Any Way She Wants To. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

If Saks Fifth Avenue, Pfizer, Hooters and Pillsbury got together, they
could be Saks, Drugs and Racks and Rolls. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

JetBlue and Samsonite join forces to make JetSam, the airline luggage
that's guaranteed to get lost. (Chris Doyle)

M&T Bank can merge with Lunesta to make MT-Nesta: Once the kids are grown
and moved out, you can finally get a good night's sleep. (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)

3M, Stryker, SanDisk, Hewlett-Packard, Toys R Us and American Eagle
Outfitters merge to become 3 Stryke Sand Hew R Out. (Randy Lee, Burke)

3M should buy out Krispy Kreme and call itself Mmm Doughnuts. -- H.
Simpson, Springfield, U.S.A. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington)

Green Giant will merge with Brunswick Billiards and become Peas and Cues.
(Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Bridgestone tires, Honda motors, River Island clothing and Kauai coffee
merge and become BridgeHondaRiverKauai. (Chris Doyle)

The Washington Blade, Drake's Devil Dogs and Purina Dog Chow merge to
form OutDamnedSpot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Cryogenics Labs, Windows ME and Amazon.com will merge and become Cry ME a
River. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Combine Gulden's mustard, Opcon-A Eyedrops and an e.p.t. home pregnancy
test, and what do you get? Gulden Op-Paternity. (Jay Shuck)

Consolidate De Beers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire,
and you have De Beers Indy Fridge. (Becky Moyer, Alexandria)

Sony and K-Mart have formed a joint counseling service named "So K."
(Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

If ChevronTexaco bought out Manolo Blahnik, you'd have Well on Heels.
(Valerie Matthews, Ashton)

Whole Foods supermarkets, Lee artificial nails, Mack trucks and Corelle
dishware become WholeLeeMackCorelle. (Chris Doyle)

Hair Club for Men merged with Huggies to create Ruggies, a line of
disposable toupees. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Virginia Tech and the prison operator Corrections Corp. of America: Hokie
Pokeys. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton)

Coming soon from HallMerck: The heartwarming get-well card "Best Wishes
for Control of Your Left Ventricular Hypertrophy With a Regimen of
Hyzaar?." (Eldonna Edwards, San Luis Obispo, Calif.)

It's clear that the Hanover Foods and Everlast Boxing Equipment merger
will succeed Hanover Fist. (Kevin Dopart)

Harley-Davidson merged with Tide to make Hogwash. (Bob Kopac,
Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Trans World Airlines and Sylvania Electronics could merge to form
TranSylvania, which would be perfect for two companies back from the
dead. (Russell Beland)

Combine Coors Brewing with Glenfiddich and get Hops Scotch. (Paul
Whittemore, Spotsylvania, Pa.)

Virgin Atlantic and Princess Cruise Lines: Virgin Berths (Valerie
Matthews)

A mix of Cracklin' Oat Bran, Honey Wheats and Trix cereals makes Crack Ho
Trix, a tasty and nourishing start for an early-morning mayoral sting.
(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Henckel Cutlery merged with Nike to form a defense consulting group
called Cut and Run, but hasn't gotten any federal contracts, yet. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

The Baltimore Orioles merged with Bed Bath & Beyond to make The Birds and
the B's. (Randy Lee)

Mayor Fenty combines the D.C. Public Schools with the D.C. Jail to form a
new GED program: Con Ed. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

If Massengill Co. bought up Super Fresh, California Pizza Kitchen,
Fraport AG, Ballistic Recovery Systems, Microsoft Windows XP and Allergan
Pharmaceuticals, they could market Super Cali FrAG'allistic XP Aller
douches. (Combined from the entries of Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, and
Chris Doyle)

Next Week: Your Mug Here, or Name That Spittoon