Week 717: Pitch Us a No-Hitter


Squid meringue pie

What adorable garbage!

The rabbi's favorite oyster stew

Please play your bagpipes some more!

This week's contest is guaranteed to produce original results. A
Googlenope -- the term was coined by The Washington Post Magazine's Gene
Weingarten in a recent column -- is a phrase or very brief sentence that,
entered into the Google search engine with quotation marks around it,
produces no hits: In other words, that word combination has never
appeared in the searchable online universe. It's very easy to come up
with something unique (although it's amazing what's already out there).
But you need to come up with something so clever and funny that it
deserves a prize. Cleverer and funnier than the examples above, which
were indeed Googlenopes at press time. This week: Send us some genuine
Googlenopes. Twenty-five entries max per entrant, and please double-space
your list if it's long -- there's just one li'l ol' Empress reading these
things. And if we were you, we wouldn't then post that phrase online in
the next couple of weeks, you know?

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives, courtesy of Loser Peter Metrinko, a Candy Hose Nose,
a nose you place over your own nose, and then squeeze "Slime Candy gel
from the nose hole" -- we guess "nostril" was a little too technical --
"onto your tongue." Don't sneeze!

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called
that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June
18. Put "Week 717" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 8. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Brendan
O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Today's Honorable Mentions name is by
Kevin Dopart of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is
by Russell Beland.

Report From Week 713, in which we printed these three cryptic paintings by famed Loser Artist
Fred Dawson, and asked you to title and explain them.

We also, finally, asked Fred himself. We include his own titles and comments below,
condensed from a diary he wrote at the time he painted the artworks in
1970.

4. PAINTING B: "Opped Out": Here's that classic optical illusion: Is it a
face or a heavy guy in a suit folding napkins into boomerangs while
wrapped in lunch meat? Well, then squint harder. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

3. PAINTING C: "Vampirism Sucks": It's so hard to shop for your summer
wardrobe after you've been bitten. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)

2. The winner of the genuine Fred Dawson Painting Style Invitational U.S.
postage stamps: PAINTING A: "Temporal Paradox": Expressing the eternal
frustration of not being able to correct past mistakes, Dawson uses the
newly invented chronophone to call himself on prom night. But alas, he
cannot avert disaster with "Fertile Myrtle" Mandelblatt. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn)

And the Winner of the Inker

PAINTING B: "Father Mackenzie, Darning His Socks in the Night When
There's Nobody There": The artist stunningly answers the existential
Liverpudlian conundrum "All the lonely people, where do they all come
from?" by showing the Father both figuratively and, seemingly, literally
"inside" Eleanor Rigby. (Glen Crawford, Germantown)

For the Easelly Amused

PAINTING A

"Dad Gum It": It took several calls, but they finally buried tycoon
William Wrigley the way he wanted: in a gumball machine. (Jay Shuck)

"Are You There, God. It's Me, George": The president tries to reach God
to find out what to do next, but due to an orange security level, only
gets through to Tucker Carlson. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

"Alfred's Warning": Alfred appears on the Visi-Bat-Phone to warn Bruce
Wayne of the Foggy Black Monster looming over Bruce's head and drooling
on him. (Mike Dailey, Chantilly)

"Dude Defending a Stare Case": On the phone, a Washington attorney
informs his client that he'll get the stalking charges dropped, if only
he'll stop eyeballing him. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

"Time to Reorder": Noticing some wear and tear on the boss's picture on
his stand-up punching bag, Fred orders up a replacement. (Roy Ashley,
Washington)

"Crime and Punishment": My model for the man in the circle was Homer Van
Meter, one of John Dillinger's gang. The other man was one of the FBI
agents who pursued them. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

* * *

PAINTING B

"Now Push": A baby catches his first sight of life on the outside. Much
debated is the significance of the downward glance of the grandmother:
Does it symbolize her desire to finish the knitted sock and "not give one
more penny to those thieves at Baby Gap" or simply her reticence at
staring at her daughter's hoo-ha? (Josh Tucker, Kensington)

"Not Much of a View": Rosie O'Donnell sits alone and showless. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)

"Bibbidy Bobbidi Bootie": After searching the entire village for the
owner of that abandoned stocking, the prince's squire wandered -- at
last! -- into the office of Cinderella's gynecologist. (Jay Shuck)

"Sperm's Eye View": The spermatozoa had no idea that the uterus employed
a goalie. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Newspaper Budget Crunch": No longer able to order Style Invitational
Inkers, T-shirts, Mugs and Magnets, the Empress tears out paper L's for
prizes. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

"The Grandmother": The woman's grotesque size makes her formidable. She's
given life but dominates those she gave it to. As a whole this picture
shows the glorification of life at its most extreme. (Fred Dawson)

* * *

PAINTING C

"Choices": A bittersweet commentary on the decisions we make in life. The
young woman emerges from one doorway only to find that the alternative
doorway has been painted over; it's gone. The paths we follow are all too
often one-way; there's no going back. Also, it's about sex. (Jon
Milstein, Falls Church)

"The Glass Hallway": This painting depicts the frustration of women who
cannot even move laterally in the workplace. (Chuck Smith)

"Reality Checked": Edward Hopper's model was horrified to discover she'd
accidentally wandered into that abstract expressionist house down the
block. (Jay Shuck)

"Hello. Have You Seen a Woman With White Face, Red Hair, Scary Mouth and
Little Claw Hand? I'm Her Daughter, Girl With Brown Hair,
Baby-Poop-Colored Dress and Matching Pumps, and Arm in a Sling. Please
Don't Slam Your Door in My Face Again. Hello?" (Don Kirkpatrick,
Waynesboro, Pa.)

"The Jaded One": The larger area could be the woman's thoughts about a
dull, colorless world. Or the rectangle could represent a prison in
reality. It might also be a pretty picture, like my mother said. (She
also said, "It reminds me of when I had the arthritis.") (Fred Dawson)

Next Week: Amalgamated Steal, or A Case of Corporate Breed