Week 716: The Hard Spell


Lovers of language go totally nuts
Over one of life's stranger enigmas:
How does a noun meaning "rumbling guts"
Sound rumbly itself? Borborygmus!

This past week 286 boys and girls gathered in Washington for the annual
National Spelling Bee, in which the talent, tenacity and mental toughness
of some of our nation's brightest youngsters are channeled for years
toward the goal of memorizing thousands of letter combinations, many of
which they will never encounter again outside the spelling bee world.
(There is absolutely no relevance to the fact that at least two current
Style Invitational Losers have been top winners in the National Bee.)

So give this year's participants a chance to read their winning or losing
words in a different context (if not actually a sensible one): Write a
humorous poem featuring one of the 75 words we've selected from this
year's National Spelling Bee (see the list here). It doesn't necessarily
have to define the word, as does the example above (from last year's
words) by Washington Post Funny Poem Writer Gene Weingarten. It can't
have been already published in print or online.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives a bar of "Touch Me Please Virginity Soap," made in
Thailand (presumably for people who can't make up their minds) but sent
from the country of Oman. And that's not all: In case Touch Me Please is
working a little too well, we include a trial-size envelope of "Garlic
Shampoo" ("Formula for Hair Loss & Hair Grow" -- also for the conflicted,
we guess).

Note: The person we referred to last week as Robert Kirkpatrick has
informed us that he would prefer to be called Robert Kurlantzick,
inasmuch as that is his name. We will graciously accede to this but only
because it is a way cooler name.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called
that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June
11. Put "Week 716" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 1. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by Andrew Hoenig,
who also wrote today's Honorable Mentions name. The revised title for
next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report From Week 712, in which we asked you to take the winning horse names from Week 708 and
"breed" them to produce grand-foals.

Once again, the entries stampeded in
by the thousands. Some Losers proved astonishingly adept at incorporating
the various elements of the sire's and dam's names into that of the foal:
For example, Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia, bred Coito Ergo Sum
with Nein to Fife to produce Lay Off Macduff, a play on the line "Lay on,
Macduff" from "Macbeth." See, "coito" means "I lay" (in the bedroom
sense) in Latin; while "nein" is German for "no," hence "lay off"; and to
top it off, Macduff's title is Thane of Fife. Whew. Wonderfully clever .
. . but funny? Eh.

4. Duck! + Doctor Do Little = Quack! (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Nancy
Israel, Bethesda)

3. Popular Mechanics + Calleth Us Dudes = ClickethNClacketh (Dave Prevar,
Annapolis)

2. the winner of the skull models (yes, we found two): Halitosis + Chicks
in the Mail = Malodor Bride (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Russell Beland,
Springfield)

And the Winner of the Inker

Months Ending in R + Nats Blow Another = Days Ending in Y (Pam Sweeney,
Germantown)

Belmont Steaks

Angina Monologues + Kermit Loves Bert = Heart Felt (Andrew Hoenig,
Rockville)

Angina Monologues + Six Hundred Ninety = Whoa, Bad LDL (Russell Beland)

Auto-da-Fay + Executioners Thong = BurnTheOtherCheek (Pam Sweeney)

Bermuda Triangle + It's in English = Shorts Tory (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Bird B-I-R-D Bird + First Flying Class = S-P-L-A-T (Martin Bancroft,
Rochester, N.Y.)

BVD STD + Bermuda Triangle = Clap Trap (Pam Sweeney)

Calculated Risque + Duck! = AFLAC! (Michael Mason, Fairfax)

Calculated Risque + Executioners Thong = Hangs Right (Scott Susser,
Hillside, N.J.)

Call Them Globes + Calleth Us Dudes= Earth Quakers (Phyllis Reinhard,
East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Call Them Globes + Zippo = Great Balls Afire (Chris Doyle)

Calleth Us Dudes + Auto-da-Fay = Dudebaker (Harvey Smith, McLean)

Chicks in the Mail + Bird B-I-R-D Bird = B-R-I-D-E (Ben Aronin,
Washington)

Coito Ergo Sum + It's in English = I Boink, So I Am (Jay Shuck; Chris
Doyle)

Coito Ergo Sum + MrPocketProtector = Effin' Know-It-All (Roy Ashley,
Washington)

Coito Ergo Sum + Sigh Young = Pitching Woo (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

Creme de Meth + Conversion = Creme de Methodist (Chris Doyle)

Doctor Do Little + Coito Ergo Sum = Push Me Pull You (Harvey Smith)

Duck! + Executioners Thong = Goose! (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.)

Egrets Only + Bird B-I-R-D Bird = Come Stay a Spell (Harvey Smith)

Executioners Thong + Conversion = Santa Monica (Steve Ettinger, Chevy
Chase)

First Flying Class + Bermuda Triangle = Virgin Atlantic (Martin Bancroft)

First Flying Class + Chicks in the Mail = Eggs Flew Young (Peter
Metrinko, Chantilly)

Friar Tuckered + Coito Ergo Sum = Made Marian (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Halitosis + Doctor Do Little = Breath Eliza (Harvey Smith)

Halitosis + MrPocketProtector = Offensive Lineman (Mike Hammer,
Arlington; Brad Alexander)

Halitosis + Nats Blow Another = CantGetToFirstBase (Harvey Smith)

Kermit Loves Bert + Premium Logger = Dont Ax Dont Tell (Laura Bennett
Peterson, Washington; Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

More Cowball! + Months Ending in R = Prairie Oysters (Mary Lee Fox Roe;
Rick Haynes)

Nein to Fife + MrPocketProtector = Barney Google (Jon Reiser, Hilton,
N.Y.)

Orion's Belt + Call Them Globes = Castor & Bollocks (Kevin Krist,
Washington)

P.A.T. on the Back + It's in English = Honourable Mention (Brad Alexander)

P.A.T. on the Back + Zippo = Nice Try. Get Lost (Brad Alexander)

Popular Mechanics + Call Them Globes = Among Other Things (Bill
Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.)

Popular Mechanics + Premium Logger = Regular Feller (Ross Elliffe,
Picton, New Zealand)

Savior Breath + TriumphOfTheWilly = Church Organ (Mae Scanlan)

Savior Breath + Creme de Meth = The Last Upper (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Savior Breath + Halitosis = CouldItBe . . . SATAN? (Larry Pryluck,
Amissville, Va.)

She's Not Dead! + Doctor Do Little = OK Now She's Dead! (Barry Koch,
Catlett, Va.; Russell Beland)

She's Not Dead! + Coito Ergo Sum = ThinkingOfEngland (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Six Hundred Ninety + Zippo = My Entries; My Ink (Barry Koch)

Sleeping Thickness + Halitosis = Morning Breadth (Steve Fahey,
Kensington; Peter Metrinko)

The Story of Eau + Zippo = Water Torcher (Chris Doyle)

Wyatt AARP + Coito Ergo Sum = Sexagenarian (Harvey Smith)

Wyatt AARP + Kermit Loves Bert = Achin'-Back Mtn (John Kustka, Prince
Frederick)

Wyatt AARP + Sleeping Thickness = Guns N Dozes (Suzanne Stewart Moseman,
St. Paul, Minn.)

Wyatt AARP + Spenthouse = Shooting Blanks (Jon Reiser)

Zippo + Auto-da-Fay = Light My Friar (Andrew Hoenig)

Next Week: Painings, or Art Drecko