Week 713: Painings


Portrait of the Artist: Here's Fred's self-portrait from Week 662,
"Looking Down at My Feet," which won the Inker in last year's
"Humiliate Yourself for Ink" contest. Fred is a generous-sized
man.

If you Google "world's ugliest painting," with quotation marks, right at
the top of the list will be the now-famous "Woman With White Face, Red
Hair, Scary Mouth and Little Tiny Claw Hand," painted many years ago by
Loser Fred Dawson of Beltsville, who donated it as an Invitational prize
in 2005, whereupon the winner gave it back to us, setting off another
contest.

All of this fame went to Fred's head, which prompted Fred to go to Fred's
shed and dig out three more paintings he made in the early 1970s, which
seems to be his surrealistic period. At least we knew what the red-haired
woman was supposed to be. This week: Name and interpret any of these
three paintings. A 50-word description would be a long entry.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. And the
winner also gets a couple of what the first runner-up gets, because
they're just amazingly cool: these genuine, usable 39-cent Style
Invitational postage stamps featuring the World's Ugliest Painting,
created by Loser Stephen Dudzik of Olney on the Zazzle.com Web site. Fred
also gets some of these stamps, and so does the Empress, just because.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 21. Put "Week 713" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published June 10. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest was suggested by both Dave
Prevar and Kevin Dopart. The Honorable Mentions name is by Mark
Eckenwiler.

Report From Week 709, in which we sought some changes to the tax system, to tax forms, etc. A
lot of entries focused on various pet peeves; they were summed up by this
one from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn: Take more money from people I
don't like.

4. Require IRS auditors to use pre-warmed probes. (Mark Eckenwiler,
Washington)

3. Oil companies should have to pay by the gas station system: with 9/10
of a dollar added to each tax dollar they pay. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

2. the winner of the vintage Captain and Tennille poster: The future
dependent deferral option: You can designate a big portion of your taxes
to be paid (with interest) by your grandchildren, or other people's
grandchildren, after you are gone -- thus making the government's
favorite budgeting strategy available to anyone. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

And the Winner of the Inker

The Filing Status choices on the current 1040 are outdated and don't
cover enough possibilities. Add some new options, like these that I found
in the April 15 Style section: European-Born Divorced Professional White
Male; Beautiful Sexy Sweet Single Asian Female; New from Iowa Single
Hispanic Female; or Grand Old Tiger Divorced White Male. (Ernie Staples,
Silver Spring)

Infernal Residue

On the "Pay to the Order Of" line of your check, you will be permitted to
write "Those Bloodsucking Bureaucrats." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Special Prosecutor Fund: Check here if you want $3 to go toward
investigating the person elected with the $3 you contributed when you
checked that other box. (John Chamberlain, Silver Spring)

Any expenditure made while thinking good thoughts shall be considered a
charitable donation. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

The Game of E-Tax Chicken: The last 100 taxpayers to file before midnight
on April 15 get double refunds. But of course, if the server backs up and
the return doesn't get through till after 12, then you have to pay the
big late fee. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)

Remove the tax-exempt status of all religious organizations, except those
belonging to the one true religion. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Add a tax on bottled water to fund the cleanup of America's rivers and
lakes so that they are good enough to drink and people won't have to
spend money on imported bottled water because tap water will do just fine
thank you. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

For the presidential checkoff, you are also required to indicate your
candidate. Then, for the four years after the election, the entire
federal surplus or debt is divided among those who backed the winner.
Talk about accountability. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

We should tax acts of terrorism against the United States. With all the
death and destruction terrorists bring, it seems only fair to make them
pay extra. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Don't change a thing. The current system is perfect. -- L. von
Sacher-Masoch, Lemberg, Austria (Mark Eckenwiler)

The 1040 instructions say, "We welcome comments on forms." Those IRS
people shouldn't say that if they don't mean it -- at least they didn't
much like the comments I wrote all over MY forms. (Peter Metrinko,
Chantilly)

Make tax returns due April 1. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Taxpayers who cannot see the obvious truth that their boyfriend is
completely wrong for them and that I'm the one who really cares about
them may claim the Blind exemption. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church)

There's actually a Schedule SE that has to be filed for church employees
who made $108.28 or more. Is that ridiculous or what! Obviously, the
figure should be $108.74. (Peter Metrinko)

If the basis of a member of a consolidated group in a share of stock of a
subsidiary exceeds its value immediately before a deconsolidation of the
share, the basis of the share is not reduced to an amount equal to its
value. Hee, hee! I crack myself up sometimes. -- M. Dukakis, Boston (Jay
Shuck, Minneapolis)

To simplify calculations, allow taxpayers to round all figures to the
nearest $1 million. (Mark Eckenwiler)

Next Week: Aw, Shoot! or Pot Shots