Week 711: Join Now!


Judi-genious: Able to get O.J. acquitted.

Var-mit: A license to raise rats in your yard.

For the legions out there who believe the English lexicon is just too
darn small, here's another of our perennial neologism contests: Hyphenate
the beginning and end of any two multi-syllabic words appearing anywhere
in the April 29 or May 6 Style or Sunday Arts section, and then define
the compound. Each part should consist of at least one syllable but can't
be the entire word, and your entry can't be an actual English word. You
may use the new word in a sentence. Readers on washingtonpost.com after
today: Click on "Print Edition" at the top of the page, then on "View
Previous Editions" a couple of inches below. Both halves of the examples
are from this column.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a 30-inch-high styrofoam capital L (for Loser, natch) with
a curved top that makes it look like a backward 2. It was sent to us at
great expense by Arthur Litoff of York Springs, Pa., who made the Empress
promise that she would mention that he is a member of the Dramatists
Guild. There you go, Arthur! If you "win" this L and are not inclined to
come and pick it up, the Empress will substitute something else.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by mail to The
Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Deadline is Monday,
May 7. Put "Week 711" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks
being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Results will be
published May 27. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Next week's
revised title is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is
by Susan Urban of Silver Spring.

Report From Week 707, in which we asked you to write humorous poetry or prose using only the
236 words used in "The Cat in the Hat."

Concerned that such a small group of almost all one-syllable words wouldn't permit clever and
varied enough writing, the Empress told entrants they could combine words
on the list into compound words. Immediately, numerous Losers started
submitting entries that included not just true compound words but such
meldings as "so" and "up" to make "soup." Clearly not in the spirit of
the contest, but awfully ingenious, and funny enough to merit a
rule-bend. ("Funny enough" is the primary judicial criterion when it
comes to imperial leniency.)

4. I stand up, go near her. "You are a fox, how about the two of us . .
." "Your fly is down," she says. Red in the face, I sit back down. Man,
that was cold. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

3. I was, like, a mess. But now my head has a new look! Kind of pink. I
had to pack up and, like, go away for a little. It was no big thing. Want
to go out? -- B. Spears, Los Angeles (Anne Paris, Arlington)

2. The winner of the big red Naked sign: Who put the bump in the
bump-deep-bump-deep- bump? Do do run run run, do do run run. Put your
head on my --Hold it, Pot-see! This is when your show jumps the
you-know-what. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

And the Winner of the Inker

On day one He made the sun and all. And He saw it was good. Then He made
a man. From out of the man, she came. Now there were two. And the two did
something. What they did was bad. So there was shame. A lot of it. And He
said, go away from here! And they went away and be-got another. And that
one be-got another one. And so on. -- The Good Book. (Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)

These Did Not Do as Well

Give a man a fish and he will not fast. Show a man how to fish, and he
will sit all day and hold a string on a hook, with nothing to show for
it. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Your mother so big, if she fell into the well, she would not know it was
wet. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

Some things that should not be said in the White House:

"Look at that fox!"

"Get me some pot!"

"This bump? Oh, I fell down when I was high."

"Do you know this fun game? No? Well, I put my hands on your dear little
can . . ."

"Come on up, cupcake! Hop into my big bed! (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Mother, why do I always get picked last for ball games?

Now, now -- be a dear and put your pink gown back on. (Elwood Fitzner,
Valley City, N.D.)

If I step on a rake, I will get a bump on my head, and I will be sad. If
you do it, it will be funny as all get-out. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

I and he as you are he as you are me and we are all to-get-her.

See how they run like strings from the fun, see how they fly

For nothing.

I and the milk man, they are the milk man.

I is the wall-was, who-do-we-two. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

To be or not to be, that is the thing asked. Is it good, do you think, to
put up with the kicks and bumps of bad things, or to stand up to them,
And with that stop them? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

I saw this on the box in our house. A man who looked mad said:

"Did you say that to ME?

Did you say that to ME?

Did you say that to ME?

Then who did you say it to? Did you say that to ME?

Well, I am the one that is here.

Who did you think that you said it to?

Oh yes?" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"Look," said Sally. "There are fish in my bed. Fish with big . . . big
hands."

"That is some good pot," said Mother. "Can I have another hit?" (Beth
Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Yes: Let us play something bad. How about "Up, Up, and Away"?

The Who: No, do "The Way We Were." It is so put-rid! (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)

Lay down, Sally, and plop here in my hands.

Do you think you want someone to talk to?

Lay down, Sally. No fun to hop so soon.

I would stand here all the day to bump with you. (Randy Lee, Burke)

I red how you make fun of me,

Well, let me tell you what:

You wood be nothing with out me,

So you can bite my but!

-- J.D. Quayle, Indianapolis (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Want to hear our new hit? I can play it for you. It will come out any day
now and go to the top:

Oh, I . . . tell you something

I think you something something

When I say that something

I want to hold your hand.

-- John Lennon, 1963 (Russell Beland)

From the Play "White House Fun and Games":

POT-US: What can I say to get whoseewhatsit in Iran to back down?

Me: Something will come to you.

POT-US: How about this? "When I say 'jump,' you say 'how high?' "

Me: That would be good.

POT-US: This? "Go a-head -- make my day."

Me: Another good one.

POT-US: I got it! "Bite me!"

Me: There you go.

POT-US: Well, he asked for it.

Me: Yes he did.

-- K. Rove, Washington (Chris Doyle)

Say you are about to hit your ball when you get a call and hear that your
mother has gone to the here-after. What things would come to mind?

Should I go with the two-wood? Will I play a hook? Can I get it near the
cup? (Chris Doyle)

We did not like the bad man. It was our wish to tip the out-house when he
was in it. "Did you do it?" he asked. We did not tell. My mother did not
like the man. We said nothing, but it was her wish too. "Did he go plop
plop?" she asked. Man, that was funny. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Dear Little Man: Do you want to get big, fast? You know she would want
you to. So ship your in-for-mat-i-on to me now and I will give you all
that you could wish for. (Spam-I-Am, Whoville) (Kevin Dopart)

Would you, could you, in a box?

Would you, could you, with a fox?

(Oh, what a shame -- now that I look,

All that was from another book.) (Brendan Beary; Jay Shuck)

And Last: When you put down lots and lots of funny things, you should get
the Think-man with that thing on his head. Not always, I know, but now
and then. (G. Smith, Reston)

Read more Honorable Mentions.

/More Honorable Mentions for Week 707 of The Style Invitational, in
which we asked readers to write things using only the words in "The Cat
in the Hat," or words consisting of combinations thereof:/

*It is always a hit-and-run thing for me. I hit on them and they run
away from me. *(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

*"Want some tail?" asked the man. "You will like her, I know."*

*So Sunny came to me and said, "Let us go."*

*She got out of her gown. "I do not have all day."*

*She sat on the bed and said, "Now let us play."*

*We did not get it on. You would think that I could --*

*But my shame and my fear did not let me get wood.*

*-- H. Caulfield, no fixed address* (Ned Andrews, Danville, Va.)

*What they say at NOW: "It is good when they are gone; we do well
without them. But not always. They do have one thing we want now and
then."* (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Mother, you play a sad game. You find these cold fish and make them
your pink playthings. You shame us -- me, Sally, Pat. We go white when
we hear something new. "She did what? With who? When?" We wish you would
stop, but no. Deep down, you know the day will come when your tricks run
out. Not for nothing do they call you the Fox. *(Rory Ewins, Edinburgh,
Scotland)

*Gore'd have you think that he came up with the In-for-mat-i-on High-way
and that he was on top in two-oh-oh-oh. Well, let me tell you, it was me
who made us what we are to-day. -- G.W.B., Washington *(Kevin Dopart)
[Gore'd: go-red, see?]

*I do not like it when the sun go down.*

*No, I do not like it when that sun go down.*

*It make me think of Sally in her gown.*

*My Sally mess about with some bad man,*

*Oh, my Sally mess about with that bad man,*

*I did them in, and now I in the can.*

*-- W. C. Handy, St. Louis* (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.)

*Something in the way she bumps*

*Has got me like no other mother.*

*Something in the way she thumps me.*

*Do not want to blame her now.*

*You know I can tame her now. *(Randy Lee, Burke)

*This cat (we call him "Bumps") did this bit about Tall Sally. It went
kind of like "Oh, be-be/ Yes, yes, yes, be-be/ Who-who-who, be-be," and
it said that we would have some fun when the sun went down. Man, with
that hook, it was a big, BIG hit. And it was a fast mother, too -- it
made me jump and shake my tail when it would play at hops.* (Bob Dalton,
Arlington)

*What You Should Know: "Big": funny, a hit; "A.I.": sad, some bumps, see
it; "High Noon": from way back, good; "To Have and Have Not": this is
good, too); "Hook" (Oh no! Two thumps down!); "Them": So bad it had to
be good.* (Kevin Dopart)

*The house is cold, with little here*

*That we can do for kicks;*

*A ship came in, and mother's gone*

*To shake her tail for tricks.*

*Oh Sally, we should go -- I fear*

*The mess will hit the fan,*

*If any of that lot find out*

*That mother is a man.* (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Here are some things my man in the White House should say to the head
of I-ran:*

*You are in deep do-do, and it is about to hit the fan.*

*Look, I have had it up to here with you. Get bent!*

*I could see to it that As-sad kicks your tail all the way to
Tall-a-has-see.*

*-- Dennis Miller, Hollywood* (Chris Doyle)

*He said, "Why do we have to have this bad fish dish? It is cold and
wet. Look at it shake -- a cat would not want that!"*

*She said, "My mother made it, so shut up." Plop! -- Rabbi G. Filte,
Brooklyn* (Kevin Dopart)

Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? or Ponyms