Week 707: What Would YOU Do?


Oh, put that little thing away.
You will not hook up here today.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of the most brilliant
examples of literary minimalism: "The Cat in the Hat," Dr. Seuss's
masterpiece of anarchy, subversiveness and sloshing goldfish, all created
in perfect English syntax with a vocabulary of just 236 words, including
plurals -- the vast majority of them exceedingly simple one-syllable
words. This week: Use only the words appearing in "The Cat in the Hat"
(see the list) to create your own work of "literature" of no more than 75
words (though a much shorter entry is quite welcome): It can be in verse,
like Kevin Dopart's example above; it can be a narrative or dialogue; it
may sound Seussian or not. You must use the words exactly in the form on
the list, except that you may combine them into compound words, and you
may use any capitalization and punctuation you like.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives a 2-foot-long bright red sign that says "Naked,"
salvaged by Tim Vanderlee of Austin from a supermarket display
advertising this brand of juice. This is definitely what every Loser
ought to hang from the ceiling above his office cubicle.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 9. Put "Week 707" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published April 29. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart Next week's
revised title is by Pete Morelewicz of Washington

Report From Week 703, in which we asked you for a "barter" posting like those on Craigslist,
but funny.

Oh, well. It doesn't happen very often, in our exalted
opinion, but this is one of those rare Invitational contests that just
went pbbbffft. Even the most reliably clever Losers couldn't do much with
this one, producing not the usual astonishing strings of guffaw-producers
but only a heh or two. Fortunately, the previous contest, Week 702,
generated more kooky "Unreal Facts" than we had room for. So we'll share
some more Honorable Mentions this week, below the smattering of worthies
from Week 703.

4. Offering: customized vocabulary-building lessons. In trade for: one of
those whatchamacallits with the big thingy on the side. (Russell Beland,
Springfield)

3. A third-round draft pick for a 33-year-old dead-arm quarterback with a
seven-year, $43 million contract and an $8.6 million signing bonus. Yeah,
right, like anyone would take me up on that one. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

2. the winner of the bizarre alleged medical remedy from Oman: Adder's
fork, blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg and howlet's wing for eye of Newt.
Complete potion available in exchange for whole head. -- H.R.C., New York
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

Golf clubs for tennis racket: Decided it would be less painful if I beat
myself in the head with the racket. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Trading Down

Looking for tough, durable electric nose-hair trimmer. Will trade theater
tickets plus unopened carton of condoms. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Late adopter seeks to trade box of 8-track tapes for pack of floppy
disks. Please respond by mail to . . . (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Certain Korean nuclear arms control concessions for hand in marriage of
Angelina Jolie (must wear flats). -- K.I.S., Pyongyang (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

Will trade all copies of clandestine tape recordings made in the Oval
Office (2003-06) for a full presidential pardon. -- I.L. Libby,
Washington (Jeff Brechlin)

Will trade black hole (small) for closet organizer system. I keep losing
things. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester)

Willing to swap Boston cream pie for complete collection of Piaf records.

I really don't want to trade, but I know I can't have my cake and Edith
too. (Russell Beland)

Will trade my reputation as an honest, principled man for the Republican
nomination. God Bless you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Will trade one peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich for your bag of Cheetos.
My agent will also be happy to discuss yesterday's geography homework,
which I've already completed. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Looking to trade a used computer for two years of Hustler. I figure it
does the same thing but saves on electricity. (Seth Brown, North Adams,
Mass.)

Will trade 1,000-watt car stereo with super bazooka subwoofer for front
and rear windshields to a 2003 Honda Civic. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Have horse, midstream Potomac River. Will swap for another. Discretion a
must. -- G.W.B., Northwest Washington (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Will swap late fetal paws for a good book of palindromes. (Jeff Brechlin)

Several hours of thought for one original idea. (Ross Elliffe, Picton New
Zealand)
More Honorable Mentions from Week 702,

"Unreal Facts." We have a creeping feeling that some of these will
shortly be spread around the Internet, sans the Un-.

Most store-bought honey these days comes not from bees but from roaches.
(Russell Beland)

Anchovies are one of the 23 ingredients in Dr Pepper. (Laura Gainor,
Great Falls)

On any given day, the average human hears at least two words that are new
to his vocabulary. Sometimes more. -- G.W.B., Washington (Sue Lin Chong)

Janis Joplin only wore panties labeled "Tuesday." (Russell Beland)

Cave-aged cheese contains trace amounts of gold and bat guano. (Stephen
Dudzik, Olney)

Four of the ingredients in a Burger King milkshake can be found in
windshield washer fluid. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville)

In the early days of the NFL, football was considered a "gentlemen's
game" like tennis or golf, and spectators were expected to keep silent
for each play until the ball was snapped. (Roy Ashley)

As a young man, Steve Martin dyed his hair white. (Russell Beland)

Genghis Khan never rode without taking his pet hamster. (Andrew Hoenig,
Rockville)

Viagra was originally developed to keep celery fresh. (Andy Bassett, New
Plymouth, New Zealand)

In recipes calling for skunk urine, you may substitute an equal amount of
water, plus one tablespoon of ammonia. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

Crack cocaine got its name by people originally using it in suppository
form. (Russell Beland)

An ant is capable of lifting an object five times its own weight but is
incapable of getting off its lazy thorax and taking out the garbage. --
Anita Ant, Ant Farm, Rockville (Stephen Dudzik)

Each of NASA's Apollo missions carried an extra astronaut in case of
emergency. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Until organizers found out and canceled the contract in 1999, Vegan
Action pamphlets were printed in ink containing pigments made from cow
blood. (Kevin Dopart)

Alexander the Great's name more accurately translates into English as
Alexander the Above Average. (Russell Beland)

There is as much nutrition in the peel of one potato as in a 12-ounce
serving of carpet tacks. (Brendan Beary)

Iridium and beryllium are the only two elements known to mate. (Bob
Dalton)

Adrian Fenty's fedora used to belong to Jack Abramoff. (Kevin Dopart)

By October 1941, Roosevelt had secretly learned of four things we had to
fear in addition to fear itself. (Russell Beland)



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Next Week: Another Game of Tag, or Plate Textonics