Week 705: Simile Outrageous


Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

These two brilliantly awful similes head up a Web page titled "The 25
Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)," just one
of a slew of similarly titled Internet sites providing the very same
list. Of course, they are actually classic Style Invitational entries, by
veteran and still-cranking-it-out Losers Sue Lin Chong (results of Week
310, 1999) and Chuck Smith (Week 120, 1995).

Let's give these Web people some more excellent material to rip off with
nary an attribution: This week: Come up with funny analogies, perhaps
with some 21st-century references. Winner gets the Inker, the official
Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets The Wedding SlingerTM, a
little gun that shoots little hard plastic bride and groom figurines at
the newlyweds as they emerge from the wedding. How heartwarming to be
able to send Ashley and Jason off on their honeymoon with his-and-hers
eye injuries!

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 26. Put "Week 705" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published April 15. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The Wedding Slinger was donated by Peter Metrinko of Chantilly. The
Honorable Mentions title is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex. The revised
title for next week's contest is by Eric Murphy of Ann Arbor, Mich.

Report From Week 699 1/2, the second set of Losing entries from our contest to take a real word
beginning with E, F, G or H and coin a new word by adding, subtracting or
substituting a letter, or transposing any two letters. We printed the E-
and, er, F-words Feb. 25; here are the G's and H's.

5. Gangst: 50 Cent's dread of turning into Tupac. (Ken Gallant, Little
Rock)

4. Ahemorrhoid: An annoying person who points out flaws after it's too
late to correct them. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

3. Hovernment: Big Brother. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

2. the winner of the magnetic Greek alphabet letters: Home Despot: Martha
Stewart's new chain of decorating stores. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)

And the Winner of the Inker


(Bob Staake For The Washington Post)

Sackenhack: A town in New Jersey founded by Vikings. (Barbara Turner,
Takoma Park)

The Other Side of the Coinage

George W. Bust: History's verdict. (John Holder, Charlotte)

Whomicide: Murdering the King's English. (Chris Doyle, sent from Bangkok)

Gardenerd: One who would rather get a leaf than get a life. (Phil
Frankenfeld, Washington)

Gasolien: The financing you have to arrange so you can fill up the tank
on your Suburban. (M. Lilly Welsh, Oakton)

GenUrine: You'll always pass the drug test with this guaranteed-clean
Whizzinator sample -- only $99.95. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda)

Douse of worship: Baptism. (Chris Doyle)

Geopollitics: Foreign policy based on the latest opinion survey. (Rick
Bell, London)

Blogal Warming: The contribution to the greenhouse effect made by people
using electricity to go online to rail about climate change. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)

Glonads: A sign that you shouldn't have gone to the sushi bar with those
Russians. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Gotmo: Prison for the well-heeled detainee. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Hiltoon: A girl who has become a caricature of herself. (Tom Witte)

Codfather: A Mafioso who swims with the fishes. (Chris Doyle)

Haste couture: The newest menswear look on the runway: the deliberately
mis-buttoned shirt. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Randiose: Given to excessive embellishment of one's sexual appetite and
conquests. (Tom Witte)

Guanon: Constipation. (Elaine Gillespie, Derwood)

Hagwash: The lies you tell when trying to set up a blind date for an
unattractive cousin. (Marc Channick, San Diego)

Halls of IV: Yale Medical School. (Chris Doyle)

Hiphazard: A woman with a walk that causes men to bonk into trees. (Ann
Davie, Fern Tree, Tasmania, Australia)

Haringue: The froth of spittle on the edges of a demagogue's mouth. (Tom
Witte)

Hasta la visa, baby: Gov. Schwarzenegger's immigration reform slogan.
(Cheryl Davis, Arlington)

Hearthbreaker: 1. An old flame 2. A woman who makes an ash out of you.
(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Holy Bile: The rantings of televangelists. (Russell Beland)

Geishaq: A seven-foot-tall, 350-pound Japanese hostess. (Chris Doyle)

Nonad: A eunuch. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Hogan's Herpes: Close quarters in the stalag; high jinks ensue. (Veggo
Larsen, Palmetto, Fla.)

Herculess: Someone who realizes one evening that he's taken too many
steroids. (Roy Ashley)

Histrioincs: The acting in "Deliverance." (Tom Witte)

Bohoken: The town in New Jersey where Ugg boots are made. (Pam Sweeney)

Gonadolier: Someone you don't want poling you through Venice. (Brendan
Beary, Great Mills)

Testiculate: To conspicuously readjust one's package. (Tom Greening)

Moneysuckle: A vine that grows wild in front of any building with the
word "Bureau" on it. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Hula-oops: A grass-skirt malfunction. (Russell Beland)

Hyenta: A doggedly persistent matchmaker. (Mark Eckenwiler)

Hymend: To recover one's lost innocence. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Next Week: Unreal Facts, or Faux-Finding Mission