Week 703: Freak Trade Agreements


Intermittent Loser Jerry Ewing of Orlando, when not whiling away the
hours sending sarcastically flattering e-mails to the Empress, likes to
peruse the "Barter" category on the Craigslist classified-ad Web site
(the example above is an actual proposed trade he found) and wonder about
the circumstances that prompted the offers (the example above is Jerry's
own warped speculation). This week: Think of one thing to trade for
another, and supply a short and funny explanation.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a little box that may well be the oddest prize ever
offered here: One day there mysteriously appeared in the Empress's
mailbox an envelope whose return address said "LM" and a street in
Ypsilanti, Mich. But the stamps and postmark were from the nation of
Oman. Which is where LM presumably found this item, which, because The
Washington Post is a little squeamish when it comes to certain body
parts, we will call "Dr. James Fitting [Birth Canal] Tablet." The
description on the back says that "leuccorrhea will be disappeared when
Herbal Capsules is inserted," and goes on to promise married women that,
er, they will seem younger in a certain way.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 12. Put "Week 703" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published April 1. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler. The revised
title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart.

Report From Week 700, in which we sought presidential campaign slogans for the actual
candidates as well as for those who are even less likely to win.

Huge response, much of it shockingly stupid ("Root for Rudy"?) along with some
that were clever but just too tasteless even for us -- sorry, no Sen. Tim
Johnson jokes here.

4. Joe Biden: You'll Always Know Where He Stands, Because You'll Always
Know Where His Foot Is. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

3. Hillary Clinton: You Know I Didn't Have Sexual Relations With That
Woman! (Armani Steele, Boston; Bill Cowart, Washington)

2. the winner of the ceramic hamantaschen-shaped grogger: Alaska's Mike
Gravel: Give a Snowball a Chance in Hell (Bob Dalton)

And the Winner of the Inker Gen. Eric Shinseki: If You'd Listened to Me,
We'd Be Home by Now (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Dangling Chad

Christopher Dodd: It's Time the Democratic Party Gave a Liberal New
Englander a Try (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Lyndon LaRouche: Finally, a Candidate Who Actually Believes the
Ridiculous Stuff He Says (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield)

Tom Vilsack: I've Never Heard of Me Either (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Danny
Groner, Silver Spring)

Marion Barry: Getting Rid of Drugs, One Gram at a Time (Ira Allen)

The All-New McCain Straight-Talk Express for 2008: Now With Multispeed
Reverse! (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

Dick Cheney: Why Settle for the Lesser of Two Evils? (Mark Eckenwiler,
Washington)

Mark Foley: He'll Bring Our Boys Home (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Sam Brownback: I'm the Matter With Kansas (Ira Allen)

Dennis Kucinich: He'll Stand Up for America (Oh, Wait, He IS Standing Up)
(Bob Dalton)

Howard Dean: EEAAAAAGGGGGHH Was Just About RiIght, Huh? (David Smith,
Santa Cruz, Calif.)

John Edwards: Because Every Democratic President Since Truman Has Had a
Funny Accent (Russell Beland)

Dick Cheney: Hell, Let's Make It Official (Chris Doyle, on vacation in
Tokyo; Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.)

Tony Blair: It's PM in America (John O'Byrne, on vacation in Agra, India)

Barack Obama: It's Time to Do More Than Walk on Water and Cure Lepers
(Anne Paris, Arlington)

Lorena Bobbitt: If Elected I Will Not Sever (Russell Beland)

George H.W. Bush: Let Dad Fix It (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield)

Biden-Kerry: Let Us Preface This Shortest Slogan That Is Suitable for a
Bumper Sticker on an SUV That Uses Too Much Fuel and Increases Our
Dependence on Foreign Oil, Thereby Forcing Us to Become Involved in the
Conflicts Between Arabs and Jews, Arabs and Arabs, Sunni and Shia, Iran
and Israel, and Others in the Middle East to Defend a Vital National
Interest, Which Reminds Us of the Joke About the Rabbi, the Mullah and ..
.. . (Horace LaBadie)

Lisa Marie Nowak: It's Time for a Change (Ira Allen; Elwood Fitzner)

Hillary Clinton: One for the Price of Two (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Lance Armstrong: One Tough Nut (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Joe Biden: The First Mainstream American With Hair Plugs Who Is
Articulate and Bright and Clean and a Nice-Looking Guy (Jay Shuck)

Tom Vilsack: As Seen on Cedar Rapids Cable Access TV! (Sue Lin Chong,
Baltimore)

Joe Biden: Vote for Me and I'll Shut Up (Ira Allen)

Leonardo DiCaprio : He Knows What It's Like to Ride a Sinking Ship (John
Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Katherine Harris: She's Got Your Vote! (Bob Dalton)

Dennis Kucinich: Once You Stop Laughing, He Does Make Sense (Bob Kopac,
Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Jimmy Carter: It's Morning in Palestine (Ira Allen)

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: You Know He'll "Faithfully Execute" (Mark
Eckenwiler)

Rove-Cheney: Don't Switch Horses in Midstream (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Tom Tancredo: When in Doubt, Fence 'em Out! That's Tom's Tan Credo (Barry
Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Sen. Jon Tester: Don't You Wish We'd Had a President Tester Long Before
This? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Next Week: Untitlement, or Whatchamaca Lit