Week 702: Unreal Facts


A Big Gulp cup can hold 27 European swallows.

Pillow suffocation is a legal execution method in seven states.

Richard Nixon held his last breath for 12 years 301 days.

Heavily Ink-Stained Loser Kevin Dopart, who submits several dozen entries
to us each week, all sorted into tidy little categories, suggested this
twist on the "Real Facts" included under the caps of Snapple bottles
(e.g., "a bee has five eyes"): Come up with a comically false . . . well,
let's call it a fictoid, as in Kevin's examples above. They don't have to
fit on a bottle cap, but don't write a whole story.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives the amazing belt pictured below, sent to us from New
Delhi by Truly Cosmopolitan Loser Robin Diallo. The writing on the belt
seems to be in secret code, but if you look long enough, you realize that
someone -- the proverbial chimp at a typewriter, perhaps? -- was
attempting to write the titles of various Rolling Stones songs. Hence
"Eave You Seen Tour Nd Ther!Bady! Standing in the Sfadgwi."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 26. Put "Week 702" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published March 18. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Bonnie Hughes of Reston. The
revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte.

Report From Week 698, in which we sought questions that might (but even we hope would not) be
asked by either the interviewer or the applicant during a job interview.

No doubt, in a year or two someone with too much time on his hands will
e-mail you a list of "actual questions asked during job interviews,
compiled by human resources professionals." It will be the list below,
minus the names.

5. Applicant: Would I be working within 90 feet of any school? (Chuck
Smith, Woodbridge)

4. Applicant: Can I use you as a reference? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

3. Interviewer: If my next question is "Do you plan to steal from this
company?" would your answer to that question be the same as your answer
to this one? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

2. the winner of the pink plastic pig crumb-vac that we thought was a
fan: Applicant: These rules against sexual harassment in the office -- do
they also apply to the parking lot? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

And the Winner of the Inker

Applicant: Say, those girls in the photos on your desk, are they seeing
anyone, well not the fat one, but those other two? (Russell Beland,
Springfield)

Shortlisted

Questions by the interviewer:

Assuming we're not all mowed down by the disgruntled psycho you're being
hired to replace, where do you see yourself in 20 years? (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)

If you could rid the world of any ethnic minority, which one would you
get rid of, and why? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

"Before we proceed further, you should know that we allow three -- and
only three -- inter-cubicle visits per day. I'm guessing that you're
enough of a nebbish to accept that?" (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Sell me this pocket lint! (Stephen Dudzik)

Prove the Mordell-Weil theorem states for any abelian variety A over a
number field K. Nah, I'm kidding. Who's your favorite serial killer?
(Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Chicago)

So, with my last assistant, I'm, like, do it. And he's, like, uch. And
I'm, like, what? And he's, like, no way. Now I'm, like, I need this done.
And he's, like, I'm outta here. So: Are you like that, too? (Dina
Feivelson, New York)

Here's a picture of my mother -- do you find her attractive? (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village)

So where do you see yourself five incarnations from now ? --
Outsource2India.com, Bangalore, India (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward,
Calif.)

Even though drug testing isn't part of our hiring process, could you pee
in this cup anyway, just for me? (Brendan Beary)

Is there anything even remotely funny about Dilbert's skewering of middle
management? (Stephen Dudzik)

We respect all faiths and creeds, of course. But to take a hypothetical
situation -- let's say you were caught on the 20th floor as a fire raged.
What would be the name of the deity you'd implore for help? (John Shea,
Lansdowne, Pa.)

Are you trying to relax by imagining me naked? (Marty McCullen,
Gettysburg, Pa.)

Do you always wear such conservative dresses? (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie,
N.Y.)

What do you have to say about God for shirking work on the seventh day?
(Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

We're looking for a strong supervisor. Do you spank your children? How
about your wife? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Let me ask: Do you cringe naturally, or is that something you've had to
work on? (Mae Scanlan)

The last guy could turn his hand 360 degrees around his arm. What talent
would you bring to the company? (Creigh Richert, Aldie)

I see that you keep looking at me. May I ask why? (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)

What would you wear on casual Saturdays? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

What's one good reason why I shouldn't throw your adorable little behind
out of here right now? (Phil Battey, Alexandria)

Say, you wouldn't know the difference between a teacup Chihuahua and a
Cheez Whiz souffle, would you? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

So. Do you remember, in third grade, that game of dodgeball? (Ed Gordon,
Hollywood, Fla.)

Questions by the applicant:

Man, what a tidy office you have. Who's OCD, you or your secretary?
(Bonnie Hughes, Reston)

So will Wal-Mart give me time off from the cash register for my union
organizing duties? (Axel Brinck, Montreal)

Are conjugal visits allowed? (Gregory James, Mitchellville)

This whole thing is the employee handbook? Don't you have it on, like, a
card? (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

On Casual Fridays, can I wear my footie pajamas? (David Moss, Arlington)

Is your pension plan still operative in event of the Rapture? (Peter
Metrinko, Chantilly)

So, how would you like to autograph this photo of yours from MySpace?
(Peter Boice, Rockville)

Sheesh, doesn't your dental plan cover mouthwash? (Jon Reiser, Hilton,
N.Y.)

You all don't drop everything, put candles on a cupcake and do that whole
clapping-and-singing thing around somebody who's said it's his birthday,
right? 'Cause I once set a guy on fire like that. I wish I could say it
was accidental. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

If I don't take any bathroom breaks, can I leave work early each day?
(Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Is there a minimum period to qualify for severance pay? (Chuck Smith)

Before I sit down, do you mind if I sanitize the chair? (Jane Auerbach,
Los Angeles)

Would you like to see some pictures of my cats? (Jack Fiorini,
Williamsburg)

Would you mind terribly if I called you Dad? (Jay Shuck)

Next Week: Our Greatest Hit, or Lexicontortions