Week 700: Stump Us


In May 1991, a Washington Post story quoted Democratic experts as saying
the only guys who could raise enough money to have a chance in the 1992
election were Mario Cuomo and Lloyd Bentsen (or maybe Dick Gephardt or Al
Gore or Jay Rockefeller). Our point is that, in February 2007, there are
still plenty of candidates -- and potential candidates, even far-fetched
ones -- for whom you can write funny slogans. This week: Come up with
someone's slogan for the 2008 presidential campaign. While we'd
especially like great ones for the actual likely candidates, those for
other hominids will also be considered.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a homemade ceramic grogger (noisemaker) in the shape of a
piece of hamantaschen, the pastries served on the Jewish holiday of
Purim, which begins the day this contest's results are printed. Despite
its appearance, we are pretty sure that the pinkish clay emerging from
the top of the pastry is not supposed to be a pork filling.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 12. Put "Week 700" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published March 4. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. The revised title
for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik. This week's contest, first
run back in Week 22 at the suggestion of still-Losing Elden Carnahan, was
recommended to the Empress by Russell Beland. This week's prize was
donated by Marleen and Rachel May.

This just in! We've just learned why the pink plastic pig we offered as a
prize for Week 698 seems to be the world's least effective cooling fan.
That it because it is actually a little crumb-vacuum for the dinner
table, according to reader Karen Sloane of Louisville, who got one as a
Christmas present. Well, it's not as if we felt any suction from the
thing either. But its pigness at least makes sense.

Report From Week 696, our biennial contest to combine the names of new members of Congress to
produce legislation.

As usual, Losers were way more productive than
Congress, churning out several thousand bills. Most common were along the
lines of the Fallin-Johnson Act to promote ED research, and the
Castor-Corker Law to help prevent laxative overdoses.

As always when we run the results of this contest, you have to be pretty
flexible in reading them. For instance, you have to accept Mahoney as "ma
honey" and Yarmuth as "yar mouth." "Walz" is used for both "walls" and
"waltz." We did not, however, accept Hodes as "hotties," and we would
never even share with our readers such ridiculosities as
Castor-Murphy-Murphy to mean -- are you ready? Because we had to ask for
the translation from Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn. -- "customer femur
fee."

4 Walz-Yarmuth-Hirono resolution to suggest that Sean Lennon and Yoko try
out for "Dancing With the Stars." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) [That would be
"Waltz your mother, Ono." For the rest, you're on your own.]

3 The Sanders-Walz Act to replace "The Star-Spangled Banner" with the
Chicken Dance. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

2 the winner of the Heinz Microwaveable Spotted Dick: The
Fallin-Whitehouse-Hall Act to institute a national day of remembrance for
President Ford. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring)

And the Winner of the Inker

The Whitehouse-Brown-Walz Act: An emergency appropriation to redecorate
the Oval Office after you-know-what hit the fan in November. (Pam
Sweeney, Germantown)

Second Billing

The Corker-Yarmuth-Whitehouse-Perlmutter Resolution reminding Barbara
Bush to never, ever say anything else about Katrina victims. (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)

The Space-Walz Act, which appropriates funding for a fence to keep out
illegal aliens. (Dan Landau, Potomac)

The Whitehouse-Bilirakis bill to both balance the budget and finance the
war. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

The Buchanan-Johnson Act, which requires equal recognition of all
presidents who served between 1857 and 1869. (Lenny Levy, Gaithersburg)

The Murphy-Murphy Law to declare that whatever can go wrong will justify
another wrong. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

The Heller-Mahoney Tin Pan Alley Commemoration Act (Dudley Thompson,
Cary, N.C.; Russ Taylor, Vienna)

The Lampson-Mahoney bill to extend congressional health coverage to
certain elective surgical procedures. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

The Brown-Boyda Paradise Act to declare an official bird of Brooklyn.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

The Whitehouse-Lampson Act: Would markedly increase the brightness of the
Presidential Residence, though not the Presidential Residents. (Beverley
Sharp, Washington)

The Johnson-Hare Act to designate Coca-Cola as the official soft drink of
the U.S. Supreme Court. (Chris Rollins, Cumberland, Md.; Jonathan Paul,
Garrett Park; Kevin Dopart, Washington)

The Donnelly-Ellison-Ellsworth-Fallin-Gillibrand-
Hall-Heller-McCaskill-Mitchell resolution telling the administration to
go two-L. (Steve Llanger, Chevy Chase)

The Casey-Mahoney-McCarthy-Murphy-Murphy-Cohen Resolution ordering
congressional dining rooms to serve green bagels every March 17. (Ira
Allen, Bethesda)

The Whitehouse-Corker Bill to require presidential press releases to
include a disclaimer that some statements may not comply with normally
expected standards of accuracy. (Jim Newman, Luray, Va.)

The Heller-Bachman Act honoring Audie Murphy for his heroism in a war
people actually understood. (Ira Allen)

The Wilson-Sires-Mitchell Comic Strip Edginess Act (Dudley Thompson,
Cary, N.C.)

Yarmuth Hirono Act limiting in-law visits. (Pam Sweeney)

The Boyda-Sires-Johnson-Hare Act, funding medical research aimed at
accelerating the onset of puberty. (Tom Gordon, Falls Church)

The Lampson-Tester Act to create the Bureau of Really Easy Jobs. (Tom
Galgano, Bowie)

The Shuler-Whitehouse Act reinforcing separation of synagogue and state.
(Marleen May, Rockville)

The Loebsack-Hare-Webb Act requires special gear to be worn by men
serving food in nudist colonies. (Jeff Brechlin)

The Lampson-Whitehouse-Walz-Fallin Act: Authorizes expenditures to
refurbish the executive mansion. (John Folse, Bryans Road)

The Welch-Hare-Sires-Lamborn-Brown Act to prevent the importation of
inter-species genetic mutants. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Erika
Wilson, Gaithersburg)

The Davis-Sali resolution apologizing for lousy late-night TV jokes about
the Japanese. (Kevin Dopart)

The Lampson-Hare resolution discouraging excessive merriment at Hill
office parties. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

The Smith-Tester Act to authorize the Department of Homeland Security to
conduct background checks of motel guests. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

The Cohen-Sires-Murphy Interfaith Marriage Facilitation Act (Jim Lubell,
Mechanicsville, Md.)

The Boyda-Whitehouse-Fallin Act regarding the lost dignity of the
Executive Branch. (Benjamin Cooper, Springfield)

The Mahoney-Boyda-Klein bill, to encourage congressional pages to "just
say no." (John Clewett, Falls Church)

The Johnson-Ellison-Wilson-Lampson Bill honoring the sons of John, Elli,
Wil and Lamp. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) .

The Boyda-Johnson-Fallin-Yarmuth act, which rules that it doesn't count
if you don't inhale. (Russell Beland)

The Castor-Tester Steroid Policy for All Sports Even Fishing Bill (Paul
Kondis, Alexandria)

The Yarmuth-Wilson-Whitehouse Resolution -- calls for all roll call
votes, payroll distributions, etc., to be carried out in reverse
alphabetical order. This is the most significant legislation to be passed
this year. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Next Week: We Beg You to Differ, or Match Pointless