Week 697: We Beg You to Differ


A drunken kangaroo is madly hopping; staying the course has people hopping mad.

a drunken kangaroo
a prescription for Levitra
the new speaker of the House
a teacup Chihuahua
staying the course
a Mini Cooper convertible
a urine sample
the Washington Nationals
Shakira's hips
a Cheez Whiz souffle
24 cents plus tax
11 pipers piping
the Poincaré Conjecture
Kim Jong Il's pompadour
a Style Invitational Loser magnet

This week, an Invitational favorite: Take any two items from the truly
random list above -- really, the Empress just threw a dart 15 times at
various parts of her brain -- and explain why they are different or why
they are similar.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a promotional copy of "Black and Blue," a CD by "Roy D.
Mercer," a character created by Brent Douglas, a Tulsa radio host who
calls up people to play practical jokes on them, usually accusing them of
having wronged him, and promising "an ass-whupping." Right there on the
CD case is the testimonial "It ain't funny!"

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 22. Put "Week 697" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Feb. 11. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of Washington. The
revised title for next week's contest is by Dave Prevar of Annapolis.

Report From Week 693, in which we asked for fanciful sequels to actual movies.

Offered by many was something like "Passion of the Christ II: The Second Coming: He's
back . . . and he's mad!" (The folks from "Family Guy" already did a
little video with that one, though.)

4 "Bonnie and Clyde II": The troopers just keep shooting into the car for
another 127 minutes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

3 "Snakes on a Blimp": Hey, what's that hissing noise . . . hey, what's
that BIG hissing noise? (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

2 the winner of the nostril pencil sharpener and snot key chain: "Kramer
vs. Kramer: The Next Generation": Ted and Joanna reconcile and have
another son. But little Cosmo goes terribly wrong. (Drew Bennett,
Alexandria)

And the Winner of the Inker

"Gandhi II": No more Mister Nice Guy! (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New
Zealand)

On the Cutting Room Floor

"Upper West Side Story": The remaining Jets grow up and become bond
traders, taking ballet classes in their off-hours. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

"Brokeback Molehill": Even in the rural West, some traditional attitudes
are softening, so Ennis's new love interest is just no big deal. (Russell
Beland)

"The Other 603 Commandments": Moses sits up there on Mount Sinai taking
notes about such topics as pigeon sacrifice and whether bats are kosher.
Except for the slightly racy Commandments 82 through 105, which cover
forbidden sexual relations, the tale is a bit short of epic. (Andrew
Schneider, Fairfax)

"Amadeus II": Mozart's Requiem is ready for posthumous production when
the scheming impresario Snydieri closes Vienna's last concert hall.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"The Great Escape 2": Capt. Hilts, in another daring escape attempt,
makes it out of the camp but wrecks his motorcycle trying to avoid a
governess and her seven children. (Tom Galgano, Bowie)

"A Brief History of Time 2: Downforce": When Stephen Hawking is dropped
off a 20-story building as the result of a David Letterman prank gone
horribly wrong, his valuable brain is transplanted into the nearest
available body, which happens to be that of the guest immediately before
Hawking, Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Andrew Malone, Washington)

"War of the Worlds II": Back on Mars, the invaders smack their
three-fingered hands against what passes for their foreheads, brew up a
batch of penicillin and prepare to try again. (Andrew Schneider)

"Rocky 13": Rocky Balboa, now 92, winds up in the same nursing home as
his nemesis Clubber Lang, 87. The rivalry is reignited after their
wheelchairs bump on the way to bingo. They throw some Jell-O at each
other, then take a nap. (Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

"Seventy Brides for Seven Brothers": The brothers relocate to the Utah
mountains. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"It's a Wonderful Life for You, Maybe": An angel shows an elderly George
Bailey how much happier everyone he knows would be without the burden of
taking care of him. (Beth Baniszewski)

"You've Got Spam": Kathleen breaks up with Joe and fears she'll never
love again, until she starts a new e-mail relationship with a Nigerian
banker. (Brendan Beary)

"Pay Per Moon": Addie gives up the grift and settles down to an honest
life as a stripper. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase)

"Rear Window 2": Jeff is hired to apply his knowledge of photography,
lenses and lighting to develop the first colonoscopy camera. (Phil
Frankenfeld, Washington)

"Old Yeller II: Night of the Living Dog": Rabies and a bullet to the head
can't keep down a vengeful undead hound. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf;
Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

"Ferris Bueller's Flex Day": Our hero, all grown up, spends a day away
from the office waiting for the cable guy to arrive, paying bills, mowing
his lawn and finally sneaking in that trip to the bank he's been needing
to make. (Russell Beland)

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind II": Two lovers are so happy with
each other that they erase everything except their memories together.
Unfortunately, they thus lose the ability to drive, work and feed
themselves, and they perish in a few romantic weeks. (Jeff Brechlin,
Eagan, Minn.)

"An American Tail 2007": The cute little mouse gets to the border, sees a
big fence, and goes back to his house. -- Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo.
(Matthew Hertz, Buffalo)

"King Kong: The Next Generation": After her mother pretty much explodes
in childbirth, Fay Darrow Kong tries to adjust to life in New York as a
20 foot human-ape hybrid. Kids learn to stop teasing pretty quickly, but
she is isolated and lonely until World War II, where she single-handedly
captures Okinawa in 27 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin)

"Raging Steer": Jake LaMotta finds that years of low blows have left him
impotent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

"Raging Cow": This time it's Rosie O'Donnell who beats up on all comers.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

"Camelot II," directed by Oliver Stone: Hark! 'Tis newly betrothed
Lancelot and Guinevere, set upon while touring Toulouse! What ho? An
arrow hast pierced the bony orb of fair Lance, whilst Guinevere doth save
her arse by crawling o'er the arse of her 'arse. Arthur of Camelot is
captured with a crossbow in yon parapet, but wast there a second arrow?
Aye, 'twas Merlin on yonder grassy knoll who didst let another cruel
stick fly. (Jeff Brechlin)

"Ei8ht": A serial killer murders seven people who have committed one of
the "deadly sins," plus this guy who cut him off on the highway without
signaling or anything. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

"The Passion of the Christ 2, 3 and 4": The Jews go on to cause more
trouble in the world in 476, as Rome falls to the Jewish barbarians;
1431, as Joan of Arc is burned at the stake by Jewish mobs; and 1941,
when Jews of the Imperial Navy send their Zeros to attack Pearl Harbor.
(Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)

"The Red Balloon II": A balloon-propelled boy suffers a hard landing on a
Parisian street, leaving him pigeon-toed, helium-voiced and missing two
teeth. The locals declare him a genius. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Rent II: Mortgage": The bohos move to Loudoun County, struggle to make
ends meet on their dual GS-15 salaries, and sing ballads that decry the
trials and tribulations of home improvement contractors, homeowner
associations, HOV lanes and mall parking. (Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.)

"Groundhog Day II": Only the title is different. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Next Week: Hopelessly Ever After, or Just Doom It