Week 693: Everything Being Sequel


National Velvet II: After winning the Grand National steeplechase, the
Pie is sent to compete in France, where he unfortunately breaks a leg and
ends up befitting his name.

Incredibly, we've never done this contest before -- or so swears Ultimate
Obsessive Loser Russell Beland, who suggested it -- except for one week
long ago in which all the entries had to suggest sequels to "Casablanca."
This week: Give a brief scenario for the sequel to a well-known movie. If
there are already actual sequels, yours must be significantly different
from the real thing, duhhh.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives a nose-shaped and approximately nose-size pencil
sharpener -- you stick your pencil into the left nostril -- donated by
Post staffer Jim Stimson. And we'll toss in a key chain with a nose that
pushes out whitish blobs when you squeeze it (and retracts them when you
let go, pictured, below); the Empress bought this item expressly so she
could list "Snot Key Chain" on her expense form.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Dec. 26; even the Empress lets you
have Christmas off. Put "Week 693" in the subject line of your e-mail, or
it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and
phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor
and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published
Jan. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington
Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's Honorable Mentions
name is by Kevin Dopart. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Dave Prevar.

Report From Week 689, in which we sought bad ideas for toys.

Almost everyone offered a nice variation on Barbie, including Pole Dancer Barbie, Burqa Barbie, Fat
Middle-Aged Barbie and Klaus Barbie. Also under a lot of imaginary trees
this year: the E-Z Bake Crystal Meth Lab and Baby's First Blowtorch.

4.Junior Engineer's Waste Water Treatment Plant: Kids, process your
Numbers 1 and 2 into fresh, clean water you can drink! (Horace LaBadie,
Dunnellon, Fla.)

3.Hug-a-Pet Testing Kits: Choose from the Food Additives, Cosmetics and
Household Products editions. The perfect accompaniment to the Christmas
puppy. (David Franks, Wichita)

2. the winner of the crummy Mistletoe Belt: Mr. Tomato Head. (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village)

And the Winner of the Inker

The Little Telemarketer Reverse Directory. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Seconds of Fun

Catty Cathy: She keeps your little girl's ego in check with phrases like
"Nobody wants to play with you" and "Freckles are ugly." (Kirk Zurell,
Waterloo, Ontario)

Global Warming Ant Farm with Deluxe Magnifying Glass. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)

In the new Family Set: Betsy Wetsy and Grandpa Wetsy. (Jay Shuck,
Minneapolis)

Ascending Virgin Action Figure: Spring-loaded base sends Mary soaring up
to 20 feet on her way to Heaven! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Trace Your Own Family Wreath: Lots of genealogy fun for you and your
rural cousins. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Serious Putty. (Walt Devore, Gaithersburg)

Christmas in Gettysburg: Turn your mother's Christmas village into
re-creations of famous battles from history. Holiday revelers become
collateral damage and columns of refugees when you add these colorfully
detailed figures and accessories. Also available: Christmas in Cannae
(with elephants), Yorktown, the Somme and My Lai. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Reindeer Antlers Yarmulke. (Jay Shuck)

Lack of Chemistry Set: Kids can play grown-up by simulating the failed
dates of adults. Includes scripts for dull, stilted conversations with
long periods of silence. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

He Knows Your Name doll: Program Mr. Sleazy with Susie's name and he'll
awaken her at random times during the night by whispering, "Susie, I'm
watching you." (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

Handlebar-mounted video game. (Art Grinath)

Mr. Potato Head "Prophets of Islam" set. (Kevin Dopart)

Stack the Iraqis game: Who'll make the biggest pyramid? Pocket camera
included so you can remember your best creations. (Ken Gallant, Little
Rock; Arthur C. Adams, Laurel)

E-Z Bake Coven: Reenact the Salem Trials with this educational toy.
Complete with witch figures of all ages! (Tom Witte)

My Little Defibrillator. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Saddam Night Light: Put him out with a good yank on the cord. (Kevin
Dopart)

Fido-bro: The sibling-size leash and collar. Teach your eldest about the
responsibility required for pet ownership, and scam some free babysitting
hours to boot. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerset, Mass.)

Lego September 11 Play Set -- get all three! (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Tsunami Bath Set: Everyone likes to make waves in the tub. Just set up
the little villages and let the fun begin! (Kevin Dopart)

L'il Critter Spay/Neuter Lab: Everything your future veterinarians need
to help Bob Barker keep the pet population in check. (Not recommended for
children with younger siblings.) (Jeff Brechlin)

My First Humidifier. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton)

Home paleontology kit: Dig for your own fossils in eight tons of
compacted earth and rock delivered right to your door! Not available in
Kansas. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

"CSI: Who's Your Daddy?" Play Set: Kids, with our home DNA test kit, you
can finally figure out which of your overnight uncles is going to pay
your college tuition. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf; Brad Alexander,
Wanneroo, Australia; Kevin Dopart)

Iraq 3-D Puzzle: You may not have wanted it, but it's yours now. (Kevin
Dopart)

The Superman "I Can Fly!" Cape. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Pretend chocolates shaped like moose poop: Not pretend moose poop.
Pretend chocolates. Real moose poop. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Of course, a boy would rather have something to play with than something
to wear -- but with these pants with a special hole in the pocket, he can
have both! (Rob Kloak, Springfield)

Milton Friedman's Money Supply & Interest Rate Play Set. (David Dalton,
Arlington)

Homework Outsourcer Gift Card: Give your kid the gift of quality homework
aid, done by a smart kid from another part of the globe. Choose from
India, Japan and northern Europe. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

CrackSlacks: When it's too cold to wear your jeans really, really low.
Across the rear of these jeans is painted a full vertical crack and
matching cheeks in lifelike flesh color -- choose from six shades! (Bob
Wallace, Reston)

Cabbage Patch Kids Guillotine. (Jeff Brechlin)

A doll family: anatomically correct and functional figures of father,
mother, son, daughter, grandma, grandpa, family dog, and a pony. What do
you call it? The Aristocrats! (Wilson Varga, Alexandria)

Next Week: Funnies: How Time Flies, or Changing Our Toon