Week 691: Haven't Got a Clue


47 Across Actual clue: Aeneas' foot ailment?

New clue: It caused Helen's face to sink a thousand ships.

Here's a crossword that appeared in the Nov. 18 Washington Post (see a
larger version). The clues to the words ranged from ooh-clever to
ah-that's-funny to nothing-special. This week: Make all the clues
ooh-clever or at least ah-that's-funny, even the little words. Offer as
many as you like (please indicate the number and direction for your clue)
and we'll use the best clue for each word, and maybe some alternates. As
with many crosswords, you can offer a clue whose answer encompasses two
or more of the words in the puzzle. Regular Losers will notice that this
is basically a mega-"Jeopardy!" contest.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives two tiny tins of Healthy DessertsTM, in the Carrot
Cake and Berry Cobbler flavors. These were on the "giveaway table" here
in the Style section, and the Empress, who's famous for snarfing up any
comestible within reach, grabbed them along with a third can, Pumpkin
Crumble, which she sampled. It was, by far, the most tasteless,
bad-textured dessert she had ever tried; even though the can advertised
"less than 100 calories per serving" (not to mention "Healthy"), she was
astonished that any human being would eat this stuff. It wasn't until she
saw a recommendation in that next day's Food section that she realized
that it was, ahem, dog food. It turns out that "Dog Treat" does appear on
the can, off to the side at the bottom, in white lettering approximately
the size of a flea.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get a
lusted-after Style Invitational magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 11. Put "Week 691" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Dec. 31. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte. This week's
Honorable Mentions title and the new contest were both suggested by Kevin
Dopart.

Report From Week 687, in which we asked for jokes in the classic form "What they said / what
they were thinking":

4. "Do I blame the president for replacing me? Heavens, no!" [". . . Will
I excoriate the buffoon in my memoir? Absolutely!"] (Jeff Brechlin,
Eagan, Minn.)

3. "As you can see, we make a small, delicate incision in the patient's
left atrial wall." ["Oops."] (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2. the winner of the rubbery Grow a Boyfriend and Grow a Girlfriend
figures:"Sure, I'll be happy to feed your cat for a few days." ["Sure,
I'll enjoy looking through all your drawers."] (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

And the Winner of the Inker

"Oh, no, I didn't even notice that zit on your nose until you pointed it
out to me." [". . . Rudolph."] (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Sub-Texts

"How can I help you?" ["How can I get rid of you?"] (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village)

"What fragrant perfume." ["Why don't you just wear Magic Tree Car Air
Fresheners as earrings?"] (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"Your call is important to us" [". . . though not so important that we'd
pay someone minimum wage to answer it."] (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

"We're about to experience some minor turbulence." ["Dang. Where's the
page about 'loose wing'?"] (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Telemarketer: "How are you doing this evening?" ["I'm not eating dinner,
so why should you?"] (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Guy: "Stunning necklace!" ["Stunning bazongas!"] (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Mechanic: "We've figured out that it's the manifold." [". . . benefits of
bilking you."] (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." ["Ugh, I look
so fat."] (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"To be, or not to be?" ["Methinks I'll go with 'be.' "] (Jeff Brechlin,
Eagan, Minn.)

"The Gallaudet math department stands behind you 110 percent, President
Fernandes." ["In base 3."] (Peter Metrinko)

"So let's give a welcome to Macaca here. Welcome to America, and the real
world of Virginia." ["I just welcomed myself into the real world of
imminent unemployment."] (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

"I live in a condo in Georgetown." [" . . . with my parents."] (Chris
Doyle)

"Hi, can I buy you a drink?" ["Hi, will you sleep with me in exchange for
a vodka and cranberry?"] (Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

"What do you think?" ["And then maybe you'll shut up?"] (Kevin Dopart)

"You were awesome!" ["The sex was gratifying, but I must stifle my
articulation lest I divulge our intellectual incompatibility."] (Ned
Bent, Oak Hill)

"Don't worry, Senator, you'll find a job on K Street." ["You know that
Burger King near 15th?"] (Peter Metrinko)

"I don't understand what those women see in him." ["He won't give me the
time of day."] (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." [". . . especially the lies I'm
about to tell you."] (Chris Doyle)

"Think about what I just told you." ["Because I'm going to repeat it
several times to help in the reflection process."] (Chuck Smith)

At a meeting: "That's a great question." [". . . because for once, I
actually have an answer."] (Kevin Dopart)

Bob Dylan: "I was thinkin' 'bout Alicia Keys, couldn't keep from crying."
["Who the @#$% is Alicia Keys?"] (Greg Johnson, Reston)

"We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created
equal." ["Good thing my plantation slaves won't be reading this."]
(Howard Wachspress, Springfield)

"You've put on weight? I couldn't tell." ["Fall asleep on the beach and
Greenpeace will push you back into the ocean."] (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

"Now, this mammogram won't hurt at all." ["Just pretend that your breast
is caught in the freezer door."] (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

"I don't want to ruin our friendship." ["You're ugly."] (Tom Witte)

"I have not yet begun to fight!" [". . . but I HAVE begun to wet my
pants."] (Jeff Brechlin; Steve Fahey)

George Bush, August 2004: "Our enemies . . . never stop thinking about
new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ["Our
enemies . . . never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and
our people, and neither do we."] (Kevin Dopart)

And Lasts:

"Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy." [".
. . which is worth a big six bucks, while I get piles of money to copy an
e-mail and put it in the paper."] (Drew Bennett)

"I've had jokes printed on 59 different occasions in The Style
Invitational, which is a weekly humor contest in The Washington Post, and
quite difficult to crack, if I may say so." ["It's about time I thought
of a better pickup line."] (John O'Byrne)

"Thanks -- it's just what I wanted!" ["Ooh, she's gonna call this prize
The Tackiest Knickknack Ever Manufactured."] (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Next Week: Making Short Work, or The InVItational