Week 690: Funnies: How Time Flies


One week after escaped felon Billy Keane was captured in a Las Vegas
motel, the oddly convoluted map in his possession led police to the
shallow grave of Ida Know, 24.

Little Billy of "The Family Circus" has been 6 years old for 46 years.
Kevin Dopart of Washington suggests that we pull Billy -- or any of his
comic strip neighbors in The Washington Post -- out of his time warp to a
different age, era or place, and provide a short storyline or dialogue or
caption. Don't just say "Garfield is a saber-toothed tiger." Please don't
send actual comic strips. You can use any comic that appears regularly in
The Post, including "Doonesbury" and "Dilbert," which aren't on the daily
comics pages.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives, thanks to Russell Beland of Springfield, a ceramic
Smoking Baby, in whose mouth you put little match-size "cigarettes" and
light them and smoke comes out. (Russell has been 6 years old for only 43
years.)

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 4. Put "Week 690" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Dec. 24. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Martin Bancroft of Rochester,
N.Y. The revised title for next week's contest is by a whole buncha
people.

Report From Week 686a, when we asked what ought to be done with the now-famous Ugly Painting by
Fred Dawson of Beltsville that was awarded as a Style Invitational prize
to Art Grinath of Takoma Park, who returned it to us, reporting that
"frankly, it frightened my cats."

Most frequent suggestion this week: It's the perfect decor for the Gitmo interrogation room.

4. Donate it to the Hohner Co., to commemorate the first human born with
a harmonica in her mouth. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

3. Use it as a fundraising poster to help find a cure for Sudden Infant
Hand Syndrome. (Hopi Auerbach and John Garner, Greenbelt)

2. I need the painting back -- it's a portrait of my wife that Fred
Dawson painted in 2003 that was lost in our recent move to Minnesota.
(See family photo.) (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

And the Winner of the Ugly Painting

I should get it because everyone thinks you'll give it to me because that
would be funny, but then people will think you would never resort to such
a cheap and easy laugh, so they'll be sure you won't give it to me, and
that's when you'll fool them. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Mona Losers

The NEA could use it for a commercial pleading for more arts education
funding. This could be the most effective ad since the one with the
crying Indian standing in trash. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

This rare painting of a young Ronald McDonald would make a priceless
addition to my Happy Meal collection. (Rich Carlson, Bowie)

If you give this painting to me, I'll take care of it even better than
that other one -- and it won't be no accident. -- Steve Wynn, Las Vegas
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

I would gaze upon this fine portrait from time to time for renewed
inspiration as I continue to chase my dream of becoming a professional
artist's muse. The painting, with its simple, unaffected subject and its
perfect dimensions, make it the ideal replacement for the missing
windowpane in my bathroom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)

Isn't everybody getting tired of that old skull-and-crossbones poison
symbol . . . ? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

My mother-in-law deserves this picture because she wouldn't be seen dead
with something like this. And she's dead. Bwahahaha. (Ross Elliffe,
Picton, New Zealand)

The painting should be neatly packed in a box labeled "PROOF THAT
GREENHOUSE GASES CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING" and then delivered to the White
House. The box and painting will disappear, never to be seen again.
(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

This ought to be hanging in the Loo, or whatever that French museum is
called. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Send it to the art correspondence school on the matchbook with a letter
saying, "I couldn't draw Binky, but I painted this. Do I qualify?" And
you will! (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

I should get the painting because then I'll have a matched set over my
fireplace. (Michael Canty, Yorktown, Va.)

It's proof to my students that if they don't study hard and master art
appreciation, they'll end up stuck in Iraq. (David Dalton, Arlington)

Title it "Muhammad's Mother." Go to Paris and ship the picture, courtesy
of the French government, as a gift to the Taliban. They'll take it from
there. (Andrew Hoenig)

It should be the last thing Saddam Hussein is allowed to see before the
blindfold goes on. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

"Fred Dawson" is an anagram for "Dwarf Nosed," and judging by the nose in
the painting, this is clearly a cross-dressing self-portrait. These are
now illegal in Virginia. Make him take it back. (Jeff Brechlin)

You should send this painting to Stephen Dudzik of Olney, who's been
dying from an attack of pleonasms ever since 1994, when he complained in
Week 48 about this "rare parasitic worm" in a successful attempt to be
given a Loser T-shirt. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

There are some scuff marks on my rec room wall that form an uncanny image
of the Circumcision of Christ. That creeps me out even more than Fred's
picture, so send it to me so I can cover it up. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

I want this painting because I believe it contains a clue to another New
Testament mystery: Did Mary have a really ugly sister? -- Dan Brown
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

The painting could be used as part of the Turp by Numbers kit, wherein
the home artist removes each color in turn, eventually revealing a
perfectly good canvas. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

Because I have just learned that it's absolutely impermissibly tacky to
put family photos on the wall, and so I need something to put on the
hook. (Jan Hyatt, Severna Park)

Maybe there is a Rembrandt underneath, so we better take off the top
layer of paint just in case. (Art Grinath)

And Last: I should get it because I've discovered I like scaring my cats.
(Art Grinath)

Next Week: Whatever Were They Thinking?, or Lafterthoughts