Week 683: What a Piece of Work


What is most foul, strange and unnatural, even with milk? Instant.

Here's a variation, suggested by Literary Loser David Smith, on a contest
we did in Week 603: Back then, we asked you to write funny sentences
using only words that appeared in a chapter of Genesis. Given that a
reader or two objected to your taking sacred texts and producing phrases
like "flock off," David suggests a secular, but still widely available,
tack: String together words in a single scene, or two consecutive scenes,
of "Hamlet" to produce one or more funny sentences, preferably unrelated
to the original content. The words must appear in the order in which they
appear in the play, as in David's own example above, taken from Act 1,
Scene 5. You can find the complete play all over the Internet, on sites
such as http://www-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare .

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets Pimp My Cubicle, a kit including a mouse pad that says
PIMP, a "bling" keyboard key, and a glittery disco ball the size of a
ping-pong ball, donated by Loser Drew Bennett of Alexandria, who as a
Marine colonel can't exactly use this stuff at work.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, by fax to
202-334-4312 or by postal mail to The Style Invitational, The Washington
Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct.
16. Put "Week 683" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 5. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. The Honorable Mentions name is by Art Grinath. The
Revised Title for next week's contest is by Roy Ashley of Washington.

Report From Week 679, in which, a la "Jeopardy!," you came up with questions for any of the
"answers" we supplied:

4 Answer: Eating With Scissors. Question: Who was Dances With Wolves'
stupid brother? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

3 Answer: Texas Nurture 'Em. Question: In what game do you auntie up?
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

2 The winner of the thumb wrestling kit: Answer: MyAppendix.com.
Question: What unfortunate URL did Microsoft buy for Version 9 of its
MyAppend footnoting program? (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

And the Winner of the Inker

Answer: Well, why wouldn't she? Question: Does God ever regret creating a
world in which a single hormone -- testosterone -- is the root of so much
war, belligerence and strife? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Of Questionable Merit

Anywhere but a bathtub

Where is a good hiding place for the Wicked Witch of the West? (Sue Lin
Chong, Baltimore)

In what situation is a toaster more useful than George W. Bush? (Seth
Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Where would you like to see Barbara Walters and Star Jones settle their
differences? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Where will a 3-year-old willingly get naked? (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Texas Nurture 'Em

At Montgomery County PTA Vegas Nights, what game is now as popular as
Five-Card Family Man? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

In what game does a pair beat a flush? (Ted Weitzman, Olney)

What did they name the Caesars Palace day-care center? (Ed Gordon,
Hollywood, Fla.)

What state juvenile-offender rehabilitation program was replaced with
Texas Electrocute 'Em? (Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda)

The Bureau of Idiot Affairs

What agency uses "The Peter Principle" as its employee advancement
handbook? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What Foreign Service division has a consulate in the Paris Hilton?
(Michael Platt, Germantown)

For its office team-building retreat, which agency schedules a snipe
hunt? (Chuck Smith)

What agency has a toll-free 900 number? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Mel Gibson, Rob Reiner and a moose

Who play Archie, Mike and Gloria in the remake of "All in the Family"?
(Miles D. Moore, Alexandria)

Who are a giant whack, a giant hack and a giant rack? (Andrew Hoenig,
Rockville)

At the Zoo Speakers Series, who engaged in a heated debate on "Are Some
Animals Jewish?" (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

If Kirstie Alley and Roseanne are together on one side of a seesaw, what
do you need on the other side? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Because it's sooo purple

Why did Harvard Professor Timothy Leary say he liked to go to Fenway Park
to stare for hours at the Green Monster? (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Why is "throbbing manhood" a favorite phrase of romance novelists? (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)

Why is purple Paris Hilton's favorite color? (Bird Waring, New York;
Karen Dunn, Alexandria)

How could my doctor tell I was a wino just by looking at my blood sample
in the test tube? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

What's left of Tony Kornheiser's hairline

What's that stuff growing in Tony Kornheiser's ears? (Gerard Zarchin,
Annapolis)

What can now join King Canute, the Great Wall of China, Hadrian's Wall
and the Maginot Line as a symbol of a failed attempt to hold off the
inevitable? (Elden Carnahan; Chuck Smith)

What's the only thing thinner than Tony Kornheiser's skin? (P. Farhi,
Washington) (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

What is a back-hair combup? (Chuck Smith)

Eating With Scissors

What was easier for Edward to learn than putting in contacts? (Beth
Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

What was the blonde found doing after she was told to cut out sweets?
(Tom Witte)

What is the secret to the Swiss Army Diet? (Andrew Hoenig)

What is a euphemism for depending upon coupons to stretch your food
budget? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Well, why wouldn't she?

What question doesn't a guy want to hear from his buddies on Sunday
morning? (Pam Sweeney)

Why does that woman think that teetering across a rooftop is going to
make me want a mortgage? (Mike Herring, Washington)

When Maria Sharapova makes love, does she grunt? (Levi Goldfarb, Temple
Hills)

MyAppendix.com

Where can you find images of what had been the last unphotographed part
of Madonna's body? (Kevin Dopart)

Who will first report the arrival of The Rupture? (Jay Shuck; Ted
Weitzman)

ESPN 37

What channel's prime-time lineup includes the Scholastic Jacks
Championship, Celebrity Yahtzee and night games of Little League croquet?
(Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Joseph Romm, Washington; Drew Bennett,
Alexandria)

What cable niche channel is devoted to director Kevin Smith, Casey
Stengel, Bill Lee, the element rubidium, Cuban primes, Richard Nixon,
Nebraska and the 2003 Super Bowl? (Ira Allen)

What was the final score of the ESPN vs. C-SPAN football game? (Seth
Brown)

What sports channel is devoted to watching Tony Kornheiser's hairline
recede? (Margaret Welsh, Oakton)

The best mnemonic for the eight planets

What is "Memorably visible equipment malfunction: Janet showed us
nipple"? (Wilson Varga, Alexandria)

What is "Meretricious Variegated Etruscan Mystagogues Jurisprudently
Soliloquized Unequivocal Neologisms"? (What could be more catchy! --
William F. Buckley) (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

What is certainly not Moogy Voogy Eoogy Moogy Joogy Soogy Uoogy Noogy?
(Seth Brown)

What's a lot easier to remember than the best mnemonic for the 535
members of Congress? (Brendan Beary)

What is "Many Virginians e-mailed mediocre jokes saying 'Ur-anus,' no"?
(Greg Johnson, Reston)

Next Week: Rendered Speechless, or Drawing Blanks