Week 679: Ask Backwards
1. Anywhere but a bathtub
2. Texas Nurture 'Em
3. The Bureau of Idiot Affairs
4. Mel Gibson, Rob Reiner and a moose
5. Because it's sooo purple
6. ESPN 37
7. Eating With Scissors
8. Alfred E. Numa Numa
9. Well, why wouldn't she?
10. MyAppendix.com
11. What's left of Tony Kornheiser's hairline
12. The best mnemonic for the eight planets
THIS . . . isn't really very much like "Jeopardy!" -- even though we say
it is every time we run this particular contest. Then again, this IS The
Style Invitational, open (except for last week) to one and all. In any
case, here are the answers. You supply the questions to as many as you
dare.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets, through the dubious generosity of Russell Beland of
Springfield, "The Official Book of Thumb Wrestling," a spiral-bound
cardboard collection -- with two holes punched through -- of pictures of
various playing "venues," such as a football gridiron and a nuclear
battlefield.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 18. Put "Week 679" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Oct. 8. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar. The Revised Title for next
week's contest is by Ken Gallant of Little Rock.
Report From Week 675, in which we asked for humorous ways to be lazy.
Well, a lot of Losers
took us up on the lazy part, fewer on the humorous part. (The majority of
people, for example, included a suggestion that we just fill in their
entries for them.) It's pretty clear that August had infected just about
everyone.
4 If a dirty dish looks clean, interpret it as clean. If a dirty dish
looks dirty, interpret it as trash. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville)
3 Take a cue from miniature golf: Take up miniature jogging. (Michael
Fransella, Arlington)
2 The winner of the glass hand boiler:
Why spend time each night trying to convince your toddler that there's no
monster under the bed? Put one there and be done with it. (Jay Shuck,
Minneapolis)
And the Winner of the Inker
Use a Segway on your treadmill. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Uninspirations
Have some algae and a light bulb implanted in your lungs. They'll make
oxygen and absorb carbon dioxide, so you don't have to keep doing all
that breathing. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)
Just toss a few of your wife's silk blouses in the washer and dryer, and
you'll never have to do laundry again! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Suck your chewable vitamins. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)
Figure out the 10 things you say most frequently and assign a number to
each. Wear a shirt with the code on it, and then just hold up some
fingers. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Fake paralysis. At the hospital, they will feed you, bathe you, and you
don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom. Just don't fake
paralysis of the hand, or you won't be able to change channels on the TV.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)
Change your screen saver to look like whatever you are supposed to be
working on, so that no matter how long you are out of your office, it
looks like you just stepped out. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Instead of placing a sunshade behind your windshield, use cookie sheets
with mounds of chocolate chip dough. Or . . . I know: Instead of cookie
dough, put up a couple of frozen pizzas -- then you'll have delivery AND
DiGiorno. (Rick Powell, Springfield)
E-mail Christmas greetings to one of your sisters and ask her to pass it
on. (Kathy Boyce, Herndon)
Instead of washing your underwear, just hang it on the blades of a
ceiling fan. If you run it on high all night, that should blow out most
of the funk. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Instead of resetting clocks at the end of daylight saving time, just tape
a "-1" on the face. (Art Grinath)
If you just go ahead and induce in the second trimester, labor isn't such
a big deal. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Order a pizza delivered in the morning just so you can ask, "Hey, on your
way out would you mind tossing that paper this way?" (Drew Bennett,
Alexandria)
No one will notice if you relax 10 seconds after every 3,000th Nike
jersey you sew! -- Maria Valdez, age 14, Honduras (Jay Shuck)
Hire a maid, au pair, secretary, cook, gardener and tutor. If she works
out, marry her. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Stp typng ths compltly nncssry vwls! (Dgls Plmr, Nnpls; Sth Brwn)
Just go to www.mylazyass.com. Then you won't have to think of your own
ideas on how to be lazy. (Ted Weitzman, Olney)
I talked my friend into taking my wife out to dinner regularly so I
wouldn't have to. What's even better is I'm really saving money because
they're usually out pretty late, which means she's eating a LOT. (Tom
Witte, Montgomery Village)
Why water your plants when you can train your dog to do it for you? Saves
on exercise, too. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown; Kathy Boyce)
Put a motor on your rocking chair. (Jeanie Kunkel, Fairfax)
Instead of the hassle of flying to a Caribbean resort, I've found that if
I float in the pool with my belly sticking out of the water, I can paste
some little plastic palm trees on it and pretend I'm in the sea off my
own private island. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
Let your HOV dummy do the driving. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run)
Save the effort of applying sunscreen at the beach -- just find a greasy
fat person and rub up against her. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
The Sudoku game is much easier if you write a 3 in every blank. If
someone tries to correct you, scold him for failing to think outside the
box. (Jay Shuck)
Outsource your Invitational entries. See, are special good funny much.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Instead of thinking of a decent Style Invitational entry, just send it
under the name of someone important. The Empress can't resist showing the
world that a celebrity entered her stupid contest. -- Benedict XVI,
Vatican City (Sam Bruce, Manassas)
Instead of submitting entries to the Style Invitational, just read the
results in the paper, then cross out the name of the winner and write
yours under it. Instant gratification! (Sasha Lamb, Washington)
Get hired by a major metropolitan newspaper and edit and judge a humor
contest. The entrants do all the heavy lifting; all you do is pick the
best entries and bask in the love and adoration of the readers and
contestants for your wise choices. (Roy Ashley, Washington) [Not with
this pile of doody, you can be sure.]
Next Week: Tour de Fours III, or Quadrelafferals