Week 677: The News Gets Verse


Dan Quayle Invitational Spelling Bee Ends in Tie

The Empress has been immersed up to her diadem in a deluge of doggerel
(the cream of the Week 674 limericks will appear next week) as well as
thousands of takes on recent Post headlines. So why not put them
together? This week: Sum up wittily in verse -- but not a limerick -- any
article appearing in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Aug. 28
through Sept. 4. If you're using the printed Post, please include the
date, page number and headline; if you're freeloading from the Web, give
the date and copy in a bit of the article. If you live in this area and
won't pay 35 cents for a paper, you are a rat. As always, long poems must
merit the extra space; four terrific short lines are way more likely to
get ink than a pretty good sonnet.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a gross fake ear dripping with fake blood, with even some
fake hair on it, all set in a foam hamburger takeout container, below.
It's a promotion for some DVD, presumably not "Winnie-the-Pooh Meets
Holly Hobbie."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 5. Put "Week 677" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Sept. 24. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The Honorable Mentions name is by Kevin Dopart. The Revised Title for
next week's contest is by Eric Murphy of Ann Arbor, Mich.

Report From Week 673, in which we asked you to write a "bank" headline that reinterprets an
actual headline appearing in The Post or on washingtonpost.com that week.

More and more Losers systematically examined every headline in every
paper all week long, submitting long lists of entries daily. And a lot of
them sent in basically the same jokes. Funny but too frequent were
entries along the lines of "Military Blimps Report for Duty: Army Relaxes
Weight Restrictions for New Recruits"; "Going Once, Going Twice, Going
Right in the Closet: Prostate Problems Make Nighttime Bathroom Runs
Difficult"; and "Without Beard, Mystics Clinch Playoff Spot: Lady
Hoopsters Vow to Keep Shaving in Postseason."

4 Eeeww! Why Do We Wind Up With Prune Fingers at the Pool?
Joey's Health-Nut Mom Takes Over Summer Camp Snack Duty

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

3 Bird Flies After Resting
It's Been a REALLY Slow News Day

(Ken April, Arlington)

2 The winner of the ceramic dead-duck-looking towel hook:

Steroids Scandal on Deck for Baseball Hall Voters
Some Sportswriters Suspiciously Typing 200 WPM

(Peter Beckerman, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

She Says Tomayto, He Says Tomahto . . .
Dan Quayle Invitational Spelling Bee Ends in Tie

(Fred Winter, Arlington)

And Past the Colon

A Terrible Tug for the Democrats
Party's Woes Began When Monica Hiked Up Her Thong During Pizza Delivery

(Rob Kloak, Springfield)

Boswell Readies for Fantasy Soccer
Post Sportswriter Insists New Beat Is 'In No Way a Comedown'

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

What Does It Mean?
Clinton's New Book Is Sequel to Acclaimed Study of 'Is'

(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Iraq at Risk of Civil War, Top Generals Tell Senators
Generals Now to Search Pope for Signs of Catholicism

(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

The Last Honest Man
Archaeologists Establish That Fossil Is Older Than Adam and Eve

(Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Raining Champions
America's Top Distance Urinators Stream Into Town for Rooftop Finals

(Kevin Dopart, submitted from vacation spot Naxos, Greece)

Gibson Reportedly Goes on Anti-Semitic Tirade
'Best Christian Theme Park Ride I've Ever Ridden,' Actor Heard to Say

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Tejada Is Adamant About Staying With O's
Teammates Miffed Over All-Star's Inflexibility at Pregame Tic-Tac-Toe

(Brendan Beary)

Giants' Shockey Is Left Dazed After Practice Collision
But Plans to Keep Practicing Colliding

(Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Clubbing, Relaxing in Iceland
Seal Hunts Aren't Just for Canadians

(Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario)

Half the Effort. Twice as Easy.
How to Pick Up Homely People Over Forty

(Judith Cottrill, New York)

Free Optical Mouse
Three Blind Mice Protest Outside White House to Demand Release of Their
Visionary Leader

(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

7.7 Million to 8.2 Million
International Cricket Tournament Gets Underway With Typical Match

(Kevin Dopart)

Bush Focuses on Domestic Agenda
Upstairs Maid, 11 a.m.; Downstairs Maid at Noon

(Ed Gordon, Hollywood, Fla.)

25% Off Jockey
Pudgy Rider Makes Weight as Amputee

(Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Boy George to Pick Up Trash in Aug. Heat
Warm Weather Best for Dating Bimbos, Singer Says

(April Musser, Atlanta)

Stop the Band-Aid Treatment
Tween Girls Demand Real Bras

(Kevin Dopart)

Putting Their Mouth Where the Money Is
Pickpockets Get Creative With New Technique

(Deborah Guy, Columbus)

As Bush Outlines Cease-Fire Terms, U.N. Talks Stall
Ignoring U.S. President, Security Council Discusses Adding Toilets to HQ

(Fil Feit, Annandale)

In the Twilight, a Champion Still Looks for a Spark
Tonight on ESPN, the World Series of Firefly Catching

(Russell Beland)

Humbled in Minors, Church Finds Groove
Choir Now Sings in Major Keys Only

(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

A 10-Year Checkup
Retiree Tells of 'Longest Wait Ever' at Internist's Office

(John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

After Physical, Bush Is Called 'Fit for Duty'
Reporters Seek to Clarify: 'Can You Spell That Last Word?'

(Brendan Beary)

Speed Urged on Expanded Kindergarten
'Just Feed 'Em Ritalin,' School Board Advises as Class Is Enlarged to 35
Five-Year-Olds

(Elwood Fitzner; Rob Kloak)

'It Felt Like a Good Place to Start a Family'
Couple Arrested for Lewd Conduct at Mattress Store

(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Review Finds Shortage of Workers
Long-Awaited Review Had Been Delayed Because of Shortage of Workers

(Peter Metrinko)

Advance, Retreat or Punt
New Offensive Coordinator Simplifies Redskins Playbook

(George Vary, Bethesda; Andrew Hoenig)

Climbing the Charts From His Bedroom
Wilt Chamberlain's Life Remembered

(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Strong Earnings Reports Boost Stocks
And Big Losses Tend Not To

(Russell Beland)

Big Pronouncements in August Can Haunt You in December
Santa Knows If Gibson's Apology Is Sincere

(Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

When We Want Your Opinion We'll Tell You
Post Welcomes Bill O'Reilly as New Ombudsman

(Steve Fahey)

Fashion Clearance
Actresses Submit to Review Panel Before Being Seen in That Atrocious Thing

(Judith Cottrill)

Chief Links Need for Curfew to 'Irresponsible' Parents
Exhorts Children to Keep Mommies, Daddies In at Night

(Michelle Stupak)

Carpenter's Bruised Thumb Has Improved
Construction on Capitol Visitor Center May Resume Next Month

(Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Bluegrass Cat Rolls
Popular Kentucky Snack Attacked By PETA, ASPCA

(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

Feeling Unwelcome, Some Gays Vacate Virginia
'She's a Nice Lady but There Was No Real Attraction'

(John O'Byrne, Dublin)

The Center Cannot Hold
NFL Cracks Down on Illegal Blocks

(Pam Sweeney)

Next Week: Limerixicon 3, or Anapest Destiny

© 2006 The Washington Post Company


More Honorable Mentions

Sunday, September 24, 2006;


More Honorable Mentions from Week 677 of The Style Invitational, which
asked for poems based on articles appearing in The Post or
washingtonpost.com from Aug. 28 to Sept. 4:

"Castles With Too Much Overhead"

When you inherit French chateaux
And then work through the math,
You'll likely join the droves who flee:
A Bordeaux Grapes of Wrath.

(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Mixing Bowl's New I-395 Ramp a Ray of Hope"

Improvements to the Mixing Bowl
Are earning rave opinions:
Some folks can drive so fast that they
Forget that they're Virginians.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

"Rumsfeld Assails Critics of War Policy"

We hope that one day Rumsfeld's forum
Will look into their bathroom RORRIM.

(Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

"In Any Language, a Whole Lotta Shakira Goin' On"

Music critic J. duLac
Saw Shakira, came on back,
Got his laptop in a twist,
Pretty nearly sprained a wrist
Typing out an accolade
To the way her hips are made.
Nice review, J. Freedom; thankee.
Someone get this man a hankie.

(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

"Legal Penalties in Frauds Are Seldom Paid by Legal Advisers"

The godfathers of corp'rate greed
Face prison lives quite scary.
Avoid the fate of those who lead:
Be their consiglieri.

(Ken Gallant, professor of law, University of Arkansas)

"Scores Investigated in Ikea Bribery Case"

Some German prosecutors are at work, I see,
In charging some Ikea suits with bribery.
I doubt those lawyers understand the task they face;
It's bloody hell, constructing an Ikea case.

(Brendan Beary)

"FBI Shows Off Counterterrorism Database"

[The FBI has built a database with more than 659 million records]

The FBI has made it clear:
More terrorists than people here!

(Ken Gallant)

"Plan for Enhanced Federal IDs Could Open Door to a Biometrics Boom"

New biometric fingerprint cards
Can provide a reason to linger;
No way to fool security guards,
So relax and give them the finger.

(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"Trap-Jaw Ant's Bite Sets Record"

A Costa Rican bug wins entomologists' applause;
Among all critters, this one's got the fastest-working jaws.
All hail the little trap-jaw ant, Odontomachus bauri --
Who, by himself, could out-jaw Oprah, Doctor Phil and Maury!

(Brendan Beary)

"A Fuel-Good Story at Summer's End"

Thank Zeus that gas is going down,
I'm feeling mighty fine.
But who'd a-thunk I'd feel this good
To pay $2.99?

(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

"The President and His Critics Mark Anniversary Along Coast"

Hurrily, scurrily,
Dubya forages
Votes from the delta
(An op for the press).
Democrats contravene
Undiplomatically:
"George, where's the levy
To fix up this mess?"

(Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.)

"Karr Won't Be Charged in Death of JonBenet"

John Mark Karr said "Yes yes yes!
I killed the moppet! I confess!"
Now John Karr does naught but pout;
His DNA done ruled him out.

(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

"Polygamist Is Arrested in Nevada"

That Jeffs guy always gets the girl
And, like his name, prefers her plural.

(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis, where people tend to talk like this)