Week 673: Mess With Our Heads


France Wins Ugly Contest

Perpetual Sneers, Dangling Cigarettes, Stupid Berets Key to Victory

Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on
Washingtonpost.com from July 30 through Aug. 7 and reinterpret it by
adding either a "bank headline," or subtitle (like the joke bank head
offered in the example, under an actual Post headline for a World Cup
story), or the first sentence of an article that might appear under it.
Please include the date and page number of the headline you're citing
from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or
two of the story so it's clear what the original was about. Headlines in
ads and subheads within an article can be used, too; photo captions
cannot.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up scores an only partially damaged ceramic front side of a little
duck, below, discovered by the Empress at the thrift store. If you
install it as intended, hanging on a wall (the duck, not you), its little
feet stick out and you can hang a hand towel on them. We prefer, however,
placing it on its back, feet up in the air, in the dead-duck position.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 7. Put "Week 673" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Aug. 27. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik. The
Honorable Mentions name is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia (but
formerly Alabama and Florida).

Report From Week 669, in which we asked for bad advice to immigrants to the United States.

Just everyone suggested that we explain that because we are an
English-speaking country, we always drive on the left.

4 If you're not sure exactly what someone said to you in English, it's
always polite to respond, "That's so gay" or "God, that's retarded."
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

3 Stand at a freeway on-ramp with a handwritten sign that says, "Will
work for green card." (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco)

2 The winner of the "GERM" swim cap from the Germantown team: During the
Pledge of Allegiance, place your right hand either over your heart or
under your armpit. If you choose the latter, after the words "and
justice," pause to punctuate the Pledge with a patriotic toot. (Jay
Shuck, Minneapolis)
And the Winner of the Inker

Those silver or white bidets in office hallways are available for either
sex to use. Shorter people can use the lower ones. (Gordon Labow, Glenelg)
Even Wretcheder Refuse

Looking for a nice park where you can spread out a picnic blanket? In the
U.S.A., we call that "scoring grass" -- just ask any policeman where's
the closest place to score some. (G. Smith, Reston)

It's not posted, but in Washington, D.C., there's always free parking on
a "state" avenue if your car has a license plate from that state. They
don't publicize that so that Maryland and Virginia avenues don't get too
crowded. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

If you make a down-and-up "check" motion with your finger, the waitress
will bring your bill. And if you stand up, wave one arm and grab your
crotch with the other, she will show you to the restroom. (Drew Bennett,
Alexandria)

When you select a name for your bogus ID card, use "Lou Dobbs," a common
name in the U.S. that no one will notice. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

They may not taste good or seem filling, but you really should eat all
your food stamps every month. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

To make sure he doesn't spread germs in a public place, such as a bank, a
man suffering from a runny nose customarily wears a bandanna over the
lower half of his face. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Make sure there aren't any ink blots on the letter you send your new
congressman: Dust it with talcum powder or flour before you send it.
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

If you're unfamiliar with Washington's Metrorail system, make sure you
take your first ride during rush hour. That way there are sure to be
hundreds of people who can help you figure out how to use the Farecard
machine and turnstile. (Lois Bangiolo, Gaithersburg)

To pay the bill in a restaurant, stand, face the waiter, count out loud
the exact amount, and then add two pennies, preferably shiny new ones.
(Drew Bennett)

A common phrase of disbelief is "Bob's your uncle." If the person says,
"Beg your pardon?" that is the cue to strike him about the head and
shoulders. (Chuck Smith)

British visitors should remind the former colonists how much they've
missed by being isolated from Britain and the Continent, not to mention
how they've bastardized the language. And don't forget to comment upon
their odd names. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

White people will be offended unless you address them as "Mister Cracker
Sir." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Using indoor plumbing every single time just makes you look uppity.
(Russell Beland)

Americans are very friendly. Always say hello and shake hands with the
man at the urinal next to you. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

When asked if you have anything to declare, wink at the customs officer.
If he does not respond, wink again. Continue to wink until someone allows
you to pass. (Tim Vanderlee, Rockville)

As a foreigner, you should carry handy maps of several major U.S. cities.
Be sure to circle any interesting buildings, tunnels, etc., that you want
to see, and print out from the Internet as much detailed information
about them as you can. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

America is a very fast-paced society, so you must drive even faster than
you do at home. The fastest drivers are cheered on with noisemakers and
flashing lights. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

American farms are all pick-your-own, so just drive in and dive in! This
includes beef and dairy farms. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

If you disapprove of the war in Iraq, protest it by burning your green
card. (Ned Andrews, Charlottesville)

Your country probably has a deep, abiding passion for that goofy sport
where people run around kicking a ball and nothing happens. So do we! So
come on, talk about it with us all day long -- we just can't get enough!
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

You see those guys with "Minutemen" on their shirts? That means they're
more than happy to give you a minute of their time. Just go up to them,
tell them you've just crossed the border and say, "I'd like you to help
me out." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel; Jay Shuck)

Remember when flying in the States to bring your own cutlery for the
sumptuous airline meal. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

Address young American women as "Miss," while the term for American women
over 40 is "you old hag." (Robert W. Sprague, Alexandria)

At sporting events, you're allowed to stone people who do the wave.
Please. (Russell Beland)

To meet your neighbors, it is customary to play very loud music starting
around 8 p.m. on Sunday, but don't be surprised if they don't start
coming over until after midnight. (Drew Bennett)

And Last: A good way to fit in is to wear these super-trendy T-shirts
with "Loser" written on them. You don't see many because most people
can't afford them, but I'll let you have one for just 50 bucks. (Russell
Beland)

Next Week: A Test of Character, or Switch Craft