Week 672: Just Sign This


Fairly New but Already Far Gone Loser Kevin Dopart of Washington called
the Empress's attention to a fun Web site called Atom Smasher, on which
you can make your own (pictures of) highway signs like the one here. This
week: Write a funny message for an overhead highway sign. Maximum length:
three lines, 20 characters per line. You don't need the Web site for the
contest, but you can make your own picture (and other signs as well) at
http://atom.smasher.org/highway .

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets "The Worst Picture Ever Painted," below, appropriately
named many years later by its creator, the unbelievably masochistic Loser
Fred Dawson of Beltsville -- the same guy who sent in a photo of his
generous gut in the Humiliate Yourself for Ink contest -- who donated it
(the painting, not his gut) for his own neighbors to see right here in
the paper.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 31. Put "Week 672" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Aug. 20. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest and this week's Honorable
Mentions name are both by the indefatigable Tom Witte of Montgomery
Village.

Report From Week 668, in which we sought some colorful taglines to tell about justice done in
various criminal (or comically "criminal") cases, a la the wrap-ups by
ex-sheriff John Bunnell on "World's Wildest Police Videos":

4 This con man got nabbed calling out phony bingo numbers -- now he's N4
life. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

3 This phony doctor forged his license and degree from Penn State. Now
he's forging license plates in the state pen. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

2 The winner of the lobster-scented bath gel:

The yoga master embezzled the ashram funds. She'll do a good long stretch
in the joint. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

This young hustler is sitting in the pokey -- for poking in the city.
(Robert W. Sprague, Alexandria)

Petty Offenders

They disregarded the zoning laws when they tried to put up that
10,000-square-foot mansion in Chevy Chase -- now they'll finally get
their wish for the Big House. (Brian Collins, Olney)

He didn't bother cleaning up the surprises his dog left in the neighbors'
flower beds -- and now the law is gonna give him a real lesson in doo
process. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

For years, he overused the passive voice. Now hard time is being done!
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

The thief was caught red-handed -- and now he's black-fingertipped.
(Judith Cottrill, New York)

Jane went on a crazed rampage through Linens 'n Things -- now her rap
sheet is 300-count. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

The chocolate smudges on the galley proofs tell the whole story -- you
just can't have your cake and edit too. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Looks like Bob left the toilet seat up one too many times -- and Mary's
not one to take that sitting down. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

This sticky-fingered Snickers-sneaking tot will learn her lesson --
behind the padded bars of her playpenitentiary. (Jer Gallay and Clare
Brown, Bethesda)

The press secretary's vague euphemisms confused and annoyed us one too
many times. Now he'll, er, face a challenge. (Jay Shuck)

So what does the arsonist get for his 15 minutes of flame? A long spell
in the cooler. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

She thought her e-mail chain letters were harmless fun --

until she ended up Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:iendless. (Jay Shuck)

This man loved women so much he had four wives at one time -- now he'll
be the "wife" of four men at one time. (G. Smith, Reston)

He was charged with battery -- and sure enough, his new home is a dry
cell. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

His wife caught him arranging a tryst on his cellphone, and now he's
trying to make nice with a huge diamond. Looks like he faces some high
roaming charges. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

The cop at the party saw that she was serving herb in the brownies. Now
she'll be serving hard thyme. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

When Rush Limbaugh was caught with someone else's Viagra prescription, he
didn't expect a stiff sentence in the penal colony. (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

The journalist didn't check her facts. Now there's a box reserved for her
in the house of corrections. (Kevin Dopart; Jay Shuck)

Once again, the tippler tipped over his stein and made a river of beer
down the bar -- and this time, he was up Schlitz creek. (Russell Beland)

He referred to his wife as "the old lady" -- now he's the one with the
false teeth. (April Musser, Atlanta)

This foolish girl walked out of the store with jewelry she didn't pay for
-- I wonder if she likes the bracelets she's wearing now. (Marjorie
Streeter, Reston; Lisa Younce, Key West, Fla.)

Busted for both prostitution and possession! High ho, high ho, it's off
to jail you go. (Bird Waring, New York)

He thought his plagiarism would go undetected -- but high ho, high ho,
it's off to jail he goes. (Jay Shuck)

And Last: Looks like this joker has been submitting his entries under a
pseudonym. Maybe he just needs to go away for a few months to figure out
why they call it a "pen" name. (Brendan Beary)

Next Week: Huddled Messes, or Grin Cards