Week 670: A Test of Character


The difference between a call girl and a ball girl is that one handles
flies, and the other mostly grounders.

The difference between Murtha and Martha is that one wants a war-end
timetable and the other wants a wartime end table.

It's hard to believe we've never done this contest before, but if we did,
we can't find the thing: Change a word or phrase by only one letter --
substitute one letter for another, add a letter or transpose two letters
-- and explain how they are different or similar.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives the cool rubber skull pictured below, complete with a
bubble inside containing eyeballs and tongues and stuff.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 17. Put "Week 670" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published Aug. 6. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery
Village. The Honorable Mentions name is by Mark Eckenwiler of Washington,
who also donated the skull.

Report From Week 666, which we celebrated by asking you to see the work of the Devil in
everyday items and events, and to sermonize against them:

4 Beware of Satan's little black box! I speak, brothers and sisters, of
PlayStation. Forsake it! And turn instead to the PrayStation -- for the
End of Game Time nears, and on the Ninth Level of Hell, you can't hit the
Reset button. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

3 Look no further than today's headline: "Students Find Ring Tone Adults
Can't Hear." The evil is obvious: Cellphones are Lucifer's loudspeakers.
. . . Can you hear him now? (Mark McGovern, Washington)

2 The winner of the Atone Mints plus some Mensa pencils with the 666
phone number: New Jersey hockey team is Devils. Is obvious. -- Miroslav
Satan, New York Islanders (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.)
And the Winner of the Inker

Amen, brethren, we all fall short of the glory of God, by our words and
thoughts and deeds, and yea, by our very maws and entrails! See how we
take God's gift -- the creatures and bounty of the earth which the Lord
hath provided -- and by our digestion turn it to the most sordid filth,
to be excreted out; thus do we dishonor the Lord. Brothers! Sisters! We
must not lay ourselves to waste! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The Outer Circles of Hell

Behold the eyebrows of Andy Rooney! They groweth and moveth, bobbing as
if they were the tentacles of the Beast itself. Pray lest Lesley Stahl be
rendereth uncoiffed! Pray lest Morley Safer be rendereth unavuncular!
Pray lest the madness that droveth away Dan Rather descend upon us! The
Face of Time warneth us all! Tick! Tick! Tick! (Bruce Alter, Fairfax
Station)

Lo, each grid is numbered unto nine, and the grids are nine in number;
this pleaseth the Lord, nine being a trinity of trinities. But be not
fooled by the Tempter's snare: for every trinity of grids, they that run
from the east unto the west and they that run from the north unto the
south, conceals a 6, and a 6, and a 6, and thus is the Sudoku a puzzle
wrought by Satan! (Brendan Beary)

Without warning, the sun goes black. A hellish howling pervades my being.
The very air becomes a sulfurous fume. The earth trembles, and all life
that can move flees, slavering with fear. Now that the End has come, the
living will envy the dead. . . . Never mind, it's just my neighbor idling
his Hummer in the driveway. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

How devious is the Trickster! He beckons to our gluttony with lures of
Extra Value! He coddles our avarice with specials and prizes! Is not his
masked servant Ronald garbed in the very colors of blood and brimstone?
Does he not brazenly display the giant golden "M" of Mephistopheles?
Beware, brethren: Wide is the service counter to Hades, and easy the way
through the drive-thru! (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

Male Members of the congregation, you who partake of the Blue Pill
beware! Heart attacks abound for those who are weak, as vital blood is
stolen from the heart to feed thy Devil's Tool. The warning is clear: VI
(Roman 6) + AG (1st letter - 7th letter = -6) + RA (18th letter x 1st
letter = 18), which adds up to 18, which is 6 + 6 + 6. The lesson, my
friends, is simple: Do not rob Paul to pay Peter. (Ed Stolar, Rockville)

iPod: the 9th, 15th, 14th and 4th letters of the alphabet.

9 + 15 + 14 + 4 = 42

4 + 2 = 6

iPod Video. iPod Nano. iPod Shuffle.

6. 6. 6.

The sound of the Beast worms its way into our brains, preparing us for
Satan's arrival. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

Evil will not reveal itself all at once; it will sneak up on us, winning
us over gradually. It starts simply with the designated hitter, grows
with the balk rule, and extends its pernicious tentacles with interleague
play. Yes, evil is a product of Major League Baseball, which is solely
responsible for its contents. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Shun the abomination that is soccer and the wickedness that is the World
Cup! Know that the Lord despises all the world's revelment in pastimes
where players use not their hands, for what are idle hands but the
Devil's playthings? And is it not our holy duty, as God's favored
country, to declaim against that at which we fail, and to abhor those who
would excel? (Brendan Beary)

The president need only look out the Oval Office window to know that
Armageddon is here. For just past the South Lawn, what can he see? A park
ellipse. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Lo, by the side of the road I beheld a shining Red Hand that commanded:
"Don't walk!" Yet rebellious people obeyed it not: They strayed outside
the lines into the paths of horseless chariots. And they were cursed.
After a time, the hand became the brilliant white image of a Being. But
few on the corner could behold this wonder. Most had already crossed over
to the other side. (Michael G. Peck, Alexandria)

Be warned of the "Devil's Handiwork"! For it is Lucifer who makes
bridesmaid dresses -- those purplish abominations that the condemned must
pay hundreds for, wear only once, and keep for an eternity. Why do you
think they call it SATIN? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

And Last: For it was foretold that the great Bringer of Tidings to the
masses shall also devise a source of mocking laughter, wherein a crowned
woman should be called a whore, and which should employ the greatest
number of idle hands to do the Devil's work. And it wouldst do so for six
hundred and sixth-six weeks. And all that the Book didst say has come to
pass. (Ken Gallant, Little Rock)


Next Week: Questionable Journalism , or Jest Ask