Week 669: Huddled Messes


If you are asked, "Do you advocate the overthrow of the U.S. government
by force or violence?" the correct answer is "Violence."

On this week in which we celebrate the freedom of our nation, as the
fireworks shoot high above the Statue of Liberty as she exhorts other
nations to go ahead and keep their storied pomp but give her the wretched
refuse of their teeming shores, we ask you to do your part: Suggest some
bad advice for new arrivals to this country (legal or illegal).

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner up gets, courtesy of Michael Press of North Potomac, the genuine
swim cap pictured here from the Germantown Masters swim team: Nothing
like seeing a giant GERM stick its head out of the water.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 10. Put "Week 669" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published July 30. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
This week's contest, including the example, was suggested by Mark
Eckenwiler of Washington. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station. The Honorable Mentions name is by Ned
Bent of Oak Hill.


Report From Week 665, in which we took suggestions for the 1 millionth word in the English
language, which, according to the algorithms set forth by one Paul JJ
Payack, is 11,032 words away as of June 30 (then again, it also was
11,032 words away on March 21). Just to be imperious, the Empress decreed
that the word had to end in -ion.

Some otherwise good entries turned up
too often on Google, such as "comcastration," getting your cable cut off.

4 Martyration: A request for only 36 virgins in paradise. (Chris Doyle,
Forsyth, Mo.)

3 Espanation: Stupidly adding a vowel at the end of an English word to
try to talk to a Spanish-speaker; e.g., "Which aisle-o has the cerealo?"
(Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta)

2 The winner of the "Brechlinker," the Inker with the Barbie head:

Errudition: Comical misuse of big words. "Madam, your dress looks
positively superfluous on you tonight," he said with amazing errudition.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
And the Winner of the Inker

Percycution: Giving your child a name he will hate for the rest of his
life. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
Fermentions

Achoodication: Trying to determine whether you have to say "bless you"
after someone's second sneeze. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Applicushion: Your fall-back college. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Banglion: The primitive neural structure constituting 90 percent of the
male brain. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Awwdition: A tryout for the Cutest Babies and Puppies Pageant. (Dave
Prevar, Annapolis)

Bossculation: Kissing up to management. (Chris Doyle)

Boysion: A house that looks bigger and more luxurious than it really is.
"The railroad tracks separated the mansions from the boysions."
(Elizabeth Moly?, Falls Church)

Bratisfaction: Stomping your feet until you get your way, and you do.
(Steve McClemons, Arlington)

Cadhesion: The emotional attachment that keeps some women from breaking
up with men who treat them badly. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

Codgertation: A man's realization that with a certain saying, thought or
action, he has turned into his father. (Brendan Beary)

Coitillion: A formal dance at which a debutante really makes her debut.
(Steve Fahey, Kensington; Joseph Romm, Washington)

Dabomination: Something that is hateful in the Lord's eyes, but otherwise
is way awesome. (Brendan Beary)

Delugion: The mistaken impression that the levees would hold. (Steve
Fahey)

Doughnation: The extra item in a baker's dozen. (Tom Witte)

Dreckspansion: Now on washingtonpost.com, even more Style Invitational
entries! (Brendan J. O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan)

Effemination: France. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Emensapation: To free yourself from that circle of pedants comparing
their SAT scores from 30 years ago. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Enamortization: To fall rashly in love with an object or person, and end
up paying for it for the next 20 years. (Brendan Beary)

Esion: The sound of music played backward. "Oh, the White Album played
backward doesn't say 'daed si luaP.' It's just esion." (Steve Langer,
Chevy Chase)

Flabrication: The weight on your driver's license. (Bruce Carlson,
Alexandria)

Flashion: The latest look in trench coats. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

Homo-erection: Anything built by the species Homo erectus, of course .
What else would it be? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Immigaytion: The GOP's two-pronged fear strategy: "It's two, two, two
horrors in one!" (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Indigentrification: That new trailer park and check-cashing outlet on
Foxhall Road. (Chris Doyle)

Infectuation: An obsessive attraction to someone who's going to do you
very wrong. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

Iraqtion: A state of political arousal. Initially pleasurable, but
requires professional attention if the condition lasts more than four
years. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Irkstation: The cubicle right next to yours, with the co-worker who
flosses at his desk. (Tom Witte)

Levistation: A maneuver for putting on tight jeans, in which a woman lies
on her back, lifts her hips and then kicks both legs straight up. (Brad
Alexander)

Liketation: Giving the milk of human kindness. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Maltiplication: The way that "a beer with the guys" becomes two, then
four, then eight . . . (Brendan Beary)

Menschion: The rare acknowledgment of the rare man who doesn't seek
publicity. (Richard Pearlstein, Falls Church)

Mession: What's really been accomplished in Iraq. (Tom Witte)

Miniminion: The bottom banana in an organization; a sycophant's yes-man.
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Oyveycation: A trip back to Brooklyn to visit Aunt Tillie. (Ned Bent, Oak
Hill)

Prevulsion: When you know you're just gonna hate it so much, you can
taste it. (Bruce Carlson)

Preztidigitation: An ability to fool an audience while having absolutely
no sleight of tongue. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Racquisition: Implant surgery. (Nick Curtis, Gaithersburg)

Regattacotillion: A vocabulary word designed solely to discriminate
against minorities on standardized tests. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Regeorgitation: When the vending machine spits back your dollar bill.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Samesextillion: The number of gay marriages we'll have without a
constitutional amendment to ban them. -- P. Robertson (Chris Doyle)

Sintuition: 1. A knack for recognizing women willing to have sex with
you; 2. The cost of a "date" with one of these women. (Dave Kelsey,
Fairfax)

Snubdivision: a gated community created to keep out people like YOU.
(Stephen Dudzik)

Unsurrection: Oh, it's just a few desperate dead-enders setting roadside
bombs. -- D. Rumsfeld, Washington (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

Vachion: The current anti-style rule that your dimensions shouldn't
restrict your clothing choice, e.g., size XXXL hot pink spandex leggings.
(Chris Parkin, Silver Spring)

Weareligion: What sleeves are for. -- B. Frist, Nashville (Kevin Dopart)

Anti-Invitational: Noinkish: Something only slightly amusing. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)

And another Anti-Invitational: Annoi: To irritate the Empress by sending
an Anti-Invitational entry. (Stephen Dudzik)


Next Week: Bedevil Us or Get Your Kicks From Week 666