Week 668: Cut From the Chase


The dog did his business on the hardwood floor -- and realized that this
was one mess that couldn't be swept under the rug!

One of the all-time great Losers, Jean Sorensen of Herndon, wrote to tell
us about one of her family's favorite pastimes, watching "World's Wildest
Police Videos" and the melodramatic narration of its host, retired
sheriff John Bunnell. At the close of each get-the-bad-guy segment, after
the bad guy has been gotten, Bunnell sums up the moral with some colorful
tagline: "This crazed madman used a cellphone while trying to escape the
LAPD," Bunnell intones, "but the only phone he'll be using from now on is
the one at the state pen." Or: "This idiot is going the wrong way down a
one-way street. The cops gave him a one-way ticket -- straight to jail!"
This week: Write an original Bunnell-style wrap-up to a crime story -- or
one for a more minor transgression, such as having too many items in the
express lane. Jean's own example of the latter type accompanies the
cartoon above. Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational
trophy. The first runner-up gets a bottle of lobster-scented (really!)
bath gel by the weird fragrance company Demeter, which also sells eaux de
Funeral Home and Dirt. This fine product was donated by Mark Eckenwiler
of Washington, whom people have been sidling away from lately in the
elevator.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 3. Put "Week 668" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published July 23. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Elden Carnahan of Laurel.
The Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report From Week 664, in which we asked for creative "signature" lines to run at the bottom of
the e-mails sent by 1,000-ink Loser Russell Beland, or anyone else.

After dabbing on that 1,000th blot of Ink four weeks ago, the Empress hit upon
a way to ensure that, for once, her most persistent and pesky contestant
wouldn't have a single winning entry in this contest: She let him judge
it instead. (Oh, settle down: When you get your own 1,000th ink, she'll
let you do it, too.) All the entries were forwarded to Russell, with the
authors' names and other identification replaced with a numerical code.
With a couple of rare, accidental exceptions, he learns today, along with
you, the names of the winners.

4 Ideas in this e-mail are bigger than they appear. (Matt Schaffer,
Nokesville)

3 Caution: E-mails may be monitored by the government and/or my extremely
suspicious wife. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

2 The winner of the enormous comb and pencil from Canada: For Al Gore's
BlackBerry: All the thanks I get for inventing the Internet are Nigerian
scams and penis enlargement ads, only one of which has worked out. (Chuck
Smith, Woodbridge)
And the Winner of the Inker

If you have a freezer, you have a safety deposit box. (Howard Walderman,
Columbia)

Hackolades

This rambling free-association made possible by the amazing substance
known as Play-Doh, which has kept my 2-year-old engaged for the last 20
minutes. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Feel free to bow down to my superior intelligence. (Elaine Chung,
Rockville, and Ramita Dewan, Burtonsville)

Tomorrow's another blog. (Chuck Smith)

Please jihad responsibly. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

You didn't hear this from me. (Gene Brown, Concord, Calif.)

Stop reading e-mails and get back to work, you slacker. (Beth
Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

It is important to realize that each of us has a role in advancing my
future. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

My other signature line isn't stupid. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring)

Writer may be smarter than he appears. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

In lieu of reply, please send cash. (Carol June Hooker, Landover Hills)

This e-mail was lovingly handcrafted from the finest fonts available.
(Stephen Dudzik)

Although I studied Wittgenstein and Chomsky, I will not take unfair
advantage of that to ridicule the many obvious faults in any reply you
may send. (Brad Alexander)

Sending this e-mail does not constitute endorsement of the contests. By
that I mean, if I don't agree with what I wrote, then I can disagree with
it later. (Fil Feit, Annandale)

My fiance snuck into my e-mail account and changed my signature. He's
waiting to see how long it takes me to notice this, so please don't say
anything. (Andy Wardlaw, Burbank, Calif.)

Making the incomprehensible merely hard to figure out. (Cheryl Davis,
Arlington)

Note to NSA: This e-mail does not contain hidden messages to terrorist
groups. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

If you believe you received this e-mail in error, you are sadly mistaken.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Caution: This e-mail may have been sent in haste. If any of its contents
are offensive, inappropriate or inaccurate, it is not my fault, damn it.
(Bill Szymanski, Vienna)

If you have received this e-mail in error, aren't you lucky? (Phyllis
Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

My other PDA is an iPod. (Matt Schaffer)

Damn, e-mail is annoying. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)


Next Week: Your One-in-a-Million, or -ion Bombardment