Week 667: Questionable Journalism


It's really just the two kids I worry about.

In the team sitting-still contest, how do you think your lineup of a lead
paperweight, Francisco Franco and two kids will fare?

Time again for a recurring contest that, if you're anything like the
Empress, will warp your newspaper reading long after the deadline because
you won't be able to stop playing this game: Take any sentence that
appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from now
through June 26 and supply a question it could answer. Please cite the
date and page number of the article you're using (or if you're online,
include that section of the article). The example above is from today's
Ask Amy column.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a half a coffee mug (it's a semi-cylinder) promoting, in
big block letters, the HalfLytely Bowel Prep Kit, courtesy of the fully
prepped Phil Frankenfeld of Washington.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 26. Put "Week 667" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published July 16. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The Honorable Mentions name is by Laurel Gainor of Great Falls. The
Revised Title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.
Correction: We incorrectly reported last week that Mark Eckenwiler was
the first to hound the Empress about a Week 666 contest. Actually, it was
Kevin Dopart, who began the hounding on Nov. 11, 2005, as he proved with
documents that he probably had notarized.

Report From Week 663, in which we asked you to explain pictographs concocted by Invitational
cartoonist Bob Staake.

As expected (and hoped for), the interpretations
were all over the place, although just about everyone wrote in to note
that Picture A was a solar igloo and E signified the Avocado Pit and the
Pendulum.

Click here for a larger version of the pictographs.

4 Picture B: The ball Barry Bonds hit for No. 715 already had the
asterisk printed on it. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

3 Picture C: "See, your chart says that Aquarius is in conjunction with
Motel 8 -- tonight's the night, baby!" (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.; Bill
Moulden, Frederick)

2 Winner of the thinking-chimp sculpture: Picture A: When she noticed
Perry spying down on her suspiciously from the transom, his fiancee threw
her engagement ring back at him, box and all. (Richard Kenney, Vienna)
And the Winner of the Inker

Cartoon D: Madame X awaits the firing squad. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott
City)

B's on the Rorschach Test

Picture A

Just to prove what a great salesman he was, Frank sold and installed a
window air conditioner in an igloo. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Domino's new Pepperoni-and-Post-It-Note pizza tended to go half eaten.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Oh, noooo, Mr. Bill! You shouldn't have tried to peek under the samurai's
skirt! (Michelle Stupak)

Gertrude Ederle swims the English Channel. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

Florida road sign: "Caution: Short, elderly drivers next 218 miles."
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

A Beetle parked two straight nights on a city street. (Deborah Guy,
Columbus)

A West Virginia dental chart. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Picture B

Even in a black hole, you can still use your Cingular cellphone. (Ira
Allen)

Factory-irregular Communion wafers are the biggest seller at that local
religious outlet store, Seconds Coming. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Mr. Butterfly's wild ride ends tragically at the bowling alley. (Kevin
Dopart)

Elton John's contact lens. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

In response to complaints that "Steelers" sounded too negative, this new
logo for the Pittsburgh Petunias was unveiled. (Beth Baniszewski,
Somerville, Mass.)

The Sierra Club rejected as too pessimistic the logo of the butterfly on
the 8-ball. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

CBS executives were dismayed to find remnants of the NBC peacock on an
image from Katie Couric's colonoscopy. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Coffee is usually too old to reheat in the microwave after the mold has
formed an advanced civilization. Or at least give it an extra 10 seconds.
(Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Repeated attempts to use www.googleearth.cn failed to pinpoint the
location of China's Office of Internet Censorship. (Jeffrey Contompasis,
Ashburn)

Picture C

The gurgling rapids made Frosty wish he'd attended to his needs before
attempting the tightrope crossing. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The earliest known proof of baseball yet discovered, this Shawnee
pictograph indicates that a ball will carry to left field at Pittsburgh's
Three Rivers Stadium. (Andrew Hoenig)

No sooner had Calista Flockhart gotten her breast-augmentation surgery
done than she was run over by a truck. (Elden Carnahan)

"As you'll observe, the brush strokes in this work are characteristic of
the Era of the Sevens." (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

The new Adidas lorgnette. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Douglas Frank)

Howls of delight burst forth in a Rehoboth nightclub when the hat and
gloves come off and Mister Peanut administers a mock caning to Gumby and
his two pals. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria)

Patridos Phallos led off the opening ceremonies at Athens Olympics as the
host country's flag bearer. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Picture D

It is extremely rare to die of seasickness on an ocean cruise. But when
you do, they honor you with a green coffin. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

In exchange for agreeing to do "2001," the monolith was promised a chance
to direct. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Donald Trump's plan to do well by doing good: the Your Ad Here Memorial
Ribbon. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Mary was pleased to discover that Jesus's halo conveniently changed color
when his diaper needed attention. (Elizabeth Molyé, Falls Church)

The new, improved High-Water Superdome. (Ben Aronin, White Plains, N.Y.;
Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

These days, Space Invaders always make sure to carry their green cards.
(Hamdi Akar, Broad Run)

My astronomical IQ tells me that an egg with an upside-down antenna in
the middle comes next. -- M. Vos Savant (Jeff Bridgman, Falls Church)

Picture E

The first ultrasound ever taken of a woman's biological clock actually
ticking inside her uterus. (Andrew Hoenig; Betsy Storck, Dayton, Md.)

I have nothing against nudity, but couldn't she do her leg lifts indoors?
(Jay Shuck; Steve Langer, Chevy Chase)

Sen. Barbara Mikulski's favorite dress pattern, originally designed by
Coco Chanel for J. Edgar Hoover. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

The keyhole on a gynecologist's door. (Jeff Brechlin)

Ow! That's supposed to be a rectal thermometer, not a bladder
thermometer! (John O'Byrne)

It's an egg timer, of course. (Russell Beland)

He looked at me with a jaundiced eye . . . (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

In a shortcut to catch up with Honda, GM creates a gas gauge that never
shows Empty. (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

Even before hatching, ostriches are programmed to hide their heads in the
sand. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

All the pictures: An Eskimo woman in an igloo (A) tries to fan (B) her
husband's ardor, which has been flagging (C) of late, in the hope of
getting impregnated (E). These are scenes depicted on the storyboard by
the director's chair (D); the movie is, of course, "Nanookie of the
North." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Next Week: A Thousand Times?! No! or P.S. de Résistance