Week 665: Your One-in-a-Million


Sometime very soon, according to the highly disputed but
good-enough-for-our-purposes calculations of one Paul JJ Payack, the
English language will expand to include its 1 millionth word. Paul JJ has
a Web site called Global Language Monitor and has "devised GLM's
proprietary algorithm, the PQ Index/Indicator, that helps track the
frequency of words and phrases . . . in relation to their frequency of
use and contextual usage." While Paul is a swell algorithm-deviser, even
he doesn't know what that 1 millionth word will be. (Or should have
been.) You do. And you know what its last three letters are. This week:
Coin the millionth word in the English language and define it. The word
must end in -ion. You're welcome to use it in a sentence. It can't be a
redefinition of a well-known existing word; for example, you can't submit
"carrion" and define it as damaged luggage.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. And
first runner-up receives something that even the Empress admits is
better: When Jeff Brechlin of Eagan, Minn., received his second Inker in
the mail, he found that it had been slightly damaged in shipping, i.e.,
shattered into a dozen pieces. So Jeff offered, in exchange for an intact
replacement, to put the broken one back together, with a little
enhancement. Thus: The Brechlinker, Mixed Media (Alabastrite and Malibu
Beach Barbie).

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 12. Put "Week 665" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published July 2. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The
"Brechlinker" name was thought up by Kevin Dopart of Washington. This
subject of this week's contest was brought to the Empress's attention by
Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. The Revised Title for next
week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin. (We're just O'Byrneing up
all over.) The Empress's wardrobe was provided by Village Thrift Stores.

Report From Week 661, in which we sought alternative titles for actual movies -- either
comically long "foreign translation" titles or comically pithy ones, such
as the upcoming says-it-all "Snakes on a Plane."

In general, we got better examples of the latter; we've just mixed them together below.

4 "The Graduate": "Doin' Your Mother's Girlfriend and Your Girlfriend's
Mother" (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

3 "United 93": "Snakes on a Plane" (Dave Brewer, Shoreline, Wash.; Peter
Metrinko, Chantilly)

2 The winner of the aerosol can of Poop Freeze:

"The Ten Commandments": "Elderly Jewish Man Tries to Tell Everyone Else
What to Do" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

And the Winner of the Inker

"Hotel Rwanda": "Hutu: Tutsi, Goodbye!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Straight to DVD

"Tora! Tora! Tora!": "Razing Arizona" (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Bonnie and Clyde": "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang .
. ." (Tom Witte)

"The Passion of the Christ": "Jesus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good,
Very Bad Day" (Matthew McCollum, Los Angeles)

"Life Is Beautiful": "Life May Be Beautiful, but This Here Is a Movie
About the Holocaust" (Heather Trew and Jeff Bridgman, Arlington)

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly": "The Bad, the Very Bad and the Not Only
Bad but Also Ugly" (Russell Beland)

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs": "One Bride for Seven Brothers" (Ira
Allen, Bethesda)

"The Birds": "Meet the Flockers" (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

"Taxi Driver": "Back in the Day When Cabdrivers Were More Normal and
Spoke English" (Judith Cottrill, New York)

"Harold and Maude": "How Many Times Does 20 Go Into 80?" (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

"It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World": "A Series of Harrowing Mishaps Leading to
the Big W" -- N. Pelosi, Washington (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

"Fantastic Voyage": "Here's Looking in You, Kid" (Mary Ann Henningsen,
Hayward, Calif.)

"Animal House": "Beware of Greeks Throwing Food" (Marty McCullen,
Gettysburg, Pa.)

"Field of Dreams": "If You Build It, and Film the Building of It, and Use
Some Post-Production Special Effects to Make an Iowa Cornfield Look
Exciting, They Will Come" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"Deliverance": "The Afting Trip" (Tom Witte)

"A Few Good Men": "Two Overacting Men" (Russell Beland)

"Stalingrad": "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front War" (Peter
Metrinko)

"The Alamo": "Immigration Reform, the Early Days" (Joel Knanishu, Rock
Island, Ill.)

"Jesus Christ Superstar": "The Savior Is Very Talented Musically!"
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

"King Kong": "Furry Animal Finds Stray Girl and Promises to Take Care of
Her" (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

"Shrek": "It Ain't Over Till She's Ogre" (Russell Beland)

"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe": " 'The Passion of the Christ' for
Kids" (Grey Maggiano, Arlington)

"The Aristocrats": "Flying Excrement, Blowholes and Your Sister, Together
at Last" (Jay Shuck)

"The Breakfast Club": "Shouldn't You Kids Be Out of School?" (Brendan
Beary)

"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom": "Indiana Jones and That Terrible
Middle One" (Russell Beland)

"One Million Years B.C.": "Raquel Welch Wears the Skins of Mammals That
Haven't Yet Evolved to Her Bra Size" (Mark Eckenwiler)

"Pretty Woman": "My Favorite Whore" (Tom Witte)

"Pride & Prejudice": "He's Rich and He's Hot: Is There a Problem?" (Jane
Auerbach, Los Angeles)

"Pulp Fiction": "Gratuitous Violence Committed by Various Thugs, Plus a
Really Cool Dance Scene" (Jerilyn Schweitzer, Bethesda)

"Rent": "Eight Thousand One Hundred and Seventeen Seconds" (Nick Curtis,
Gaithersburg)

"Silent Hill": "A Movie That Makes as Little Sense as the Video Game of
the Same Name but Unlike the Game It Won't Cost You $50 and You Can
Finish It in Two Hours" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

"Silkwood": "Whistle on Your Work" (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

"West Side Story": "Death Battle of the Dancing Pretty Boys" (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park)

"The Wizard of Oz": "The Farm Girl's Wild Time With Three Guys and a Dog"
(Rob Kloak, Springfield; Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"Curious George": "Except for Buckingham Palace, Your Best Shot at Seeing
Monkey Ears and Gaudy Yellow Hats" (Jay Shuck)

"Transamerica": "Heather Has a Mom/Dad" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

And Last: "The Maltese Falcon": "Another Much-Sought-After Ugly Little
Statue That Turns Out to Be Worthless" (Brendan Beary)

Next Week: How Low Will You Go? or An Embarrassment of Wretches