Week 664: A Thousand Times?! No!
Last week's Style Invitational marked an astonishing milestone: the
1,000th printed entry by Russell Beland of Springfield. Since he began
entering the Invitational in 1994, Week 73, Russ had racked up 22 wins, a
record 99 runners-up (including a record 26 first-runners-up) and a
record 35 contest ideas, according to the meticulous statistics of
Founding Father Loser Elden Carnahan of Laurel. He now stands almost 200
ink blots above No. 2 in the all-time rankings, Tom Witte of Montgomery
Village.
Russell, a disturbingly high-level official at the Pentagon, essentially
lives The Style Invitational. He loves the horse-name contest so much
that each year he arranges his schedule around it (one year he sent 487
entries); his children are tired of wearing 12 years' worth of Loser
T-Shirts in various colors and designs. He gets the earliest possible
edition of the Sunday Post so he can be the first person on Earth to
e-mail the Empress with a complaint about the judging. Fortunately, Russ
is (well, duh) funny and clever as all get-out: Google his name and you
will get 74,000 hits, most of them Invitational zingers that have been
forwarded through cyberspace.
Courtesy of your tax dollars, Russell carries a BlackBerry, which he
possibly also uses for functions other than submitting contest entries
and berating the Empress. And as you might expect, the "signature" lines
Russell puts at the bottom of his e-mails are probably not like yours.
They have included "Portions of this e-mail may have been translated from
the original Latin" and "Serving Size: One-half message; Servings Per
E-mail: Two." This week: Come up with a new signature line for Russell
Beland's -- or anyone else's -- e-mails.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets an absurdly large comb and pencil brought back from Canada
by Loser Sue Lin Chong.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 5. Put "Week 664" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published June 25. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth,
Mo. The Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett of Alexandria.
Report From Week 660, in which we asked you to take the winning horse names from Week 656 and
"breed" them to produce grand-foals.
(yes, it was Russ Beland's idea): Clever but too often submitted: Mr. Tea
+ Crude Remark = I Pity the Fuel; Four Sunbathers + He's Got Trig = Tan
Gents; and Venus De Milo + The Son Also Rises = A Farewell to Arms.
5 Higher Grounds + Mammareeze = Double Latte (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo,
Australia)
4 The Son Also Rises + Crude Remark = Jesus H Christ (Joseph Romm,
Washington)
3 Love Me Tendon + Crude Remark = In Sinew VIII (sigh ... Russell Beland,
Springfield)
2 The winner of the ball cap with the fake dog do and a bad word: Love Me
Tendon + QB on the DL = Joe Thighsman (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
1
And the Winner of the Inker
Chop Suey + Phileas Blog = Instant MSG (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Had to Put Them Down
Beelzebuddy + Lawyer, Run! = Devil's Advocate (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.;
Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
It Is Now or Never + Ron at Nicole's = Expiration Date (Russell Beland)
Born to Be Wilde + Magic Tar Pit Ride = Oscar Mired (Roy Ashley,
Washington)
Magic Tar Pit Ride + No.1 With a Bullet = Ooze on First (Jane Auerbach,
Los Angeles)
Wiener Takes Oil + Celestial Hominy = Willie Maize (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Chop Suey + No.1 With a Bullet = Bamboo Shoots (Carol June Hooker,
Landover Hills)
Lawyer, Run! + Crude Remark = Crass Action (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Lamé Duck + Fran's List = Snappy Drescher (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
Crude Remark + One Down = How's It Hangin' (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)
To Aries Human + Unix = Needs More RAM (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
Flatt Broke + Mammareeze = Busted (Harvey Smith, McLean; Chris Doyle)
Four Sunbathers + Phillips 666 = Barenaked Hades (Charles Trahan, Jessup)
Four Sunbathers + I'm OK, He's OK = Mellownoma (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis;
Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Four Sunbathers + Thunder Clap = Eight Cross Buns (Drew Bennett,
Alexandria)
Guggenheimlich + TakeTheMonetAndRun = Artychoke (Mark Eckenwiler,
Washington)
Heel Thyself + It Is Now or Never = O Sole Mio (Rick Muenchow, Bethesda)
He's Got Trig + Rob 'Em Myopic = See? Can't. (Seth Brown, North Adams,
Mass.; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Ron at Nicole's + Four Sunbathers = Slash and Burn (Mark Eckenwiler)
Mars Kneads Women + The Son Also Rises = Venus Kneads Men (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village)
Rob 'Em Myopic + Higher Grounds = Blind Man's Bluff (Brad Alexander)
I'm OK, He's OK+ Romeo and Joliet = Do the Okie Pokey (Stephen Dudzik)
I'm OK, He's OK + ASAP Fables = Sooner (Brendan Beary)
Sushi Cue + Beelzebuddy = Fish Styx (Russell Beland)
It Takes a Pillage + Beelzebuddy = BootyAndTheBeast (Chris Doyle)
It Takes a Pillage + Rob 'Em Myopic = Visigoth (Tom Witte)
Mammareeze + Don't Ax Don't Tell = Victoria's Secret (Laura Bennett
Peterson, Washington)
Mars Kneads Women + Don't Ax Don't Tell = Forty WACs (Russell Beland)
17769 + Mr. Tea = Banned in Boston (Mark Eckenwiler)
Oil of Ole + Confidence Game = Picador, Sucker (Jan Brandstetter,
Mechanicsville, Md.)
One Down + Ax Again Later = Where'sMom,Lizzie? (Kevin Dopart, Washington;
Stephen Dudzik; Jeff Covel, Washington)
QB on the DL + Magic CarpetBombing = Vinny & the Jets (Jon Reiser)
It Is Now or Never + Priam Time = Aeneid It Now (Ben Aronin, White
Plains, N.Y.)
Ron at Nicole's + I'm OK, He's OK = I'm Not OK -- He's OJ (Chuck Smith)
Higher Grounds + Mammareeze = Grand Tetons (Mark Eckenwiler)
Ron at Nicole's + Venus de Milo = Glove Doesn't Fit (Harvey Smith)
Student Deferment + Higher Grounds = Save Your Butte (Tom Witte)
Sue Ste. Marie + Four Sunbathers = Canadian Bakin' (Chris Doyle)
Sushi Cue + ASAP Fables = Orient Express (Phyllis Reinhard)
Sushi Cue + Oil of Olé = Toro Toro Toro (Seth Brown; Cheryl White,
Hartsdale, N.Y.)
TakeTheMonetAndRun + Ask Again Later = Here We Gauguin (Steven D. Price,
New York)
TakeTheMonetAndRun + Four Sunbathers = Sandy Claudes (Phyllis Reinhard)
Buy Two Papers + Higher Grounds = One Big Joint (Russell Beland)
Unix + Heel! = Platform Shoes (Kyle Hendrickson)
Unix + 0-1 = NoBallsOneStrike (Pam Sweeney)
Mammareeze + Mr. Tea = Snippple (Tom Witte)
Venus de Milo + Beelzebuddy = Venus De Milosevic (Chris Doyle, Stephen
Dudzik)
Venus de Milo + Born to Be Wheeled = Look Ma, No Hands (Ernie Staples,
Silver Spring; Steve Fahey)
Venus de Milo + Lawyer, Run! = Statue Esq. (Jay Shuck)
And the Oh, But of Course Award for Most Ridiculously Obscure Entry of
the Week: Poindextrose + Celestial Hominy = You're All Wet (See,
Poindextrose: "sugar" = C6H12O6; Celestial Hominy: both "star" and
"starch" = C6H10O5; so C6H12O6minus C6H10O5= H2O = Wet). (Kevin Dopart)
Next Week: Name Any Good Movies Lately? or Unbecoming Attractions