Week 662: How Low Will You Go?
As his entry for the Week 657 contest -- which was to come up with a
creative and funny photo of fruit -- Loser Peter Metrinko submitted the
photo above: It's Fruit of the Loom, get it? Yes, that is a picture of
Peter. Peter lives in the Washington area. His neighbors may well be
looking at this picture at this very moment. Peter is a lawyer. Peter has
two children who attend elementary school with other children. We hope
those other children are nice. This week: Humiliate yourself for ink and
a stupid prize, even more than this man has done. This is a wide-open
contest: You can tell something embarrassing about yourself, you can suck
up to the Empress -- whatever shameful thing you like as long as The Post
will print it. As always, we have to use your real name.
In addition to humiliation, the winner receives the Inker, the official
Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fancy one-liter squeeze
bottle of Hydro Dog dog water. It contains water and three minerals, and
sells for $2.49. As "the Hydro Dog veterinarian" explains on the
product's Web site: "We usually give these fluids via an intro-venous
[sic] catheter. Of course, these animals are usually sick. Your dog is
not! Why shouldn't your dog get these needed fluids now?"
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 22. Put "Week 662" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published June 11. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth,
Mo. The Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett of Alexandria.
Report From Week 658, in which we asked for greeting card ideas that the Hallmark people might
put on their "Funny but No" wall:
4 A child, crushed under the wheel of a bus, cries out: "Don't worry, Ma!
I'm wearing clean ones!" Happy Mother's Day (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
3 Hope You Get Well Soon!
I mean, you're just grossing me out, how disgusting you look and smell
right now. (Judith Cottrill, New York)
2 The winner of the feckless "Energy Ball":
Picture of Sigmund Freud: "I'd wish you a happy Father's Day . . .
[inside] . . . if only I didn't want to kill you and sleep with Mom."
(David Kleinbard, Jersey City)
1 the Winner of the Inker
And this illustration by Bob Staake: (Randy Lee, Burke)
Our Condolences to . . .
[Cover] We Are Saddened by Your Loss
[Inside] Whatever It Was (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
With Appreciation on Secretaries' Day
In gratitude for your lovely attitude and excellent work, I've enclosed
this gift card -- it's so much more fun than stupid old benefits. (Jay
Shuck, Minneapolis)
Sometimes you can't undo what's been done . . . all you can do is admit
the hurt you've caused and say, "I'm sorry."
So get off your high horse and apologize already. (Brendan Beary, Great
Mills)
Congratulations, Graduate!
As you enter the workforce, you should know that all jobs fall into four
categories:
1. Stimulating, but not financially rewarding;
2. Secure, but soul-destroyingly dull;
3. Financially rewarding, but very stressful without being stimulating;
and . . .
(Inside) 4. Somebody else's.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Happy Passover!
[Drawing of door with blood smeared around it] Hope the Angel of Death
skips your house! (Judith Cottrill)
A kid looking at a centerfold: "To the Hottest Mom a Boy Could Wish For."
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Congratulations, College Graduate!
You are so gonna be THE king of Italian Renaissance poetry among all the
baggers at Safeway! (Brendan Beary)
Picture of Abu Ghraib with holiday decorations:
Season's Beatings! (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Congratulations on Your Same-Sex Union
Take comfort that while your souls burn forever in the fires of eternal
damnation, they'll be together. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Since I met you . . .
I'm euphoric
I'm relaxed
I laugh easily
I feel tingly
I am free to just be me
[Inside] Of course, I've also been sniffing paint . . . (Molly Norton,
San Francisco)
Front: Picture of a frustrated guy reloading a gun.
Inside: I keep missing you. (Erik Agard, Gaithersburg)
We'd Make a Great Team!
I've got loose shoes and a warm bathroom.
. . . You can bring the rest. (Kevin Dopart)
Congratulations on Your Retirement
Like a salmon that has swum upstream to its destination, your work is
done . . .
Now, all that's left is to go belly up and die. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria)
Congratulations on Your Promotion!
You're an inspiration to shameless brown-nosers everywhere. (Rob Kloak,
Springfield)
M is for the many times you bailed me
Out of jail, and rustled up some meds,
T is for the therapy that failed me,
H, the hours fending off the feds,
E is for the energy you wasted,
Running ragged while I lounged in bed
Put them all together, they spell "suckehhhh . . . Mother,"
My safety net you'll always be. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
[Cover] A Belated Birthday Wish
[Inside] From Your Conjoined Twin (Chris Doyle)
Next Week: Tell Us a Fib, or Dorkerel