Week 659: Tell Us a Fib


Lord, it's hard to know the truth!
If Judas was good,
Is Satan just misunderstood?

Geeks around the world have been unnaturally excited that this is
National Poetry Month, ever since a Los Angeles writer named Gregory K.
Pincus invited readers of his blog (gottabook.blogspot.com) to write
poems whose syllables per line match the Fibonacci sequence, that
mathematical expresion of nature's elegance. The challenge quickly spread
through the geek network and then the literary network, and then the
geek/literary/potty network of the Losers, specifically Brian Barrett of
New York, to the Empress. This week: Compose a six-line poem with the
following number of syllables per line: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, as in the
example above. In addition, because we are just more demanding here: It
must be about a person or topic currently in the news, and two successive
lines must rhyme.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets two repurposed alcohol-related items: an empty beer bottle
that once contained some of the home-brew of Loser Ben Schwalb of Severna
Park; it is labeled "Divorce Dark: Bitter, Expensive, Lasts for Years";
and (oh my, the Empress is so generous) a promotional plastic martini
shaker labeled "GapBody Bra Bar, Fashion Week, Bryant Park."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 1. Put "Week 659" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published May 21. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives,
are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North
Adams, Mass. The name for the Honorable Mentions is by Mark Eckenwiler of
Washington.

Report From Week 655, in which you were asked to take any article appearing in The Post or on
washingtonpost.com during the week, and use only the words appearing in
it to write your own poem or other funny thing.

This is an enormously time-consuming task, and not surprisingly relatively few readers took us
up on the challenge. Also not surprisingly (because we've had luck with
similar contests before), those who did tended to come up with very good
results.

3 Leyland Chats Up Storm With Writers (Associated Press blog, March 26)

"You, writer, over there. The muscular one. Scratch my behind."

Many of the cactus baseball press grimace when they get their first
hardcore assignment. But some veteran reporters don't care; it's a nice,
grassy area.

"If I would've told them to wash my colon, they would've done it. If it
was my own behind I would've done it myself -- but this was a rental,"
Detroit Tigers Manager Jim Leyland deadpanned. He turns and playfully
sprays reporters with his scent. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

2 The winner of the big black scary welder's helmet:

Embryonic Stem Cell Success: In Mouse Experiment, Cells From Testes Are
Transformed (March 25)

For Males who would indeed New Women be,
So easily are Testes passed from Them;
More difficult for Girls to be a He,
To grow a Staff, to cultivate a Stem.

For Those who a good Stem would still pursue,
A Sperm Cell cloned from Embryos may serve
With added Hormones, Tissues could prove new
(But getting Human Cells requires Nerve.)

Or Organs to transplant one may yet find
Donated by a Human Male most kind.

(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

And the Winner of the Inker

But first, a short quiz:

Q. Why does a retired actuary in Missouri have 15 Inkers -- fifteen! --
and you have none?

A. Because you, smart cookie that you are, would never (No. Sorry.
Never.) have composed each of the following from the words of the article
headlined "Moussaoui Says He Was to Fly 5th Plane" (March 28)

(1) How many lawyers does it take to fly a plane? Two: one to pilot it
and one to make numerous objections to the motion.

(2) In a secret speech to screen writers in London last week, Osama bin
Laden had this to say: "I consider the four best motion pictures in
history to be 'An American in Paris,' 'Going My Way,' 'Airplane' and 'I
Know What You Did Last Summer.' They were extraordinary, you know what
I'm saying?" Later on he asked many questions: "Tell me, is 'Chicago' the
stunning spectacle everybody says it is? I was told the new hit 'Crash'
is really good. Is that right? As crazy as it sounds, even 'Life of
Brian' was fun for me -- a great pleasure, indeed." Who knew?

(3) Airplane and Crash:

What are the only two motion pictures Moussaoui is not allowed to have in
his cell?

(4) You: American, stunning-looking, great lips, looking to get it on.
Me: French man, straight, former pilot, a bit crazy and far-out. Dream
date: Making it in the can on a Paris-to-Miami flight.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth Mo.)

No Shirt, Sherlock

Senate GOP Fears Frist's Ambitions Split Party

He could not build consensus
On divisive border fences.
And what about Dubai?
His own caucus won't comply.
If I were Senator Bill Frist,
I would sure be getting . . . angered.
(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

School Board Seeks Input From Public

Parents and students held meetings to look into putting the Fairfax
County School Board on the moon. The community views the effort a public
service. (Mary Presswood, Alexandria)

Chess column

When Paris mates with the bishop
It will go the way it should:
With a prophylactic ready
(Unprotected is not good.)
And he is resigned to her measures,
But a further defense wants she:
An elegant amber blindfold --
How he does it, she wants not to see.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Fate of Metro Extension, Toll Road Ignites Interest in Unelected Panel

The Highest Authority,
From His glass-walled airport boardroom,
Overlooks the scores of smartly clad commuters.
They are teetering on the edge of disaster,
Crossing the line quickly and efficiently.
"Their agendas, worries and complaints," He said,
"Are, by any standard, the Dulles."
(Alison Franklin, Ellicott City)

Brain Development and Intelligence Linked, Study Says

A federal study reported yesterday that intelligent children appear to
develop brains. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

Rice, Straw Press Iraqis to Forge Unity

Prime Minister Tony Blair Slept in Bed of Straw; to Have Dinner of Rice
and Kurds; Hoped for More (Ken Gallant, Little Rock)

Sins of Commissions

The Bush challenge:
Trying to make Osama
Only a has Bin.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

For Jack's a Jolly Good Fellow!

Opened a kosher deli: Tradition!
Scholar of Talmudic Studies,
Religious on a Friday night: Tradition!
Not your average criminal.
Contributions of a hamster to the Northern Mariana Islands' growing sex
trade.
Well, not so much tradition.
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Senators Back Guest Workers

With bipartisan support, Congress voted to provide a "blue card" for
immigrants who would offer for three years to meet the needs of House and
Senate members. (Brad Alexander)

And Last: Sewage Tested for Signs of Cocaine

Washington Post officials declined to comment on drug use by the Czar,
but did offer this: "He is in the john a lot." (Chris Doyle)

Next Week: It's Post Time, or Do We Not Breed?