Week 658: Not in the Cards


Correction to This Article
In this article, Dave Prevar's Inkling is misidentified.

On an office wall at the headquarters of Hallmark Cards in Kansas City,
according to a recent Associated Press article, there's a big bulletin
board covered with index cards marked "FBN" -- "funny, but no." These
contain the funniest ideas that were ruled over the line even for
Hallmark's mildly edgy Shoebox division. Like the Christmas card
featuring a couple cuddling on the couch with a jolly man in a beard --
and a turban. Woman: "Honey, this Afghan your mom gave us is really
warm!" This week: Send us ideas for cards that would likely be ruled FBN
by Hallmark but F&YYY by the Empress. How far can you go? She wouldn't
have had any problem with the Afghan card, for sure. But she's unlikely
to run those in the realm of the Truly Sick. Results run May 14 --
Mother's Day.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy, and a
copy of the winning card as done up by The Inimitable and Too Funny for
Hallmark Robert T. Staake. First runner-up gets an "Energy Ball" donated
by persistent Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis; it looks just like a
ping-pong ball, except that it produces little flashing red lights and an
irritating noise when you touch little metal strips on it. Sometimes.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions (or whatever they're called this week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 24. Put "Week 658" in the subject
line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are
judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the
property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington
Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next
week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo. The Honorable Mentions
name is by Paul Kocak of Syracuse, N.Y.

Report from Week 654, in which we celebrate Earth Day by suggesting some oh-so-sensible
recycling ideas:

4 Some people throw away their shredded financial records, and I've found
you can make them into challenging jigsaw puzzles. Plus, once you finish
them, you can sell them to this guy I know. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

3 The White House could use the old Iraqi information minister, Mohammed
Saeed al-Sahhaf, to reassure us about winning the war. (Yoyo Zhou,
Cambridge, Mass.)

2 The winner of the stupid card game "Are You Phrazy": Little paper
circles from office hole-punchers could be tossed at newlywed
bureaucrats. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
And the Winner of the Inker

1 Use old prisons as office buildings. It's a nice, secure environment
for employees -- and they have restrooms right in their cubicles. (Dave
Prevar, Annapolis)
Inklings

Fingernail clippings make perfect scimitars for your social studies
diorama about the Crusaders' capture of Edessa in 1097. (Things got a
little heavier for its recapture in 1147, so you'd want to switch to
toenails for that one.) (Russell Beland)

Junked cars could be shipped to Japan so they can be recycled into
well-designed, reliable cars for us to buy. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island,
Ill.)

VCRs make great stepstools for getting on and off the potty. (Jeff Covel,
Arlington)

I wish I could take credit for this one, but how about that person who
thought to paint Styrofoam in pastel colors, mold it into bunnies and
chicks, and sell it as Peeps? Man, that's genius. (Brendan Beary, Great
Mills)

Paperweights made otherwise obsolete are very handy when you need an
object to throw at the computer screen after Windows crashes yet again.
(Marc Naimark, Paris)

Ice sculptures can be melted down in the microwave in practically no time
and turned into delicious, refreshing water. (Russell Beland)

Used tissues make great substitutes for Handi-Wipes. (Irv Shapiro,
Rockville)

When he dies, my uncle wants his body donated to the producers of those
"CSI" shows for use in an autopsy scene so his obituary can include a TV
appearance. (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Those magnetic "Support the Troops" ribbons could be reused to decorate
our troops' body armor. Come to think of it, they would BE our troops'
body armor. (Jay Shuck)

Recycle your chastity ring as an IUD. (Jim Goodyear, Arlington)

Don't let the barbershop keep your trimmed hair. They recycle it for big
bucks, you know. Or let them keep it, and just call that the tip.
(Russell Beland)

Bleach your old coffee grounds and serve them to your Yankee guests as
grits. (Bill Devlin, Front Royal, Va.)

After dredging your chicken pieces or liver in flour for frying, pour the
remaining flour into a plastic bag. Before you know it, you'll have
enough for a yummy batch of cookies. (Jeanie Kunkel, Fairfax)

Gather leather-bound editions of classic Russian novels: "War and Peace,"
"Crime and Punishment," "The Brothers Karamazov." Stack them and drill a
thick hole straight through them to turn the stack into a lamp stand.
Then your eyes won't be so strained when you're watching the reruns on TV
Land. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

That sticky stuff they use on envelopes makes great fake snot. It did at
my last staff meeting, anyway. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Peter
Metrinko, Chantilly)

Send a copy of your new book to Dan Brown. Wait 20 years and . . .
(Michele Puzzanchera, Pittsburgh)

A second baseman can be recycled to any position on the team. I mean,
what's he going to do? -- F. Robinson, Washington (Kuohsien Huang,
Ichikawa, Japan)

Surely those elementary school long-division problems have all been done
many times before, so why continue to create reams of waste paper? Put
them all in a database so kids can just look them up. (Douglas Frank,
Crosby, Tex.)

The shed skin from molted cicadas would make great wonton crackers. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

Hoop earrings could be recycled into hula hoops for mice. They'd have to
appreciate the change of pace from running on that wheel all night. (Lucy
Brennan-Levine, Potomac)

Use airplane barf bags to take your lunch to work. It really cuts down on
intra-office pilferage. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Shoot, I don't see a need to recycle anything. The Earth does that for us
naturally. Leave a 1928 Ford in a bog and in just a few centuries you got
mineral deposits. I got three of them on my place. I also buried a bunch
of old charcoal briquettes and someday I'm going have me a diamond mine.
(Russell Beland)

And Last: Loser magnets work great to cover the holes on a metal
colander. Not the one for your pasta, of course -- I mean the one you
wear as a helmet to shield you from gamma rays from the black
helicopters. (Brendan Beary)

And Also Last: Years ago I could use these nasty photos of the Czar and
some woman to secure some ink in this contest. Now, I find those same
photos are just as useful as nasty pictures of the Empress with some guy.
(Russell Beland)

Next Week: Laughing Inside, or Designed, Concealed and Delivered