Week 655: Laughing Inside


The atmosphere that I create
I ask you now to tolerate:
I think it's just something I ate.

They say everyone has a novel inside him. Well, They of course are full
of it, but They are closer to the truth in the case of newspaper
reporters, who often were lit'ry types in school and then found their
prose in demand only insofar as it told about Wednesday night's sewer
board hearing. Their only recourse: Hide the literature IN the sewer
story. Your job: Find it. This week: Take any article appearing in The
Washington Post or online onhttp://washingtonpost.comfrom today through
April 3 -- the more serious and/or mundane its headline, the better --
and write a funny poem or other passage using only words that appear in
that article. You can change punctuation or capitalization, but not the
letters in the word. You can't use a word twice unless it's in the story
twice. Include the story's date and page number if you are using the
ink-and-paper Post; if you take your story from the Web site, please copy
the article (or the portion you are using) onto your entry, so we can
verify that the words you are using are actually there, and not just
you-wish-were-there. The example above is from today's Ask Amy column.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives the genuine Vader-looking welder's helmet that was
donated by Russell Beland, won by him, then foisted back on us again.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April
3. Include "Week 655" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks
being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited
for taste or content. Results will be published April 23. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte
of Montgomery Village.

Four weeks ago, we asked for more Loserly names for the too-polite
"Honorable Mentions" category. The Empress, being a member of the
two-X-chromosomes part of the population, was taken with several readers'
suggestions that she use various names in rotation. As Loser Paul
Cloutman of London quoted the Dodo (his own name suggestion) from "Alice
in Wonderland": "Everybody has won, and all must have prizes." This
week's heading is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass. He wins a toy germ
donated eons ago by Paul Kondis of Alexandria.

Report From Week 651, in which we asked you to add another character to a book or movie (new
title optional) and describe the resultant plot.

Some Losers just changed
the title and came up with a totally different plot, forgetting the
original characters. They lose, and we don't mean Lose. Just lose.

4 "Fun With Dick and Jane and Raskolnikov": See Spot. See Spot run. Run,
Spot, run. Run, run, run. Run from the howling pangs of guilt that sear
your soul. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

3 The New Testament: Widely considered to be the least talented of the
Thirteen Disciples, Ringo nonetheless lands all the hottest babes. (Pam
Sweeney, Germantown)

2 The winner of the book "The Adventures of Peter Pangler Puncker
'Discovering the Pumping Heart' ": "Harold and the Purple Koran": Harold
uses his crayon to show kids the acceptable way of sketching Muhammad:
Just draw his house and say he's inside.

(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

1 "Moby-Dick and Flipper": After killing the whale that cost him his leg,
Captain Ahab pursues the dolphin that once splashed him at Sea World.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
Not Entirely Devoid of Merit

"Back to the Future": John DeLorean steals his namesake time machine to
persuade his younger self to stay at GM, changing history so the DeLorean
car no longer exists. Doc Brown and Marty McFly instead use a Ford Pinto,
with tragic results. (John Johnston, St. Inigoes)

"Harry Potter": Late in the seventh book Harry learns he has a twin
brother, Larry, who was separated from him at birth. Larry then tells
Harry the story of his life, in extraordinary detail, through a whole new
series of books, movies, action figures and backpacks. (Russell Beland,
Springfield)

"Brokeback Jungle": After Tarzan/Lord Greystoke returns to civilization,
he meets Jane's brother James. Tarzan then experiences feelings he
doesn't fully understand, although he has seen this sort of thing once or
twice back among the bonobos . . . (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

"Cast Away Too": A pair of fishnet stockings washes ashore on the island.
Wilson the volleyball, longing for net, calls them Ginger and Mary Ann.
These three disappear to the other side of the island, leaving the
stranded FedEx engineer to seek solace from Little Buddy Coconut. (Wilson
Varga, Alexandria)

"Make Way for Ducklings": Effete liberals hit the dirt as Dick Cheney
pursues Mrs. Mallard and her family across Boston Common. (Kevin Dopart)

"The Perfect Storm, With Pat Robertson": With the help of his trusty
sidekick God, the Reverend moves a super-typhoon from the North Atlantic
to San Francisco Bay, where they've basically been asking for it.
(Brendan Beary)

Robert Altman's "M*A*S*H": Hawkeye Pierce (Donald Sutherland) is joined
by his TV twin (Alan Alda), who drives down morale at the 4077th with his
self-righteous moralizing about war and sexism. (John Johnston)

"The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse": The Fifth, Willie Shoemaker, comes
up just short in his furious last-minute charge, so the jockeys for the
winning trifecta are Famine, Shoemaker and Pestilence. (Roy Ashley,
Washington)

"Gandhi and Norton": As the Mahatma's assistant, Art Carney spends hours
trying in vain to prepare a simple rice dish. Gandhi finally explodes in
a rage and punches him out. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

"No, Shoot THIS Piano Player": Yanni takes over from Charles Aznavour in
the barroom . . . (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

"Crikey, It's Genesis!": Rugged reptile-taunter Steve Irwin is brought in
by a worried Adam to curb Eve's fascination with a snake. With aplomb,
Steve snares it in a Hessian sack [burlap bag, in the U.S. translation],
thus taking away human guilt. (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North
Yorkshire, England)

"Syriana": John Madden uses the Telestrator to explain the plot. (Bob
Grossman, Columbia)

"Psycho": Things don't go as planned for Norman Bates when he surprises
Janet Leigh and Lou Ferrigno in the shower. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"2001": After HAL has killed all but one of the crew members, a HAL Corp.
tech support staffer finally picks up the phone. (Pam Sweeney)

"Woodstock": That nerdy guy at work, the one who claims to have been at
Woodstock, shows up in a shot of the audience. Well, I'll be. (Russell
Beland)

"Rumplestiltskin": Soon after evil Mr. R dies in a fit of anger, his son
brings suit against the miller's pretty daughter. E. Pierce Stiltskin
seeks the return of $1.5 billion in spun gold and straw, claiming she
exercised undue influence over his father. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax
Station)

"Macbeth": Macduff, Thane of Fife, invites his distant cousin Barney Fife
to help investigate Duncan's murder. It turns out that only Barney can
see Banquo's ghost, who keeps trying in vain to give him hints. (Brad
Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

"One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and Cuddles": A man survives
another day in a Stalinist work camp by talking to an imaginary six-foot
chinchilla. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

"One Fish, Five Thousand Fish": Dr. Seuss adds Jesus to his book. (Peter
Metrinko)

"The Burgundy Letter": Sean Taylor joins the story, spitting on anyone
who disagrees with him. He is forced to wear the letter A, but not for
adultery. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

"The Seven Musketeers": Weary Porthos, Athos and Aramis welcome the fresh
reinforcements. Now they can take on Cardinal Richelieu aided by Tinky
Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

"Thirteen Angry Men": The jurors' anger erupts into gunfire when Yosemite
Sam cain't stand no more infernal yammerin'. (Judith Cottrill, New York)


Next Week: Ask Backwards, or Reverse Ordure