Week 651: Show Us Some Character


Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The eighth dwarf, Sleazy, plants cameras
in the drugged White's room with plans to sell video of Charming's kiss.

The example from inveterate contest-suggester Russell Beland of
Springfield says it all: Add a character to a book or movie and tell us
what happens in it. You can supply a title if you like, and casting
suggestions are welcome.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives the children's book "The Adventures of Peter Pangler
Puncker 'Discovering the Pumping Heart,' " by Walter A. Krymski, who
according to the book is an adult. This blessedly thin work is written
entirely in rhyming couplets, if by rhyming couplets you count "Peter
Pangler Puncker wondered if cars have hearts like humans./He said to
himself, 'Ooh, I'm being silly, these cars are soon to be ruins.' "

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail
tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March
6. Include "Week 651" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks
being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited
for taste or content. Results will be published March 26. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte
of Montgomery Village.

Note: Five-time Loser Stephen Litterst of Ithaca, N.Y., complained to the
Empress that "Honorable Mentions" is a far too polite term to categorize
Losing ink. What would be a better name? E-mail suggestions with the
subject line "Week 651: Honorable Mentions." The winner, if there is one,
gets something dishonorable to be announced later.

Report From Week 647, in which you were asked to either delete text from a sentence in that
week's Post for humorous effect, or insert text from elswhere in the same
article or ad.

Some people sent entries in which they did both; the
Empress was going to toss these imperiously, as is her wont, but then
decided to run a few anyway, especially at the ends of sentences. As is
also her wont. Deletions are in brackets; insertions from another point
in the article or ad are in italics.

4 Publish a LoveNote in The Washington Post on Tuesday, February 14, and
let them know you're [thin]king of them. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

3 The morning after his debut as leading man, Gore pronounces this whole
Sundance thing as his baby, and he felt proprietary about it. (Brad
Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

2 The winner of the 1958 edition of "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of
Etiquette":

Joint Chiefs Fire [at Toles Cartoon] on Strained Army (John Doucette, New
York)
And the Winner of the Inker

1 "March of the Penguins" was joined by "Darwin's Nightmare" [about
environmental collapse; "Murderball,"] a Sundance Film Festival favorite
last year about quadriplegic rugby players . . . (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Honorable Mentions (for now)

University of D.C. Raises Tuition, Stud[ent] Fees (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)

Live in CT, NJ and NY. Void in one of Loudoun County's Finest
Communities! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Someone doctored Sen. Robert C. Byrd's (D-W.Va.) profile on the site to
list his age as 180 (He is 1 88.) (Russell Beland, Springfield)

No one may be more loyal to President Bush than his press secretary,
Scott "Baby Boy" McClellan. (Fil Feit, Annandale)

Residents are accustomed to big booms and bad busts next door to the
Lusty Lady. ( Deborah Guy, Columbus)

Voters are serious about wanting to make sure that their legislators show
up waving money in their faces. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Andrea Bocelli's new CD "Amore" constitutes fraud. Cash value .01c.
(Brendan Beary)

Scratch That: An Examination of Sexual Strategies used by Urban Southern
and Rural Midwestern University Women (Kevin Dopart)

"We were basically meeting a student demand," said Garry Cestaro, program
director of the new phone sex minor. (Russell Beland)

Group Offers $300,000 For Preschool Education of the Fairfax County
Chamber of Commerce (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

"I have to do something -- wiggle -- to make Hasselbeck feel not so
comfortable in the pocket," Porter said. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City,
N.D.)

All of which can mean only one thing: It is time for the Democrats to eat
their own liberal activists including Cindy Sheehan. (Dave Prevar,
Annapolis)

In a heavy pot over medium heat, melt 4 tablespoons of the [butter. Add
the onion and] cook until it is translucent but not brown, about 15
minutes. (Brendan Beary)

Republican leaders said passage was a critical step toward containing the
runaway growth of the poor and the disabled. (Peter Metrinko)

As you make a tricky 2-rail shot it hits you -- This is no ordinary
condom[inium]. (Kevin Dopart)

James Bassil, Editor-in-Chief of AskMen.com, Tops Among Guys, AskMen.com
Reports (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Don't try to oil [it] yourself -- chances are you won't use the right
kind, and even sprayed-on oil will cause belts to slip. (Kyle
Hendrickson, Frederick)

In his State of the Union speech last night, President Bush
single-handedly revived the spirit of special interests that have seized
control of the political process. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

No [Bank Offers You] More Convenience (Brendan Beary)

D.C. Chief Financial Officer Natwar M. Gandhi said yesterday that Mayor
Anthony A . "Cost Overrun" Williams has agreed to alter a new baseball
stadium lease agreement . . . (Russell Beland)

There's a lot of room down there, and there seems to be enough room for
the President's Cup. (Peter Metrinko)

State Department Responds After U.S. Naval Attache Adolf Hitler Is
Ordered Out of Caracas (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Friedan pushed for equal pay, sex-neutral help-wanted ads, maternity
leave, child-care centers for working parents, legal abortion, congestive
heart failure and many other topics considered radical in the 1960s and
1970s. (Russell Beland)

The hurricane scattered chops, cabbage, neck bones, turnips and New
Orleans jazz musicians across the country; two-thirds have still not
returned. (Brendan Beary)

What's it like watching a game at the Playboy Mansion? You're screwed for
the rest of the game. (Kevin Dopart)

Once, he hauled a portable toilet into the county board's chambers to
illustrate -- but only so far -- a point about sewage treatment. (Brendan
Beary)

NASA's Inspector General Probed by Cobb (Cecil J. Clark)

Rice Rules [Out Aiding] Hamas Government (Louis B. Raffel, Northbrook,
Ill.)

Eighty-two-year-old Abe Pollin just plain stunk up the gym. (Peter
Metrinko)

Eager beaver Loser Kevin Dopart, Russell Beland, employees of The
Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for
prizes. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Next Week: Caller IDiot, or Hotline and Sinker