Week 650: King Us


Double-A. . . . What if batteries are angry about being thrown away? What
if a supernatural demonic being from another dimension gave the batteries
the power of revenge? Remember, they're full of deadly acid.

This week's contest comes to us through a string of big-deal writers: BDW
No. 1, Stephen King, has just come out with a horror novel, his 967th:
It's called "Cell" and is about, what else, murderous cell phones. BDW
No. 2, Gregg Easterbrook, author, columnist, Brookings Institution
fellow, general uomo universale, mentioned King's book in the middle of
his (go figure) online football column, Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Then
he came up with several devilishly clever scenarios for Stephen King
novels featuring everyday items, as in his own example above. Loser
Andrew Hoenig of Rockville (well, to us he's a BD) told the Empress about
it.

So now it's your turn: Give us a scenario for a horror novel based on an
everyday item. Maximum 75 words but it can be much shorter.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a tube of Boudreaux's Butt Paste and a Butt Paste
bobblehead, smuggled out of Louisiana pre-Katrina by Loser Deborah Guy of
Columbus, Ohio.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 27.
Include "Week 650" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All entries
become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results will be published March 19. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte
of Montgomery Village.

Report From Week 646, in which we asked how two different people or groups would interpret any
of these cartoons

A lot of Losers evidently interpreted all of them as
an impossibility; even the original suggester of this contest, the
Invitationally pathological Russell Beland, sent a grand total of seven
entries (one submitted jointly with his kid), a bit shy of his
Invitational weekly record of 487. But enough of you were able to extract
meaning from utter nonsense; your seminar in Deconstructive Literary
Analysis of "Good Morning Starshine" starts Monday.

4 A woman would say that the guy is calling for a woman to clean up his
mess. A man would say that this dork doesn't seem to know about the
five-second rule about dropped food. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

3 To a human, it's bad luck. To a dog, it's effective use of
psychokinesis. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

2 the winner of the Eggbutt Horseball: The average clergyman says: "Every
life has some disappointments." Pat Robertson says: "Look, Vermont was
the first state to offer civil unions. Ben & Jerry's is from Vermont.
Just connect the dots here, and I think you know what I'm saying: God
will not be mocked." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
And the Winner of the Inker

1 This reminds King Kong: "Next time, swat at the planes with the hand
without the girl in it." This reminds Fay Wray and Naomi Watts: "Always
wear clean underwear -- you never know when half of Manhattan will be
looking up your skirt." (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Honorable Mentions

Cartoon A

To a union organizer, this is a man to be for. To a sex-change surgeon,
this is Amanda, Before. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

To a business major: A summer job that not only provides some money but
also gives real-life experience that looks good on a résumé. To a
philosophy major: A career. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

To the Office of the Surgeon General: The three most common threats to
life expectancy: genetic (obesity), environmental (carcinogenic chemicals
from smoking) and accidental (unsafe workplace). To the Social Security
Administration: Our master plan. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

To a boss, this guy is going to be fired for smoking on the job and
trying to destroy the evidence in the oven. To a shrink, he's orally
fixated, as evidenced by his obvious overeating and his need to always
have something in his mouth, a result of his being breast-fed by his
mother until he was 15. (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Unions see a food-service worker, with no safety equipment, exposed to a
dangerous oven. Right-to-work advocates see clear evidence that even
minimum-wage workers aren't missing meals. (Adam and Russell Beland,
Springfield)

Cartoon B

An AARP executive sees a senior frustrated by the new Medicare
prescription rules. A pharmaceutical executive sees an ED patient whose
Canadian-filled prescription increased blood flow to his foot. (Wilson
Varga, Alexandria)

To a man: "She's always losing the key to the safe-deposit box." To a
woman: "Even my mother's ashes he doesn't treat nice." (John O'Byrne,
Dublin)

USA Today: "We're Loving Step Aerobics." Weekly World News: "Alien
Tortures Al Gore Clone!" The New York Times: "Deconstructing Putin's
Khrushchev-Style Diplomacy." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

A kid would say: "Look, a crazy old coot in his underwear." An AARP
member would say: "In our day, we didn't have those fancy Hacky Sacks, we
just had a brick, and we just pushed it along the floor with our feet.
And we were happy to have that! Now you danged hooligans get off my
lawn!" (Brendan Beary)

To a morning person: Someone getting up bright and early to shine his
shoes. To an evening person: Someone destroying once and for all the evil
that is the Radio Alarm Clock. (Art Grinath)

Producers for "Nova" say: "If we're doing a show on mental illness among
the elderly, be sure to preserve the guy's dignity." Producers for David
Letterman say: "Brick-kicking isn't much by itself, but we might still
get you on Stupid Human Tricks if you could, say, knock the ice cream
cone out of that Picture D guy's hand." (Brendan Beary)

To a grade-school art teacher, this cartoon lacks proper perspective,
dimension and proportion. To the correspondence course that advertises in
the back of Popular Mechanics, this shows that Bob Staake, too, could one
day be a professional artist! (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

Cartoon C

To a middle manager, this shows you can't get away from the office. To a
TV watcher, this shows you can't get away from Carrot Top. (Jay Shuck)

A man: "She's always late because she won't get off the freakin' phone."
A woman: "He never waits for me." (John O'Byrne)

Tobacco lobbyist: "Guess what? They have a smoking section again!"
Telemarketer: "Use your long- distance calling plan for instantly
redeemable frequent-flier miles!" (Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)

A doctor sees a dislocated shoulder, altitude sickness and frostbite. A
lawyer sees big bucks over a phone that should have been labeled "Do Not
Use While Wing-Walking." (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Cartoon D

A Republican sees a Democrat who's just let one more sweet opportunity
slip out of his hands. A reporter sees a congressman who's just been told
that Jack Abramoff bought him that ice cream cone. (Barbara Turner,
Takoma Park; Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

To viewers of "The Jack Benny Show": Just another of life's comic
indignities. To viewers of "CSI": Madonna's been buried in a shallow
grave! (Elwood Fitzner)

To Dorothy, it is a painful reminder of the litigation filed after she
threw water on the Wicked Witch; to the Witch Witch, it's proof that she
should have put her money into waterproof fabrics instead of high-priced
attorneys. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

All the cartoons

To Pat Robertson, all the cartoons show God punishing liberal Americans
for their sins. To George W. Bush, all the cartoons show convincing
evidence of the need to continue occupying Iraq. ( Dan Seidman,
Watertown, Mass.)

Next Week: Paste Imperfect , or Let's Make a Dele