Week 645: A Hearty Har Har


We ladies strained our tickers
When we saw you in your knickers.
Please be my only sweetie,
Saddam Hussein Al-Tikriti.

Some people -- even your evil-barbarian types -- could use a little love
on Valentine's Day. This week, write up a Valentine's sentiment to any
personage, or to someone in some generic category -- "to my plumber," for
example. It doesn't have to rhyme, but don't write a book, please.

The winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives one shiny metallic-silver leather Converse All-Star
sneaker (left foot). It would go especially well with a dirty, worn-out
black or white canvas Chuck on the right foot.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail
tolosers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan.
23. Include "Week 645" in the subject line of your e-mail or it risks
being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited
for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 12. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil
Frankenfeld of Washington.

Report From Week 641, in which the Empress asked for the names of fictional establishments that
offered two or more diverse products or services.

Warning: This is one of those Look Out, Groaner Puns Below weeks. If you don't like groaner puns,
please turn to the obituary page, where there shouldn't be more than two
or three of them. Several people sent in examples of actual multi-tasking
establishments: Bill Moulden of Frederick told of a paint store in West
Virginia that also sold religious books called, he swears on a stack of
religious books, Spray & Pray. And Chuck Sims of Chevy Chase sent in
a photo of a store in Bethesda whose sign declares: "Welcome to US
Center: Hair -- Nails -- Gifts -- Mortgages." (Special bonus contest:
Tell us the best name or slogan for that store. Winner gets a Loser Pen
and some wax lips.)

4 Petting zoo and bellsmith: A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong (Elliott Schiff,
Allentown, Pa.)

3 Secondhand clothes and S&M paraphernalia: Schmattes/A Whip (Chris
Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

2 Winner of the CitiKitty cat toilet-trainer: Donuts and Jacuzzis:
Beignet and the Jets (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

1 And the winner of the Inker

Cooking institute and journalism school: Baste On! A True Story (Jane
Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Honorable Mentions

A frozen-treat and mascara booth: Custards/Lash Stand (Russell Beland,
Springfield)

Anger management counselors and fertility clinic: Ovary Action: for
holding your patience when your in-laws keep asking for grandchildren.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Optician/cleaners/shoe store: See, Spot, Run (Jennifer Lynch, Waco, Tex.)

Fireplace accessories/VD clinic: The Burning Sensation (Elwood Fitzner,
Valley City, N.D.)

Doors at a delousing center/oyster farm: Nit: 1; Pearl: 2 (Chris Doyle)

Optometry and psychiatry clinic: Out of Sight, Out of Mind (Phyllis
Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Yoga and Bible study classes: Stretch/The Truth (Michelle Stupak,
Ellicott City)

Lawyer and jeweler: The Pre-Trial Earring (Brendan Beary)

A Firestone dealer that also sells birthday candles: Just Blowouts
(Russell Beland)

Army recruitment office/hair salon: Cut the Mustered (Jane Auerbach)

Laundromat that also sells exercise equipment, marital aids and acne
cream: Washing/Tone/Wed/Skins (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Bathroom fixtures, upper level; shoe outlet downstairs: Heads Over Heels
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Art supply store and police station: Brushes With the Law: Sure, buddy,
everybody complains how they were framed. (Brendan Beary)

Singles bar and doughnut shop: A Toroid Affair (Douglas Frank, Crosby,
Tex.)

Bar/hair salon: Quaff and Coif. (Andrea Balinson, New York)

French ad agency/lingerie shop: L'Ads and l'Asses (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

A bordello that sells philosophy books and natural medicines:
Kant/Herbery/Tails (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Boating equipment and bath wear: Where the Rudder Meets the Robe (Chris
Doyle)

Concert hall and latte bar: Bach and Froth (Michelle Stupak)

Southern Baptist church and Longaberger store: Hell & a Handbasket (Dave
Prevar, Annapolis)

Florist and wireless phone service: Stem Cells (Brenda Ware Jones,
Jackson, Miss.)

A store that sells Harry Potter and Simpsons stuff: Rowling & D'oh
(Russell Beland)

Trash hauler and collection agency: Bin There, Dun That (Brendan Beary)

Karate classes and footwear sales: Chop Shoey (Tim Tweddell, Berkeley
Springs, W.Va.)

An international emporium consisting of an Indian dress shop, Japanese
theater and French hairstylist: Sari, Noh, Cannes Do. (Chris Doyle)

Fishing tackle and S&M equipment: Ye Olde Bait & Switch Co. (Gail
Mackiernan, Silver Spring; Lynn White, McLean)

Rental agency/Chinese restaurant: Condo Lease or Rice (Jay Shuck,
Minneapolis)

Chiropractor/aviation instruction: Straighten Up & Fly Right (Douglas
Frank)

Internet cafe/gentlemen's club: Laptops Inc. (Herb Greene, Catonsville,
Md.)

A turkey farm and auto-detailing service: Gobble/Degook (Chris Doyle)

BBQ stand and clock store: The Pit and the Pendulum (Kyle Hendrickson,
Frederick)

Laundry/Jamaican restaurant: Clean and Jerk (Seth Brown, North Adams,
Mass.)

CDs, diarrhea remedies and sex toys: Hits, Runs and Eros (Jack Held,
Fairfax)

Religious articles and costumes: Blessings and Disguise (Kevin Dopart)

Obstetrician/bakery: Buns in the Oven (Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

Bread, Bass and Beyond: Serving loaves, fishes and a prayer with every
food order. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Massage therapist and urologist: Touch and Go (Michelle Stupak)

Bookkeeper and roofer: Add 'Em and Eave (Chris Doyle)

Chiropractor and corner bar: The Spinal Tap: One way or another, you'll
be feeling no pain. (Brendan Beary)

Pet groomer and barbershop: Cat/Man Do (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville)

Gym and menstrual supply store: Ab and Flow (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village)

Flophouse with a CD writer: Crash and Burn (Russell Beland)

An art gallery that offers classes in smoking control and yoga: Stop,
Look and Lissome (Douglas Frank)

Anesthesiology supplies and canoe rentals: Ether/Oar (Chris Doyle)

Farmers' retirement home with a dental clinic: Ex-Tractors (Roy Ashley)

Next Week: It's Open Season, or The Wizards of O-S