Week 639: What's The Small Idea?


Set up a National Fruitcake Eaters Registry to make it easier to re-gift
the brick you get for Christmas.

The public-spirited folks at the Service Employees International Union
are sponsoring a contest with a grand prize of $100,000: "We're looking
for fresh, new ideas for a better America. Do you have a common-sense
idea that will improve the day-to-day lives of everyday Americans?"

The puerile-spirited folks at The Style Invitational are sponsoring a
contest with a grand prize of half a set of bookends with a bag over its
head: We're looking for funny stuff to put on Page D2 of The Washington
Post. Do you have a senseless idea for improving the day-to-day lives of
everyday Americans?

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives, via Loser Dave Prevar of Annapolis, a bottle of
Genuine Gold from Colorado. That would be gold flakes suspended in
liquid, with a little prospector charm atop the bottle cap. They are,
well, shiny.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail
tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312.
Deadline is Monday, Dec. 12. Put "Week 639" in the subject line of your
e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal
address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor
and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published
Jan. 1. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post,
and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous
entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested by
several people; the example is by Russell Beland of Springfield. The
revised title for next week's contest is by John O'Byrne of Dublin.

Report From Week 635, in which the Empress masochistically invited people to send in entries
for any of her previous 99 contests (they could refer to later events).

Not surprisingly, it was the perennial Losers who went to town on this
one.

4 Week 612, No. 102 on a list of 101 things:

101 Ways to Stop Global Warming No. 102: Blow on the ground. (Martin
Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

3 Week 625, new plots for real movie titles: "Jumpin' Jack Flash":
Hidden-camera footage of too-revealing calisthenics at the fitness club.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

2 The winner of the Monopoly rip-off game Washington in a Box: Week 608,
retorts:

Q. Are you fishing? A. No, I'm walking my pet lake. (Eric Murphy, Ann
Arbor, Mich.)
1 And the winner of the Inker:

Week 629, "marriages":

If Anouk Aimee married Norman Lear, Rick Dees and John Jacob Astor, we'd
surely have Anouk Lear Dees Astor. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
A Chronicle of Honorable Mentions

Week 539, poems about notables who died in 2003: I mourn the death of
Spectacular Bid/Each time I open a dog food lid. (Brendan Beary)

Week 540, historical events as pairs of puns: 411 B.C.: Aristophanes
writes "Lysistrata": Sex and the City-State, or No Hits, No Runs, No
Eros. (Chris Doyle)

Week 545, spell a word backward and define the result: Oedor: The mixed
scent of broncos, bulls, cowboys and fear. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Le Guk: An unsuccessful brand of noodle pudding. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Week 546, combine two or more U.S. towns in a "joint venture": The Phenix
(Va.) - Pittsburg (N.H.) J. Danforth Quayle Center for Academic
Excellense (Russell Beland., Springfield)

The Youngblood (Ala.) Coeur d'Alene (Idaho) Screamer (Tenn.) Horror Movie
Hall of Fame (Brendan Beary)

Week 547, the good and bad of corporate names: Big Red Gum is a good name
for chewing gum but a bad name for a periodontal clinic. (Russell Beland)

No Nonsense Sheer Endurance is a good name for pantyhose but a bad name
for an escort service. (Brendan Beary)

Week 548, what celebrities did as children: Johnny Cameron Swayze smashed
his father's watch with a hammer and, boy, did he get a licking. (Roy
Ashley)

Week 568, groaner puns on book titles: What do Yellowstone rangers call a
first-time hiker? Bear Food in the Park. (Chris Doyle)

What did they call the booby prize at the casserole cook-off? The Winner
of Our Dish Contempt. (Chris Doyle)

Week 571, invent a word containing, adjacently, T, H, E and S:
Chesticles: Mammaries. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

Week 577, plays on TV show titles: Fear Factorial: Not just fear, but
fear! (Tom Greening, North Bethesda)

Husseinfeld: A sitcom about a dictator who hangs out with three annoying,
neurotic people for nine years, then has them shot. (Ben Schwalb)

Week 579, alter the title of a TV show: The Young and the Wristless: Life
in a Saudi reform school. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Weeks 589 and 628, combine the beginning and end of two words in that
week's Invitational: Strad-buster: His new nickname summed up why Pete
Townshend's second career as a concert violinist met a quick end. (Pam
Sweeney, Germantown)

Ma-spective, pa-spective, gram-spective: "No, because I said so": "Okay,
but don't get arrested"; "Here, honey, eat something." (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)

Week 595, define a hyphenated heading on a page of a phone book:
Child-Chimney: Vulgarism for the birth canal. (Deborah Guy, Columbus,
Ohio)

Fireplace-Fishing: This week on "America's Stupidest Hobbies." (Ben
Schwalb)

Week 598, names for rooms at particular places: Restroom at a tech
support center: Nature Calls (average wait time: 72 minutes) (Pam Sweeney)

Week 602, change a word beginning with A, B, C or D by one letter and
redefine it: Argoyles: really ugly socks. (Michelle Stupak)

Debaucherry: one's first orgy. (Tom Witte)

Commandot: a telltale sign that someone isn't wearing underwear. (Tom
Witte)

Week 612, No. 102 of a list of 101 items: 101 Rules for Dressing for
Success No. 102: Be sure your lipstick matches the shade of your snake
tattoo. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

101 Tools for Husbands to Help Their Wives No. 102: the orchid whacker.
(Roy Ashley)

Week 615, announcements for the Independence Air comic to make: Good
news! Bank of America has just approved a short-term loan, so we'll be
flying with a full tank of fuel on this leg of the trip. We'll keep you
informed if that changes. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Week 617, write about someone using only the letters in his name:
Anderson Cooper: N.O. is a pond! CNN's pop poser scoops peers, addresses
errors, recaps needs. Dons a cape and ascends onscreen. . . . Poor Aaron.
(Michele Puzzanchera, Pittsburgh)

Week 620, Ways to increase Post readership: Invent a rumor that the
city's competing paper is owned by a right-wing religious cult. (Russell
Beland)

Week 622, a new amendment to the Constitution containing only words from
the original: The President shall appoint a citizen to limit immediate
danger caused by nature to any State. This person shall be chosen for his
payment to the President or Vice President, or by contributing to the
list of all persons who voted for the President, and shall not have any
other qualification. (Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Week 625, new plots for real movie titles: " 9 to 5": A woman adjusts to
life with her, um, less substantial second husband. (Tom Witte)

Week 629, comical marriages or other unions: If Dee Wallace-Stone married
Eric Carmen, Rob Lowe, Cornel West, John Dean, Mark Harmon and Ralph
Nader, she'd be Dee Lowe West Carmen Dean Harmon Nader. (Chris Doyle)

If Dick Van Dyke married Lorena Bobbitt, you'd have Van Dyke. (Seth
Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Week 632, backronyms: Speed Stick: Seriously, People, Employ [Expletive]
Deodorant! Stench That Indecent Could Kill! (Jonathan Guberman,
Princeton, N.J.)

Viagra: Verifiably Increases A Gent's Recreational Amplitude (Phil
Frankenfeld, Washington)

NASA: Not All Shuttles Arrive (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)

Next Week: A Song From Tex Arcana, or Compose Mentis