Week 635: I've Told You a Hundred Times


As of today, the Empress is 100 weeks older than when she effected a
little regime change and tossed that little ol' Czar aside. Since then,
Loser magnets have replaced Loser bumper stickers, and maybe there have
been fewer toilet jokes. But one thing is constant: Every week, someone
or other gripes that his obviously superior entry was overlooked. Thi s
week's contest: Enter any Style Invitational from Week 536 to Week 631
(the Style Invitational Web page on washingtonpost.com includes links
back to Week 599, which is enough for any sane person). Your entry,
either one previously submitted or a new one, must be substantially
different from the original winners. It may refer to events that occurred
after the original contest appeared. Because of space limitations,
shorter-form entries are more likely to get ink than long ones such as
song parodies.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets, discourtesy of Beth Martin of Fairfax, a board game
called Washington in a Box, presumably because its creators forgot to
name it Total Ripoff of Monopoly. It is very colorful, however, and
features various Washington landmarks and the Lincoln Memorial, Capitol
dome, etc., as tokens.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail
tolosers@washpost.comor, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312.
Deadline is Monday, Nov. 14. Put "Week 635" in the subject line of your
e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal
address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on humor
and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published
Dec. 4. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post,
and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous
entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest
is by Jesse Frankovich of Lansing, Mich.

Report from Week 631, in which we asked you to explain these cartoons.

We don't think Bob Staake had "Farrah Faucet" in mind when he drew Cartoon B, but that's
what occurred to everyone else. First, a correction: The winning entry
for Week 630, printed last Sunday, had also been submitted by Chris Doyle
of Forsyth, Mo., as No. 45 in a list of 55 entries. Poor Chris was
credited only with First Runner-Up (for No. 17).

4 Cartoon B: Though shareholders applauded the Victoria's
Secret-Restoration Hardware merger, some Tysons Corner shoppers were put
off by the new window display.

(Alison Kamat, Reston)

3 Cartoon D: At the NBA reception, Shaq is served up one more canape.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

2 Cartoon C: Winner of the "Field Guide to the First Ladies": Reflecting
the shift in American demographics, Tootsie Roll adjusted its serving
size . (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

1 And the winner of the Inker

Cartoon D: When W asked if the Delta could be raised to prevent flooding,
Brownie said, "No problem!" (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
Honorable Mentions

Cartoon A

Frank wondered how long his blow-up doll's mother was going to visit .
(Fil Feit, Annandale)

Let out her air, Blair: The 51st way to leave your lover. (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)

Doesn't anything come with an instruction manual anymore? (Martin
Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

It's the same old story: You get married and your wife makes you throw
out your stuff. (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

Crew members continue to clean out debris from the Minnesota Vikings'
lake cruise. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

The estate of the late, great Lucille
Made an unseemly marketing deal
When they licensed a doll
That's not likely at all
To turn up in your next Happy Meal. (Russ Cooper, Phoenix)

Cartoon B

Fashion takes a turn for the worse in Montgomery County after smokers are
required to keep fire extinguishers on their persons at all times. (Kyle
Hendrickson, Frederick)

The Franklin Mint proudly announces its newest collectible, "Martha
Stewart in the Jug." (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Another fiendish right-wing plot to control a woman's right to ooze.
(Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

Dodging the paparazzi, Kate Moss hides inside her bong. (Bird Waring, New
York)

When Chloe opted for breast reduction surgery, she didn't count on all of
her tank tops falling down. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City; Russell
Beland, Springfield)

Cartoon C

Yolanda's hopes of anthropological fame and fortune would be dashed when
experts disputed her claim to have found the Missing Link. (Mark
Eckenwiler; Kate Sternberg, Reston)

Some consumers failed to notice the drawback to the once-a-year birth
control pill. (James Noble, Lexington Park)

"Hey, good deal on baby panda sausage!" (Jonathan Guberman, Princeton,
N.J.)

She had never heard of Soylent Green, but since it was 75 percent off
with a savings card . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

The new, improved Ball Park Franks, marinated "in the clear." (Mel
Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

A Hollywood memorabilia collector quickly spots Minnie Pearl's headrest.
(Russell Beland)

Cartoon D

The centerfold editor of Abstract Monthly checks the proofs of Miss May.
(Sue Richardson, Somerville, Va.)

Examining an X-ray of the package that arrived at the White House in
plain brown paper, the Secret Service discovers it's only the president's
new Speedo. (Jeff Covel, Arlington)

An event organizer displays the traditional welcoming sign for the
Association of Gay Airline Pilots. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

All Wolfowitz needed was a square peg, and the Iraq war plan would be
complete. (Brian Barrett, New York)

Proud to have finally come out of the closet, George tries to get a pink
triangle sunburn on his forehead . (Ted Weitzman, Olney)

After doing time for kiting checks, Ed enters a work-release program with
a job checking kites. (Brendan Beary)

Cartoon E

"I done run into John Barleycorn 'fore payin' my Uncle Sam . . ." (Phil
Frankenfeld, Washington)

The Teamsters convention wasn't too happy with Banjo Bob's right-to-work
folk songs, but at least they paid him. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

Bono's band mates didn't take it well when the IRS persuaded him to
change the group's name. (Brian Barrett; Bruce Evans, Arlington)

Maybe he shouldn't have told the tax man that he sure had a purty mouth.
(Art Grinath)

Flattened Scruggs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

And all five:

A is for Anger, which Al has to spare,
For love is Apparently not in the Air.

B is for Beatniks, not very Becoming,
Like Bess, who's not Bashful to show you her plumbing.

C's a Colossal Corned beef from the deli;
A Cinch to Consume for bulimics like Ellie.

D is for Drawings of Deltas in red,
Which Don, the big Dolt, likes to Drop on his head.

E's Education: now Erv has just learned
What the feds do to those who misstate what they've Earned.

(If primers like this make you sputter and spout,
Be glad the F picture was edited out.) (Brendan Beary)

Next Week: Live On, Sweet, Earnest Reader, or Print Our Style Tripe