Week 634: Mess With Our Heads


Sex-Ed Panel's Makeup Is Challenged

Members' Messy Mascara 'Looks Like They Just Got Out of Bed,' Critics
Charge

This week's contest: It's time again for one of the Empress's favorite
pastimes, Making Losers Read The Washington Post. Take any headline,
verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from
today through next Sunday, and change its meaning by adding either a
"bank headline," or subtitle (like the joke bank head under the actual
Oct. 16 headline above), or the first sentence of the article that might
appear under it. Please include the date and page number of the headline
you're citing from the paper; for Web articles, give the date and copy a
sentence or two of the story so it's clear what the original was about.
Headlines in advertisements and subheads within an article can be used,
too; photo captions cannot.

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets, via Dave Zarrow of Herndon, a longtime Loser who bills
himself as "America's Funniest Office Products Dealer" (motto: "We Eat
Staples for Breakfast"), a genuine Pickle Putter, which is a real,
full-size golf putter with a green pickle-shaped head on the side away
from the ball. This is not just any old Pickle Putter, however. This is
an exclusive club: It's from the Edward Lowe Industries Pickle Barrel
Invitational, in Cape Girardeau, Mo. The late Mr. Lowe was the inventor
of Kitty Litter, see. You don't see. Neither do we. But it's a
fantabulous prize.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com , or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312.
Deadline is Monday, Nov. 7. Results will be published Nov. 27. Put "Week
634" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as
spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries
become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The
Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for
prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for
next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills.

Report from Week 630, in which we asked you to make up a word that
combines the beginning and end of any two multisyllabic words appearing
in that week's Invitational.

Third runner-up: Lusted x deadline = Lust-line: The imaginary visual
horizon below which no man's eyes should stray when he's talking with a
female co-worker. (B.J. Alexander, Minneapolis)

Second runner-up: Queuing x reality = Queu-ty: The blonde who's always
allowed to cut into a line. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

First runner-up, winner of the CD of Cuban-style Beatles songs, "Here
Comes El Son": Ouija x any: Oui-ny: Un nerde. (Chris Doyle, Tokyo)

And the winner of the Inker: Currently x converse = Cur-verse: Doggerel.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Honorable Mentions:

De-pective: In need of chest implants. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Gram-stand: To brag excessively about one's grandchildren. (Pam Sweeney,
Germantown)

Ho-am: A competition for dilettante st r eetwalkers to vie with
professional prostitutes for business. (Jeff Covel, Arlington)

Pub-scriptions: The original over-the-counter medications. (Kyle
Hendrickson, Frederick)

Infor-less: Describing a convict who worked out a plea bargain. (Fred
Dawson, Beltsville)

Affirma-bottom: What you'll have afta some more time on the StairMasta.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Carb-ule: The largest amount of non-protein allowed on the Atkins diet.
(Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Mech-ymous: A windup Disney character. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Contemp-teristics: Things I hate about you. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Lust-mit: What Jimmy Carter did in his Playboy interview confession.
(Michelle Stupak)

Ho-job: A trade or profession in which one must degrade himself in
exchange for money. Antonym: unemployment. (Phil Battey, Alexandria)

Posteri-mining: Searching for the lost thong. (Pam Sweeney)

Judg-lines: The eye makeup used by certain Supreme Court nominees. (Peter
Metrinko, Chantilly)

Appropri-nastics: Maneuvers used to tack a pork barrel amendment onto
unrelated legislation. (Pam Sweeney)

Annan-ymous: An unidentified U.N. official in the Oil for Food scandal.
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Theo-quatic: Baptist. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

Semi-bon: One-fourth of a bonbon. (Pam Sweeney)

Num-bottom: A long and boring meeting. "I've got an all-day num-bottom on
process standardization." (Brendan Beary; Phil Battey)

Oui-ple: Yes-men. (Ted Weitzman, Olney)

Ro-lexandria: An upscale neighborhood adjacent to Old Town. (Chris Doyle,
Tokyo)

Pseudo-raq: Implants. (Chris Doyle)

Ink-ville: Wherever Chris Doyle is writing from this week. (Tom Witte)

Snot-tumn: Ragweed season . (Brendan Beary)

Dum-munications: e.g., "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of
the levees." (Phyllis Reinhard)

Honor-assas, pl.: Down and out. (Charles Mann, Baileys Crossroads)

Lust-nets: Condoms. (Tom Witte)

Po-hinds: a Bayou delicacy that somehow has never become popular north of
the Louisiana border. (Peter Metrinko)

Ink-bands: Plain brown rubber bands labeled "LoseStrong," instituted as
Style Invitational prizes in the latest round of Washington Post
cost-cutting measures. (Kyle Hendrickson)

Meta-dent: A dent in your dent. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Class-wood: The reason many a boy would rather take an F than go up to
the blackboard to work an algebra problem. (Kyle Hendrickson)

Ten-dot: Braille code for a real hottie. (Peter Metrinko)

North-bottom: Disoriented. "No wonder we're lost, you idiot, you got the
stupid map all north-bottom." (Russell Beland)

Discrimi-negation: The perfunctory disclaimer "I'm not prejudiced, but .
. ." that is invariably followed by an appallingly racist remark.
(Brendan Beary)

Pain-ulum: Stop calling it a speculum and say what it really is!
(Michelle Stupak)

Hy-by: A greeting designed to get you past that boring guy at the office

without having to stop and chat. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Bat-pus: A caldron ingredient that's a handy substitute for newt-eye.
(Tom Witte)

Mc-manity: A sea cow burger, already supersized. (Dan Seidman, Watertown,
Mass.)

Nip-ship: A bra. (Tom Witte)

Pract-ished: What Lucy Ricardo did to prepare for the Vitameatavegamin
commercial. (Michelle Stupak)

Dead-livery: Alcoholism. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Invitation-ure: Contents of the Empress's wastebasket. (Elwood Fitzner,
Valley City, N.D.)

McPerts: Mass-produced breast implants. (Ted Weitzman)

her-MA: An in-law who's a disaster from Day One. (Steven J. Allen,
Manassas)

Mc-Bottom: No all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles,
onions, or sesame seeds. Just bun. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Dum-assas, n, pl. People who use up a whole week they'll never get back
trying to win items that other people paid good postage to give away.
(Dan Seidman)

Intelli-vitational: Definitely some other contest. (Tom Witte)

Next Week: Picture This, or Draw Your Own Conclusions