Week 630: Hyphen the Terrible

Dignity x messages = Dig-sages, n. Experts in nose-picking.

Yoda x schema = Yo-ma, v. To insult someone's ancestry.

Sunsets x long-neck = Sun-neck, n., the currently preferred term for one
of rural Southern heritage.

This week's contest: Combine the beginning and end of any two
multisyllabic words in this week's Invitational, and then define the
compound. Each part should consist of at least one syllable but can't be
the entire word. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational
trophy. First runner-up receives, discourtesy of Loser Ezra
Deutsch-Feldman of Bethesda, the CD "Here Comes . . . El Son: Songs of
the Beatles . . . With a Cuban Twist." Some of the cuts are actually
pretty good. Some are not.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312.
Deadline is Monday, Oct. 10. Results will be published Oct. 30. Put "Week
630" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as
spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries
become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The
Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for
prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for
next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills.

Report from Week 626, in which we asked for catalogue descriptions of
comical college courses:

Third runner-up:

Film 007: The James Bond Canon. Students will view all
of the Bond films and write their term paper on which Bond is the best.
Those choosing Sean Connery will get an A, Pierce Brosnan a B, Roger
Moore a C, George Lazenby a D and Timothy Dalton an F. (Joseph Romm,

Second runners-up:

Federal Disaster Relief 101. Students will build a
decision support system using faith-based logic and a Ouija Board.
Prerequisites include Getting Permission From the Mayor 101, Clearing
Everything With the Lawyers 101, and Telling the FEMA Director to Turn on
the %#@* Television 101. (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Steven J. Allen,

First runner-up, the winner of the "prepared dry fish bone" food item:
Anatomy 1 and 2, Posterior Survey:

Through two semesters of intense classroom instruction and weekly labs, students will learn to locate
their behinds using both hands. Textbook, flashlight and washable
headbands required. (Phil Battey, Alexandria)

And the winner of the Inker:

LANG 238: Ancient Voices. Who were the Ink
Spots? Country Joe and the Fish? What does "nanu-nanu" mean? Intense
immersion into the language and culture of 15 to 50 years ago will enable
the student to understand and converse with older relatives and
prospective employers. Prerequisite for all INTN (Internship) classes.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Honorable Mentions:

Mass Communications 330: The Future of Reality TV. Students will compete
to participate in a reality TV show about competing to be on a reality TV
show. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

Mechanical Engineering 499: Intelligenter Design. Team project will
recast the human body more sensibly, addressing ear hair, male nipples,
the need to belch, things that flap when you run, lack of cup holders.
(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Harvardese I: Recordings of George Plimpton, William F. Buckley and
President Kennedy are used to develop speech and listening skills in an
obscure northern dialect. Fulfills foreign-language requirement. (Russell
Beland, Springfield)

Anthropology 570: Genealogy of the Daytime Serial. Documentation techniques will be utilized to trace the
bloodlines in "All My Children" and "One Life to Live." Team-taught by
Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Montgomery Montgomery Chandler
Marick Marick Montgomery and Victoria Lord Riley Burke Riley Buchanan
Buchanan Carpenter Davidson. (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio)

Philosophy 000: Elementary Nihilism. Students learn the philosophy of
total self-negation. Those who bother to attend classes will be failed.
(Joseph Romm)

Academic Communications 191: An information delivery module designed to
disseminate linguistic interaction experience to assist Carbon Based Life
Forms (CBLFs) in transactionalizing with other CBLFs, without utilizing
affirmative/pejorative value judgments. (John Crowley, Annandale)

CHEM 180: Household Chemical Reactions Lab. Students spend the semester
in the home of the course instructor, testing various cleaning compounds
on a variety of surfaces. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Math 420: Numerical Methods & Queuing Theory. Students learn to
quantitatively assess aggregated items, compare their magnitudes to an
arbitrary constant, and enter an appropriate queuing schema accordingly.
Final exam held in the "12 Items or Less" checkout line. (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)

American History 300: The Baby Boomers. Students will learn precisely why
it is that their professor is so cool now, was so cool in his youth, and
will ALWAYS be cool, and is therefore forever entitled to be
self-indulgent and snotty. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Comp Sci 404: Magical Standing for Office IT Guys. Students learn how to
stand behind people in such a manner that their computer suddenly works,
even though it didn't work the last 10 times they did that exact thing.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Studio Art 327: Hotel Room Picture Painting. Curriculum covers techniques

in sunsets, crashing waves and various autumn things. Prerequisite to
Crying Clowns I. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Early Childhood Education 001: Students will learn all they ever really
needed to know. Prof. R. Fulghum. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

Campus Activism: Practicum in which students earn credit through a
real-life social project. This semester, the class will attempt to
resolve egregiously discriminatory, arbitrary denials of tenure. Asst.
Prof. Whistlebottom. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Literature 421: "Gilligan's Island" as a Metaphor for the Iraq War. What
starts out as a three-hour tour turns into a trip to uncharted territory
with no clear exit strategy. (Chuck Smith)

Humanities 414: Waiting Through History. Students will investigate the
social and cultural impact on society of waiting, and will actually wait
for Godot, Lefty, the Robert E. Lee, Guffman, the Sun, and God. Meeting
time TBA. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Theatre Arts 243: Contemporary Barroom Dance. Students learn to stand and
wiggle their butts while drinking beer from a long-neck bottle. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

BIO 101: Comparative Anatomy.

Curriculum includes determining whether eyes or stomachs are bigger and
distinguishing rears from elbows. (Kevin Dopart)

American Literature 411: "For Dummies" Books, 2000-2005. In this survey
course, students will skim brief excerpts from this genre, and submit
short reports. (Tom Witte)

ANTH 100: Distinguishing Old People.

Undergraduate seminar dispels the popular notion that old people all look
alike. Identifying characteristics will be underscored (e.g., gender).
(Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

ENGL 615: Yoda I. To Yoda's grammatical structure you will be introduced.
(Evan Golub, College Park)

Phys Ed 349: Disaster Response Gymnastics. Coaches teach students how to
put their heads up their butts in preparation for government service.
Prerequisite: Arabian Horse Judging 101. Required text: "My Pet Goat."
(Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

English Comp 121: Great American Text Messages Under 250 Characters. ezy
cls ne1 cn tak. Several short papers. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

SRP 101: Basics of Sub-Aquatic Reed Plaiting. Introduction to the most
maligned of college majors. (Russell Beland)

WORK 1601: McJob Practicum. Prerequisite for LIFE. Perform mindless,
pointless and degrading tasks all day while taking guff from perfect
strangers and feckless idiots. Try to find meaning and maintain your
basic human dignity, especially after you get your first paycheck.
Imagine doing this the rest of your life and suddenly finals week seems
like Club Med. NOW are you ready to pick a major? (Douglas Frank)

Next Week: Per-Verse, or Rhymes Against Humanity