Week 625: Haven't Seen It


Pulp Fiction: Something in that glass of juice set the novelist's mind ablaze . . .

This week's contest, suggested by rising Loser Andrew Hoenig of Rockville: Make up a new plot for an existing movie title -- just a line or two, not a whole screenplay. The description should be significantly different from the plot of the actual movie. Don't alter the title. Note: Even with this warning, the Empress knows she's going to get 347 entries saying "Gone With the Wind: The Beano Story." Only the exceptionally funny and clever and original are likely to get ink from what's sure to be an enormous pool of entries.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the lavishly illustrated book "Change Your Underwear Twice a Week: Lessons From the Golden Age of Classroom Filmstrips."

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept 6. Results will be published Sept. 25. Put "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills.

Report from Week 621, in which we asked you to take a sentence from any of eight days' Washington Posts and write a question it could answer.

The eight-day window was to give everyone a chance to find a paper or access the Web site, but we should have figured that a very few of the Hopelessly Invitationalized would scrutinize every last sentence in The Post for eight straight days, and submit pages and pages of entries. Good thing these people are funny as well as lunatic (see below).

{diam}Third runner-up: A. Robinson applied it with a caulk gun, then forced it into the cracks and holes with a putty knife.

Q. Why was the Nats' manager suspended for compelling his players to wear sunscreen? (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

{diam}Second runner-up: Senate Democrats quickly criticized the president's move.

What happened when George Bush used a variation of the Albin Countergambit to defeat Garry Kasparov in just under 12 minutes? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of the storyboards for "Blair Witch 2": To some, the smell is an unpleasant mix of volatile organic compounds (including benzene and acetone), mostly given off as gas from the vinyl and other plastic materials, plus adhesive and sealers.

What's it like to be in an elevator with Cher? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker:

His response: "I'm not worth anything anymore."

What did the English teacher reply when his depressed son said, "I ain't worth nothing no more"? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

A. Hundreds of residents, friends and family members lined a mile- and-a-half parade route, waving flags and banners and calling out "Welcome home!" as the smiling men marched by.

Q. What was the scene in Frederick Friday evening as the rush from the District petered out?

(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

She's off to a strong start. But it takes time to turn a supertanker.

What did Jenny Craig say about her new spokeswoman, Kirstie Alley?

(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

It's designed for people who want to live and work in Suitland.

Why was this place built to hold just three people? (Russell Beland)

This excellent value should be drunk over the next 1-2 years.

How did Janice get such a bargain at the Bachelor Auction?

(Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

It could also be the brightest.

Isn't Barney, the Scottie, the cutest member of the Bush family?

(Brendan Beary)

It was like getting run over by the front and rear wheels of a truck.

What was it like hiding under the bed at the Schwarzenegger house?

(Ron Stanley, Reston)

There's also impotence, vision loss, a bad cough, icky teeth and lousy breath.

Are you telling me that chicks don't dig me just because of my immature sense of humor? (Brendan Beary)

Wear gloves and boots, and make sure your tetanus shots are up to date.

Should I go out with the cute new guy in my office, even though he might be a Democrat? (Elwood Fitzner)

But you're in good company to be confused.

What is the motto of the Log Cabin Republicans? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Perhaps the reason I cannot find the answer to this question is that it is rooted in the non-Muslim American reality, a reality that is categorically rejected by extremist Muslims.

So who do you think's funnier, Jackie Mason or Jerry Seinfeld?

(Michael Fransella, Arlington)

There is no safer place for your money.

Stick it up my what?

(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

"I thank the Boy Scouts for serving on the front line of America's armies of compassion," said Bush.

What did President Jeb Bush say on his visit to Baghdad in 2010?

(Phil Battey, Alexandria)

His group makes do on an annual budget of about $500,000.

What did Mick Jagger have to say about how the Stones have cut back on their drug use? (Michelle Stupak)

I'm hoping you have some good advice for my friend, who's gotten himself into deep manure.

What's a typical 911 call in Oskaloosa, Iowa? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

I have two friends, "Emily" and "Rory."

How is your social life, and why do you always walk around with those two little sock puppets? (Brendan Beary)

We're almost there.

Daa-aad, are . . . (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

He also spent more than $200,000 for drainage work and landscaping.

Did Michael Jackson get his nose bobbed again? (Brendan Beary)

One can imagine that a cell phone, a lipstick and a tin of Altoids make up its entire contents.

What might one find in Paris Hilton's head? (Jeff Brechlin)

"Clearly, we need to shift some of that focus to the middle school years," said Charles Pyle, a Virginia Department of Education spokesman.

How can we discourage sexual activity among elementary school children?

(Marty McCullen)

"The '60s wouldn't have been the same without me," he said.

What is the most outrageous quote attributed to John Wilkes Booth?

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Someone put human excrement in it a few years ago, and that was the end of that.

What's a reasonable thing to say about pretty much anything except a toilet?

(Chris Doyle)

Everyone, it seems.

Who has, because of increased media scrutiny, taken to qualifying almost every statement? (Russell Beland)

Sounds plausible, but the truth is more mundane.

Do you think Bush got us into this Iraq mess solely to make Condi Rice a viable candidate for 2008?

(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

We have a song, "Here she comes, Miss Crustacean."

It's so great of you frat brothers to get me a blind date -- how will I know which one she is? (Peter Metrinko)

Eventually, possibly by 2008, condominiums, apartments and retail will replace the blight.

What's the conclusion of the administration's plan for Yellowstone? (Russell Beland)

Despite the decline, The Post still does sell more than 1 million copies of the paper every Sunday.

Mr. Graham, what do you think about the reductions in recreational fishing in Chesapeake Bay?

(Bob Dvorak, Saugerties, N.Y.)

She won The Washington Post's Style Invitational contest in April 1994, after offering this really "bad excuse for a moral lapse:"

How would we all like our obituaries to begin? (Marty McCullen)

The Washington Post Co. said its second-quarter earnings fell 7 percent as profitability declined in three of its five main business lines, particularly newspaper publishing.

Will budget decisions cause some Post features to be terminated abrup

(Brendan Beary)