Week 616: Picture This, Kids


When not inflicting his cartoons on The Washington Post, Style Invitational cartoonist Bob Staake, among other things, pens children's picture books. We surreptitiously borrowed this sketchbook labeled "Staake's New Kids' Project," but unfortunately Bob hadn't written a title or a synopsis of the new book. This week's contest: Supply title and one-sentence synopsis of same. You can also include some sample text to accompany one of the pictures.

The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a large ceramic coffee mug, or perhaps small planter, with prominent facial features, including a handlebar mustache, jutting out of it. And we'll even throw in a genuine souvenir mini-mug from the 1982 World's Fair in Knoxville, Tenn.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, July 5. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Entries are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was submitted by both John O'Byrne of Dublin and Tom Witte of Montgomery Village. The mugs for this contest were donated by Michelle Stupak of Ellicott City.

Report from Week 612, in which we asked for a "No. 102" that wouldn't have made it onto a list of "101 Whatevers" of your choosing:

First, an interruption: It has come to the Empress's attention, via several tattling readers, that one of the retorts printed in Week 612 was nowhere close to original. Since the offender did fess up and apologize upon being confronted, it is not necessary to name names here. Suffice it to say that the next person caught pulling a Steal Invitational will be presented with a Veggo Award, and banned from the contest thenceforth.

Now back to the 102 Ideas: Some of the ideas were just too good to have been down there at No. 102. Surely making the Top 10 of their respective lists, for example, would have been: "Names for Pit Bulls: Lorena," by Jeff Covel of Arlington; not to mention "How to Win the Style Invitational: Use 'Heideggerian' and 'colostomy' in the same sentence," from Phil Frankenfeld of Washington.

{diam}Third Runner-Up: 101 Ways to Save Money, No. 102: Spit your mouthwash back into the bottle to be used again. The alcohol kills all the germs, so one bottle can last for years. (Stephen Greene, Boston)

{diam}Second Runner-up: 101 Reasons to Believe in Intelligent Design, No. 102: All that evidence for evolution couldn't have gotten there by chance. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax)

{diam}First Runner-Up, winner of the 102 nasturtium seeds from Bob Staake's garden, plus the barbecue-scented car air fresheners: 101 Fun Prom Themes, No. 102: "Prescience 2025: Glimpsing Our 20- Year Reunion." (Deborah Guy, Columbus, Ohio)

{diam}And the Winner of the Inker: 101 Ways to Stay Looking Young, No. 102: Iron your face. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

{diam}And no, we're not giving out 102 Honorable Mentions:

101 Ways to Cope With Stress, No. 102: Set aside a little quiet time for yourself and update your enemies list.

(Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

101 Fun Activities for Family Car Trips, No. 102: Blindfold Dad and see if he can steer just from your directions.

(Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.)

101 Great Cookbook Themes, No. 102: "The Fear Factor Feast."

(Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

101 Ways to Torment Your Cat, No. 102: Look at him, whisper behind your hand and snicker. (Most people don't know this, but cats are very paranoid.)

(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

101 Best Concepts for a Reality Show, No. 102: The Polygamist Bachelor. Watch as a polygamist whittles a group of 16 potential brides down to 15 and marries them all. (Wayne Rodgers)

101 Ways to Lose Weight, No. 102: The Mouth Beach Diet: Sand fills you up quickly, and works better than bran to clean you out. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

101 Ways to Improve Your SAT Scores, No. 102: Wite-Out.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

101 Ways to Lower Your IRS Bill Legally, No. 102: Make quarterly tax payments of 13 cents each, then, when you do your taxes, round the 52 cents up to a full dollar. (Russell Beland)

101 Best Members of the U.S. Senate, No. 102: Sen. Rick Santorum.

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

101 Things You Want to Hear Your Surgeon Say, No. 102: "Nurse, bring me my lucky scalpel."

(Herb Greene, Catonsville, Md.)

101 Ways to Entertain Yourself on the Metro, No. 102: Close your eyes and try to guess the station stop by listening to the driver. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

101 Great Pickup Lines, No. 102: "Hi, I'm Ms. Letourneau. I'll be your teacher this year."

(Heather and Tim Allen, Westford, Mass.)

101 Ways to Quit Smoking, Idea No. 102: After purchase, dip each cigarette in kerosene. Let dry and replace in pack. (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville)

101 Cocktail Recipes, No. 102: Tuna Daiquiri. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick)

101 Tips for a Killer Resume, No. 102: Under "Honors, Prizes and Distinctions," be sure to include "Honorable Mention, Washington Post Style Invitational Contest CIX (March 24) 2002." (Verbatim from the curriculum vitae of an actual English professor, discovered by Martin Bancroft, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

101 Meals for People on the Go, No. 102: Toaster Ribs. (Molly Norton, San Francisco)

101 Ways to Survive a Dull Sermon, No. 102: Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

101 Job Interview Tips, No. 102: Ask for the name of the interviewer's cosmetic surgeon. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston)

101 Great Educational Gifts for Children, No. 102: Li'l CSI Kit, with real blood, semen, urine and fecal samples.

(Ron Stanley, Reston)

101 Wedding Planning Ideas, No. 102: Be sure to slip away for some "you time" before the big day arrives.

(Sharon Seeger, Herndon)

101 Ways to See the Sights of Washington, No. 102: Rent a Cessna.

(Jeff Covel; Guy de Blank, Hamilton, Va.)

101 Dremel Tool Projects, No. 102: Hemorrhoid removal.

(James A. Noble, Lexington Park)

101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special, No. 102: Give him an all-day pass to Disneyland and a bus ticket to Anaheim. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

101 Uses for the Old VCR, No. 102: Plug it in each New Year's Eve to celebrate with the blinking "12:00."

(Robin D. Grove, Woodbridge)

101 Excuses for the Redskins, No. 102: Maybe they're just not all that good.

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

101 Highest Floors of the Empire State Building, No. 102: The lobby.

(Greg Arnold, Herndon)

And Last: 101 Ways to Get Ink in The Style Invitational, No. 102: Make fawning compliments about the judge's rugged masculine good looks.

(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

And Even Laster: 101 Ways to Get the Most Out of Life, No. 102: Spend every spare moment writing gags for a newspaper. (Russell Beland)