Week 602: Take a Letter -- Again


Vaseball: A game of catch played by children in the living room. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Apocalypso: Day-o, me-day-day-day-ay-o. Doomsday come, and me want to go home. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

As we've mentioned before, there seem to be a whole lot of people out in NetWorld who have been "informed" that The Washington Post runs some kind of word contest, perhaps once a year. And this contest, these people think, is always the same one: Change any word by one letter and redefine it. And so, almost daily, the Empress receives submissions to this contest-that-isn't from all over the globe. She has even been approached by no fewer than four publishers interested in putting out a whole book consisting of nothing but one after another of these entries. For the record, we have indeed run this contest, twice in the previous 600 weeks (hence the examples above from 1998 and 2003). So okay, fine. Here it is again, with one new restriction.

This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with A, B, C or D; either add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter, or transpose two letters; and define the new word.

The winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fantabulous item that Loser Steve Fahey of Kensington has been trying to get rid of for months: a Japanese "Boyfriend's Arm Pillow," which is, well, a pillow that looks like a man-size arm, sewn into the cuddle position. Nighttime coziness without the snoring -- and very undemanding at 7 a.m. There's only one hitch: Whoever gets this prize must pick it up at the 10th annual Flushie Awards, the banquet hosted by the Losers themselves. This year's will be April 16 in the Silver Spring area. If the first runner-up can't or won't attend this highlight of the Washington social season, we'll send a shirt and an old Loser pen instead.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 28. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills.

Report from Week 598, in which we asked for names for cafeterias or other rooms in particular places: Two entrants noted that the burger place in the middle of the Pentagon's center courtyard is still called, though perhaps not officially, Ground Zero.

{diam}Third runner-up: The press room at the White House: Employee Lounge (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook)

{diam}Second runner-up: The ladies' room at Buckingham Palace: The Royal Wee

(Kirsten Andersen, Los Angeles)

{diam}First runner-up, winner of the 1926 edition of "Constipation" by Bernarr Macfadden: The cafeteria at AARP: Where's My Damn Sandwich! (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: The dental clinic at the Department of Homeland Security: The Cavity Search (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

CAFETERIAS

At the Basketball Hall of Fame: In Your Face. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

At an Internet company: The Dotcommissary. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

At Warner Bros. Animation: What's Sup, Doc? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

At a drug rehabilitation center: The Cold Turkey (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

At the Bureau of Indian Affairs: The Regulatory Maize (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)

At a modeling agency: The Barbie Queue (Tom Witte)

At the National Zoo: The Recent Exhibits (Russell Beland, Springfield; Dennis Lindsay)

At R.J. Reynolds: The Cougheteria (Tom Witte)

At NASA: Fill the Void (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

At the Lawrence Welk Resort in Branson, Mo.: The Square Meal (Russell Beland)

At a fertility clinic: The Magic Eggplant (Cecil J. Clark, Asheville, N.C.)

At the D.C. bomb squad headquarters: The Tiki Tiki Lounge (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

At a gastroenterologist's practice: Input (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Automat in the basement of the Office of the Vice President: Go Service Yourself (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

At a modeling agency: The Upchuck Wagon (Chris Doyle)

At MGM Studios: Munchin' Land (Mitchell A. Cohn, Washington)

At Sara Lee Corp: The Pie Hole (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

At the Latvian Embassy: Letts Do Lunch (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

At Metro headquarters: Eating Prohibited (John Kupiec)

At Enron: The Company Mess (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)

At the IRS: The Pound of Flesh (Cecil J. Clark)

At NORML: High Noon (Chuck Smith)

At Leavenworth Prison: The Greasy Shiv (Rob Poole, Ellicott City)

At the Globe Theatre: What Foods These Morsels Be (Kirsten Andersen)

At the Tower of Pisa: Lean Cuisine (Jay Brown, Charlottesville)

RESTROOMS

Ladies' room at the FAA: The No Fly Zone (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

At the Department of Public Works: The City Dump (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

At the White House: Leaks (John O'Byrne, Dublin; Cheryl Davis, Arlington)

At NIH: The Urinal of the American Medical Association (Brendan Beary)

At USA Today: Where We're Pooping (Brendan Beary)

At Neverland Ranch: The Little Boys' Room (John Kupiec)

At a real estate office: The 1/2 BA (Dave Prevar)

At a car dealer's: They Gotta Go! (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

At Washington National Cathedral: The Matthew-Mark-Luke John (Fred Souk, Reston)

LOUNGES

At NOAA: Davy Jones's Locker Room (Chris Doyle)

At a K Street lobbying firm: The Tasseled Loafer (Brendan Beary)

At Home Depot: Bored Feet (Dave Prevar)

Bill Cosby's Private Office Lounge: The Hug-Stable (Barbara Hoss Schneider, Bowie)

OTHER

The "lost-items office" at Google: Room 404 (Evan Golub, College Park)

The day care center at the Department of Education: Children Left Behind

Brendan Beary)

The White House Press Corps snack bar: Mister Softee (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

The snack bar at Hertz: Between the Seats (Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario)

The coffee room at a lingerie manufacturer: The Uplifting Cup (Dennis Lindsay)

The coffee room at The Washington Post: The Circulation Boost

(Steve Shapiro, Alexandria)

And Last: The prize warehouse at the Style Invitational compound: This Is Not Trash -- Do Not Remove! (Brendan Beary)



Next Week: So What's the News, or Details Are Sketchy