Week 597: Eccchsibits


The Spa Museum. A collection of devices and products used by Americans trying to look sleek but unwilling to exercise or eat right. The exhibits are viewed from a moving sidewalk.

The PETA Anti-Zoo Zoo. A fascinating look at the other side of zoo life, including footage of animals engaged in obsessive- compulsive behavior, footage of famous animal rampages and a documentary about children making hideous faces at animals (or is it hideous children making faces at animals?).

Seen enough of the neutered bull elephant and the first ladies' dresses? Peter Metrinko of Chantilly suggests that you come up with some alternative museums and exhibits for the nation's capital, as in the examples he supplies above. Obviously, entertaining and clever descriptions are going to win out in this contest over the nice mere germs of ideas that sometimes manage to get ink in these columns.

First-prize winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a heavy glass polyhedral paperweight, nestled in a lavish latched velvet box, bearing the name of Shin Ki-nam, chairman, Uri Party, Republic of Korea. This is truly a gorgeous item, and especially poignant since Mr. Shin no longer holds this post; he resigned last summer after revelations that his father was a collaborator during the Japanese occupation.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Feb. 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of, at the moment, Auckland, New Zealand. (Chris is continuing to send in entries from cyber-cafes around the planet as he makes an extended world tour. This is only one reason Chris has almost 600 blots of ink and you do not.)

Report from Week 593, in which we asked for "Job's comforters," things that someone might say ostensibly to make another person feel better but wouldn't exactly do the trick.

Almost everyone weighed in with some form of "You're much better in bed than your sister."

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Look at it this way, Mia: At least your daughter married a movie star. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: You should be glad the parole board turned you down, because recidivism is really high these days. (Chris Doyle, Auckland, New Zealand)

{diam}First Runner-Up, the winner of the scary T-shirt from the makers of the Loser

T-Shirt: Oh, look, your tourniquet perfectly matches your shoes . . . er, shoe.

(Cecil J. Clark, Arlington)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: I'm sure your husband will be fine. That's the same place where Mike Tyson did his time, and nobody bothered him.

(Rob Poole, Ellicott City)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Sure, Joe, your wife's having someone else's baby. But at least she's still a virgin. (Russell Beland)

I can't believe your husband ran off with the nanny. Oh well, at least you know she'll be good with your kids if he marries her. (April Musser, Atlanta)

On the bright side, how many sons know the difference between a triple salchow, a triple lutz and a triple toe loop? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Hey, security cameras put five pounds on everybody. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Do they make you look fat? Absolutely not -- I'm sure you'd look way fatter without them. (Russell Beland)

I hear the governor refused the stay of execution. Oh, boy, are you ever gonna eat well tonight! (Chris Doyle)

At least with that look, nobody's going to think you're an airhead. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Aw, that's not true, I think your baby's cute -- he looks like a little Woody Allen. (Monica Mikulski, Potomac)

So what if you lost by 30 points -- even if you'd lost by just 1, you'd still be a loser. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

I know you're upset that your wife left you to be with a woman. But just think, those fantasies of yours are probably coming true right now!

(Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk)

You think paying bail for your kid was expensive -- think of what that first year at Yale is doing to my bank account!

(Karen Shimansky, Emmitsburg, Md.)

At least being sent to Guantanamo means you'll be spared the embarrassment of a public trial.

(Greg Pearson, Arlington)

It's a shame about your cat, ma'am, but if you just hose out that wood chipper real good it'll run like new. (Greg McGrew, Leesburg)

So that was your daughter in that porn video I saw? Oh, well, let me tell you that she was really good at what she was doing! (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Look at it this way: Those five interceptions you threw were all completions! (Richard Lempert, Arlington)

Look on the bright side, Adam: Once you're done toiling in the field, I'll make you a great apple pie. (Laura Shumar, Lafayette, Ind.)

I know you're sad that your mom's aged so poorly. But hey, she looked great when she was young -- just like you.

(Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Too bad about that poisoned soup, President Yushchenko. At least the whole world recognizes your face.

(Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

She got the promotion over you? Well, only you got to sleep with the boss. (Chris Doyle)

Ha, those fools don't realize they'll have to hire an entire hutful of kids to do your job. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)

Hey, in a few more years you won't even notice your Alzheimer's. (Russell Beland)

Aw, come on, honey -- I really do want us to work through whatever you were bitching about this time. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

You know, if we could have kept on just one more employee. . . . (Russell Beland)

Hey, troops, don't feel bad about not finding any WMDs. I got reelected anyway. (G.W.B., Washington)

(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Sure, you're dead, but at least first you got a little ru-ru. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

"The chance that any one of us will perish in a tidal wave, hurricane, earthquake or other natural calamity is very, very low. . . . A person is more likely to die by falling from a tall building, slipping in the bathtub or being legally executed." (The Washington Post, Jan. 16)

(Jeff Evan, Millsboro, Del.)

And Last: Hey, Empress, you know how we are always having that battle where I accuse you of favoring just-clever over funny, and you accuse me of favoring just-funny over clever? Well, we won't have to fight this week! Because these aren't funny or clever! (The Czar (Ret.), Ekaterinburg)


Next Week: History Loves Company, or A World From Our Sponsor