Week 596: Take Her Words for It

My wife knows her gas is clever ammunition: If she is unhappy, all she has to do is make a flame!

This week's contest: Use the words of this week's Ask Amy advice column (at right), as a pool from which to compose your own useful (or useless) thoughts, as in the example above. You can't alter the words except to ignore or change capitalization and punctuation, including hyphens and apostrophes. You may use a single word as many times as it is used in the passages (e.g., you could use "the" up to 12 times).

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives, direct from New Delhi courtesy of Loser Robin Diallo, "Khushwant Singh's Joke Book No. 1" and a comic book called, we swear, Tinkle Digest. They are in English.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 14. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 6. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.

Report from Week 592, in which we asked for various types of humor playing off the Super Bowl.

You can see this evening how close your absurd ideas came to the actual absurd event. The most commonly submitted tasteless idea: Have the fans do "the tsunami" instead of "the wave."

{diam}Third runner-up: "Improvements" to the game:

Extend the use of Roman numerals beyond just the game number: "It's III and IX on their own XLIV-yard line . . . oops, that's gonna be a XV-yard penalty! (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}Second runner-up: During-the-game sponsors: Right after the third quarter, have a dozen monstrous SUVs come roaring down the stadium aisles and into the seats, scattering people like duckpins. Then Jack Bauer of "24" leaps out and points some obscene phallic weapon at everyone and begins screaming at them all to "GET DOWN! GET DOWN TO YOUR DEALER NOW!" So not only is it an ad for a new suburban assault vehicle, it's also a tie-in for Fox! (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

{diam}First runner-up, the winner of the three dozen pairs of Groucho glasses: Improvements to the game: Like in baseball, have the president do the opening kickoff. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: Commercial: View of a man's back as he holds something underneath a Clydesdale. Sound of liquid splashing into a metal bucket. Second scene: A man wearing a Miller Brewing Co. cap says proudly: "That's not how we make OUR beer." (Peter Larsen, Williston, Vt.)

{diam}Honorable Mentions

Commercials we'd like (or wouldn't like) to see:

Middle-aged man and woman get ready for bed, setting the alarm clock, woman taking off her makeup. "Viagra. When you can't think of a fantasy." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Mock halftime show: Justin Timberlake reaches over to rip Janet Jackson's shirt, revealing a purple bra. He pulls and tears at it, but it stays on. "Maidenform. Our wardrobes don't malfunction." (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Hilary Duff buys a Diet Pepsi from a machine outside a gas station. She distracts a man who walks into traffic and gets hit by a bus. But it's okay! He's a terrorist who harmlessly explodes. Hilary sips her Diet Pepsi and smiles in vacuous triumph. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Dick Van Dyke, Dick Clark and Dick Van Patten, each with a sexy young woman on his arm. Voice-over: Take it from a bunch of old . . . guys: Viagra really works. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

The Oval Office, softly lit. President Bush sits at his desk, with Donald Rumsfeld leaning over him discussing the budget. Voice- over: "If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment . . . [Bush and Rumsfeld share a look] will you be ready?"

Bush and Rumsfeld grab hands and together press a red button on the desk. Cut to an image of a B-2 bombing a Middle Eastern country.

"Northrop Grumman" appears on the screen, along with the warning: "Although a rare occurrence, insurrections lasting more than two years require immediate U.N. assistance." (Andrew Goldberg, Potomac)

The Pepto-Bismol commercial in which actors do a Macarena-like dance acting out nausea, heartburn, diarrhea, etc., goes about 2 percent further: The actors actually vomit, HAVE diarrhea . . . (Cheryl Furst, Falls Church)

A Mini Cooper pulls into a tiny parking space in two maneuvers. The driver steps out, admires his work and strolls off. A Hummer pulls up abreast of the Mini, hesitates, and then backs up onto the Mini and the car behind it, crushing both. The driver steps out, admires her work and walks off. Voice-over: "Hummer drivers never double-park." (Chris Doyle, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii)

"See this quarterback? He makes more money in a year than you'll make in your life. But he doesn't have Sure-Safe security systems. Here's his home address, and his away-game schedule . . . (Seth Brown)

Why not combine the two products most often advertised during the Super Bowl: "Studweiser Blue. With that special added ingredient, you'll see wazzup every time. And for platonic relationships, try Studweiser Light." (Ron Mayer, Columbia; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Series of shots: Immense home. Two people at a restaurant, the table loaded with food. A closet stuffed with clothes. Teen wearing headphones, playing video game, talking on cell phone. Finally a shot from the very back of a cavernous Ford Excursion, a woman driving with one child. "Ford SUVs. Way more than you possibly need. The American way." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Focus on two men in the stands watching the game. As the game progresses, they keep drinking beer. The first man keeps going to the restroom, standing in long lines, missing big plays; the second man just keeps sitting and smiling. "Depends. Never miss a moment." (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton)

"Hey, Mark Brunell! You just watched the Super Bowl from your living room after signing a $43 million contract as a 34-year-old quarterback with a spaghetti arm AND the mobility of a refrigerator AND leading the Redskins to a losing record! What are you gonna do now?" "I'M GOING TO LEISURE WORLD!" (Bob Dalton, Arlington, who's not bitter or anything)

Halftime entertainment

Have Michael Jackson sing at halftime, and have Justin Timberlake reach over and "accidentally" pull off his nose. (John Kammer, Herndon; Seth Brown)

A tribute to soldiers! Dress people up in military uniforms from different countries throughout history. Uniforms from China, uniforms from Greece, uniforms from the Afrika Korps . . . (Harry Windsor, London) (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

How about a rousing halftime tribute to a player who was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame 20 years ago -- O.J. Simpson? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

During-the-Game Sponsors

To show support for the war effort, Budweiser sponsors a Let's All Get Bombed promotion during which all beer in the stadium is free. (John Kammer)

"Improvements" to the game and its coverage:

Dress the refs in togas and have them announce penalties in the manner of a Greek chorus: "And thus did he who received the projectile abandon the Ways of Olympus, seeking Glory of the Self in a most offensive celebration; and as such, he shall suffer the Yellow Pennant, and his team shall forgo 15 yards on the ensuing kickoff." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

The Alberto Gonzales Worst Call of the Day (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Players must be dressed in the costumes of their team mascot. (Seth Brown)

After the game, winners of a special lottery will be allowed to go on the field to throw cups of beer at players from the losing team. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Run a crawler message at the bottom of the screen during commercials updating viewers on the game. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Next Week: Take This, Job, and ... or Pity Pity Bang Bang