Week 594 History Loves Company
The Donner Party expedition, brought to you by Slim Jim{T}{M}!
"If they'd only had some Slim Jim meat sticks . . ."
The Salem Witch Trials, brought to you by Duraflame!
The Saga of John Wayne Bobbitt, brought to you by Snap-On Tools!
This week's contest, suggested by Tom Ponton of Columbia, is pretty clear from the examples above: Name an appropriate corporate sponsor for some historical event or for someone's life story. Note that it's pretty easy to come up with entries for this challenge, so bear in mind that yours will have to be especially novel and clever to ensure that 50 other people don't send the same one (see below).
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a bottle of "1959er Erbacher Honigberg Spatlese" Riesling that was given to Emilie Bruchon of Arlington by her grandfather, who brought it back from Germany years ago. Unfortunately the cork is broken and so the contents are worthless, rendering it an appropriate Loser reward.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 31. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phil Frankenfeld of Washington.
Report from Week 590, our biennial contest to produce "joint legislation" by combining the names of outgoing and incoming members of Congress.
As usual, we received enormous e-bags of e-mail overflowing with entries, many of them similar; sometimes a commonly submitted combination still got ink by virtue of clever wording. Among the many funny but too frequent entries were the Poe- Nethercutt-Cleaver Circumcision Regulatory Act, the Kuhl-Frost-Burr bill to reduce global warming, and the Jindal-Bell-Schrock Act to prevent tipsy Christmas caroling. These do not include the ton of inspired work like (this is verbatim) "the Moore-Green-Bean bill to subsidize green bean farmers." If the entry you sent, however, is the exact duplicate of one that appears below, the Empress suggests that you write your congressman.
Note: Over the years, this contest has tended to produce a higher than usual don't-get-it rate among readers. The trick is to say the entries out loud a few times. Okay, we'll translate one somewhat challenging winner for you: Nickles-Dunn-McKinney-Dent is "Nickels don't make any dent." For the rest, you're on your own. Remember, "Ose" is pronounced "oh-see," "Bereuter" is "bee-writer," and "Melancon" is roughly "melan-sahn."
{diam}Third Runner-Up:
Ose-McHenry-Burns bill to promote new, pithy lyrics to "The Star- Spangled Banner." (Fred S. Souk, Reston)
{diam}Second Runner-Up:
The Hill-Bean bill to . . . oh, it doesn't matter. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)
{diam}First Runner-Up, the winner of the CD of the Style Invitational Losers "singing" some of the Week 589 Christmas carol parodies:
The Foxx-Stenholm resolution, stating that no daughter of mine is leaving the house dressed like that. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
{diam}And the winner of the Inker:
Poe-John-Dunn-Barrow-Nickles-Fortenberry-Breaux Bill for regulation of funeral costs. (Angela Murphy-Walters, Accokeek)
{diam}Honorable Mentions:
The Moore-Carson-Hill Act replacing the Capitol steps with a multilevel parking garage. (Mark Eckenweiler, Washington)
The Kuhl-Miller Draft Reinstatement Act (Steve Shapiro, Alexandria)
The Inglis-Schrock-Costa-Nickles Act, to purchase Gibraltar cheap from Great Britain. (Chris Doyle, Freeport, Bahamas)
The Burr-Dunn-DeMint bill requiring U.S. coins to be redesigned every six months. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk)
The Nethercutt-Greenwood-Vitter-Cleaver bill to promote logging safety. (Erich Snoke, Stafford)
The Mack-Inglis-Moore-Boren Act expanding the FCC's indecency penalties to cover such expletives as "Dang!" and "Gee willikers!" (Mark Eckenweiler)
The Davis-Isakson bill to condense the Old Testament by removing a bunch of extra generations. (Jerry Ewing, Orlando)
The Ose-Melancon-Foxx bill to finance extended lunch breaks for construction crews. (Virginia M. Friedman, Philadelphia)
The Vitter-Breaux-Graham bill to motivate you to get serious, start paying attention and join us.
(Mira J. Koplovsky, Washington)
The Moore-Jindal-Obama bill to establish a distillery in Mobile. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
The Tauzin-Lipinski Act to find a cure for foot-in-mouth disease. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
The Cleaver-Dunn-Toomey Resolution in honor of Abby and Andrew Borden.
(Peter Metrinko)
The Kuhl-Breaux-Boren-Poe bill to fund poetry slams for young rappers.
(Beverly Miller, North Clarendon, Vt.)
Davis-Moore-Boren-Toomey resolution in appreciation of Jay Leno.
(Jeffrey Scharf, Burke)
The Greenwood-Burns-Poe bill to prevent chimney fires. (Stephen Dudzik)
The John-Breaux-Cleaver Act to mandate some necessary maintenance in the Senate washroom. (Brendan Beary)
The Goss-Edwards-Toomey Law, requiring anyone claiming to be receiving directions from the Almighty to provide material proof. (Brendan Beary)
The Moore-Boren-Nickles bill to replace Thomas Jefferson's likeness with Millard Fillmore's. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick)
The John-Edwards-Costa-Toomey Election Reform Act. (J.F. Kerry, Washington) (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The Burr-Davis Act requiring common animals to be referred to by their Latin names. (Brendan Beary)
The Kuhl-Majette Bill to promote, you know, just hanging out. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church; Teri Chism, Winchester, Va.)
The Smith-Breaux bill to limit Medicare drug coverage to cough drops.
(Chris Doyle)
The Fitzgerald-Bereuter resolution Declaring Gatsby to be "Not So Great." (Russell Beland)
The Moore-Collins bill to increase participation on radio talk shows.
(Kyle Hendrickson)
The Ose-Westmoreland-Burns bill to provide forest-fire aid to California.
(Corey Reid, Gaithersburg)
The Price-Bereuter bill to make Bob Barker's birthday a national holiday. (Brent McBurney, Alexandria)
The Cleaver-Melancon-Toomey bill to support breast donation surgery.
(Virginia M. Friedman)
The Nickles-Dunn-McKinney-Dent resolution rejecting the idea of collecting deposit bottles to reduce the federal deficit. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
The Burr-Stenholm Act to repeal the Fourth Amendment in cases of national security. (Chris Doyle)
The Burr-Poe-Bell bill expressing resounding support for fast food.
(Kyle Hendrickson)
The Green-Salazar-Boren Meat Industry Promotion Bill (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.; Dave Zarrow)
The John-Fitzgerald and Quinn-Fitzpatrick Act endorsing gay marriages.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
The Edwards-Breaux-John-Fitzgerald-Dunn-Moore-Foxx Joint Report on Infidelity in the Kennedy Family.
(Russell Beland)
Dunn-Turner-Cuellar Bill authorizing funding to study effects of incest in the Deep South. (Angela Murphy-Walters; Dave Hanlon, Gainesville)
The Moore-Marchant-Dunn-Conaway Act limiting the expansion of Wal- Mart. (Stephanie Thomas, Arlington)
The McCaul-Costa-DeMint bill to limit roaming charges. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
The Turner-Lampson Wet T-Shirt Day bill. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The Poe-Conaway Bordello Establishment Act.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
And Last:
The Smith-Carnahan-Boren-Toomey Bill to restrict the number of times the same contestants can win newspaper contests. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)
Next Week: Dead Letters, or Reaper Madness