Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 9, 2005


At one point in the coming weeks, tens of millions of Americans will turn
away from the seediness and despair of their daily lives and devote their
attention, for several hours, to an event of momentous historical
importance. We refer, of course, to the set of commercials before, during
and after the Super Bowl, which is some sports contest that exists as the
framework on which to hang these ads. In the XXXVIII-year history of the
game, the commercials have become increasingly complex, expensive . . .
and tasteless. Last year's included one about a dog biting a man in
the crotch, and one about a horse fart.

What should the Commercial Powers That Be come up with this year? Offer
us a concise idea for a commercial, or some innovative halftime
entertainment (you may remember that there was a halftime show last
year), or some inappropriate sponsors, or some ideas for improving the
game itself. Results will run on Super Sunday, Feb. 6.

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational
trophy. First runner-up receives three dozen brand-new Groucho
glasses-and-noses, donated by Loser Mike Connaghan of Alexandria. Just
think of how you can transform, say, your wedding into an event that
everyone will remember! Especially when you get the photo album back.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational
Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312.
Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put the week number in the subject line of
your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal
address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the
basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The
Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Russell Beland of Springfield. The idea for this week's contest1 is
from Brendan Beary of Great Mills.


Report from Week 588, in which we asked you to identify these items that
cartoonist Bob Staake had left for us under the tree.

Many Losers identified Cartoon E as a spiritual Lamp Unto My Feet, or the new Ikea
Pmal, or the latest in Australian room decor; and Cartoon C as a
regulator of congressional pork.

Third runner-up: Cartoon A: A Bucket of Warm Spit: The perfect gift for
the person you wouldn't give anything to. Dick Cheney had several
of these under his tree this year. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

Second runner-up: Cartoon C: While ham radios continue to be popular, the
salami radio never caught on. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

First runner-up, the winner of the Dracula plate from Romania: Cartoon B:
The latest fad at wedding receptions: coffee urns that not only boil
water but also dance along to the inevitable "YMCA." (Marty
McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

And the winner of the Inker: Cartoon E: The community theater
couldn't afford lavish props for its "Phantom of the
Opera." (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)

Honorable Mentions

Cartoon A

If you can't teach your loved one to put the toilet seat back down,
the least he could do is buy you this low-energy electric butt dryer.
(Herbie Lee, Santa Cruz, Calif.)

Ralph Nader's publicity box: It squawks loudest when disconnected.
(Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

The Eternal Flamer: Tombstone of the French performer Le Petomane, aka Le
Fartiste. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I don't know what it is, but it says it's from my Secret
Santa in Yucca Mountain, Nevada. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Thomas the Tank Engine after an unfortunate incident with the railroad
mob. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)

Cartoon B

Swiss Army field trials proved the suppository-injector attachment rather
unwieldy. (Tom Boyle, Laurel)

Wonco's Ultimate Party Pot: Have a New Year's bash to
remember with this espresso/infusion/fondue/bong. (Beverly Miller, North
Clarendon, Vt.)

When a new leader of Quebec is selected, this machine sends up the
official puff of white smoke. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

In Ukraine, everyone is ordering the new samovar with the built-in dioxin
detector. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

R2-D2's ex-wife. (Roger and Pam Dalrymple)

Captain Nemo's Nautilus machine. (Russell and Maureen Beland,
Springfield)

Whistler embarrassed his mother by painting her seated on a toilet.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Cartoon C

A great gift for those who play the market, this device accurately
determines the value of pork belly futures. (Joseph Mat Schech,
Colesville)

All women really want from men: A full cashbox and a big sausage. (Seth
Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Antique laptop: The first machine to introduce us to the term "log
on." (Richard A. Creasy, Winchester, Va.)

Sausagemaking and politics are linked in this replica of an Ohio voting
machine. (John Conti)

Instrument to be used Aug. 2: If the ground meat doesn't see its
shadow, then we have six more weeks of summer. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis)

Cartoon D

Navel oranges now come equipped with their own nutritious umbilical
cords. (Jeffrey Dvorkin, Chevy Chase)

She'll shed tears of delight when she casts her eyes on the Tammy
Faye Mascara Dispenser. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Paul Hamm's emergency helium supply. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

His analysts' report concluded that you can't get blood from
a stone, but the president ordered them back to the drawing board. (Tom
Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.)

The Balco lab tests its "clear" on an olive. (Mel Loftus,
Holmen, Wis.)

"Mommy, how come all the other bombs just have short fuses and I
gotta wear this?" (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

For Christmas, Spot wore a stocking on the end of his tail. (Russell
Beland)

Cartoon E

Did it ever occur to you that bats are "blind" because they
just don't get enough light? Well, this new device . . . (Cheryl
Furst, Falls Church)

For parties where people just won't let loose: a lampshade that
puts itself on its head. (Larry M. Furst, Woodland, Calif.)

After a week in Washington, Diogenes abandoned his quest. (Karen
Napolitano, Gaithersburg)

The Real Slim Shady. (Phyllis Reinhard)

The favorite act of the flea circus was always the high dive. (Ross
Elliffe)

The constant teasing made Sarah-Plain-and-Tall want to dig a hole in the
ground and crawl into it, but she made it only halfway. (Niels Hoven,
Berkeley, Calif.)

Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible, or Breaking Our Words