Week 591: Dead Letters


We're here to pay respects
And there is just no way to mask it.
It's just too bad, dear Rodney:
Please stop spinning in your casket.

This week's contest is our second annual request for rhyming poems about notable personages who have died in the past year. Poems longer than four lines need to be fabulously wonderful; those four lines or fewer need merely be fabulous. An Internet search on something like "notable deaths 2004" should yield dozens of useful lists of the newly unliving.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a copy of the Summer 2004 Social Register, which was donated anonymously to The Style Invitational by someone who didn't want it known that he'd gone through his neighbor's trash. This large directory lists the addresses of hundreds of people much more important than you are, including the addresses of their yachts. (Losers, of course, are more often associated with their snachts.)

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 10. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Feb. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Josh Borken of Bloomington, Minn.

Report from Week 587, in which we asked for various entries, in various forms, to supplement The List, The Post's so-hip-you'll-never-understand what's-in/what's-out guide (published yesterday):

{diam}Third runner-up: Popular yellow accessory: Lance Armstrong bracelet. Unpopular yellow accessory: Terry Nichols. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

{diam}Second runner-up: Turning over in 2005: The Bush Cabinet. Overturning in 2005: The Bush Supreme Court. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

{diam}First runner-up, the winner of the plastic egg of Jasmine-Scented Angel Snot: In: Faith-based programs. Also in: Faith-based pogroms. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: In: The Army you have. Out: The secretary of defense you have. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

Out: Mistletoe. In: Trigger finger. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Economic fears: Big box stores. Epidemic fears: Big pox stores. (Peter Metrinko)

Deflating: U.S. bonds. Inflating: Barry Bonds. (Jack Cackler, Falls Church)

Out: United States of America. In: States of America. (Tom Boyle, Laurel)

Out: Going to a fight and having a hockey game break out. In: Going to a fight and having a basketball game break out. (Marty McCullen)

Out: Sanctions for other countries' prisoner abuses. In: Sanctioning your own country's prisoner abuses. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.)

Increasing: Teenage driving accidents. Decreasing: Teenage parking accidents. (Marleen May, Rockville)

Sad: Having to recall 9/11. Bad: Having to redial 911. (Russell Beland)

Out: Photocopying your butt. In: Scanning your butt and enhancing it with Photoshop. (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

State Department under Colin Powell: Increasingly irrelevant. FCC under Michael Powell: Decreasingly irreverent. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Covered by insurance: Botulism in your stomach. Not covered by insurance: Botulism on your forehead. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Out: Arming for foreign scrapes. In: Scraping for foreign armor. (Joseph Romm)

Halftime peep show: Janet Jackson. Full-time peep show: Paris Hilton. (Tom Witte)

Buoyant: Homer Simpson. Syncing: Ashlee Simpson. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Out: Toe rings. In: Ring tones. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

In: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Out: Seven Grooms for Seven Brothers. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)

Promised: Tax relief. Guaranteed: Tycoon engorging. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Out: Orange alert. In: Pink alert. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Greek sex: Alexander. Geek sex: Kinsey. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

Out: Burkas. In: Kevlar. (Eric Murphy, Chicago)

Out: Civil rights. In: Uncivil righteousness. (Tom Witte)

Out: Motivational speaking. In: Motivational spanking. (Chris Doyle, Freeport, Bahamas)

People who disagree: NHL players and owners. People who care: . (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Reality: Living with your wife. Reality TV: Living with someone else's wife. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

"Unfortunate" Lemony: Jude Law. Fortunate Limey: Jude Law. (Brendan Beary)

Show About Wretches: The Bachelor. Show About Retches: Fear Factor. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

Out: MP3s. In: MP-5s. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Down: U.S. dollar. Up: U.S. dolor. (Stanley Halbert, Lawrence, Kan.)

Red skin: Symbol of ozone depletion. Redskins: Symbol of end zone depletion. (Tom Witte)

Supreme Indianapolis Colt: Peyton Manning. Supreme Indianapolis Dolt: Ron Artest. (Chris Doyle)

Out: Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. In: Patriotism is the first refuge of the scoundrel. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Lights on: Dubya's Christmas tree. Nobody's home: Dubya's Cabinet. (Brendan Beary)

Gay Marriage: Elton John. Day Marriage: Britney Spears. (Stanley Halbert)

Foolish notion: Capturing bin Laden by invading Iraq. Foolish nation: United Red States of America. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

In: Brian Williams. Out of here like a West Texas windstorm, like a polecat in a pile driver, like a . . . hey, wait, I've got more . . . : Dan Rather. (Brendan Beary)

Czar: Week after week with no ink. Empress: Week after week with no ink. (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)