Week 590: Send Us the Bill
The DeMint-Toomey Campaign Finance Enhancement Act.
The Tauzin-Cleaver bill to promote safety in the kitchen.
The Dent-Costa-Moore-Green bill for oversight of auto repair shops.
This week's contest: The list appearing elsewhere on this page consists of the last names of the newly elected members of Congress, including those who slid over from the House to the Senate, as well as the members they displaced. In our seventh edition of this contest, your challenge is to come up with a bill sponsored by any combination of these people and explain the purpose of the bill, as in the examples above.
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives a totally unedited CD of Style Invitational Losers "singing" 13 of the Christmas carol political parodies that were featured here last week.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 3. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.
Report from Week 586, in which we sought variations on "If God . . ." jokes.
Submitted by many: If God hadn't wanted us to invade Iraq, God wouldn't have put all that oil there.
Third runner-up: If God had wanted us to read, He would have invented the Book Channel. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.)
Second runner-up: If God hadn't wanted men to be thoughtful, romantic lovers, God wouldn't have invented halftime. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
First runner-up, the winner of the "Nuns Having Fun" calendar: If God had wanted us to be politically correct, He would have given "those people" a little sense of humor. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
And the winner of the Inker: If God didn't want sex to be considered dirty, He wouldn't have put it . . . y'know . . . down there. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Honorable Mentions
If God wanted us to love our neighbors as ourselves, God would have made our neighbors as lovable as we are.
(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)
If God had wanted Americans to elect John Kerry, God would have prevented Saddam Hussein from launching the 9/11 attack. (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)
If God had wanted us to be vegetarians, God would have had Disney design all the animals. (Marty Pearl, Arlington)
If God didn't want fat people to wear thongs, He wouldn't have invented shoehorns. (Niels Hoven, Berkeley, Calif.)
If God had wanted the people of the world to live in peace and harmony, God should have stuck to just one name.
(Michael Levy, Silver Spring)
If God hadn't wanted us to be culturally refined and discriminating, He wouldn't have found it necessary to invent the subtle, elegant differences in taste and bouquet of nacho cheese dip, Cheez Whiz, Cheeto dust and Velveeta.
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
If God didn't want me to run naked through the shopping mall, then He wouldn't turn himself into a little brown three-legged dog and repeatedly tell me to do it. (Bird Waring, New York)
If God hadn't wanted us to kill each other, God wouldn't have made some of us so damn annoying.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
If God had wanted us to floss regularly, He would have given us those funny little snake tongues.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
If God hadn't wanted us to pick our noses, God wouldn't have made our nostrils pinkie-shaped.
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
If God had wanted men to care for infants, God would have made them self-cleaning, like ovens. (Chris Doyle)
If God had wanted us to elect John Kerry, He would have taken the time to vote, but no -- voting is "too mortal."
(Russell Beland)
If God hadn't wanted us to covet our neighbor's wife, God wouldn't have made her such a tomato.
(Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.)
If God wanted us to think being gay was wrong, He never would have let Clarence be George Bailey's guardian angel.
(Mike Cisneros, Centreville)
If God didn't want us to brush our teeth, God wouldn't have invented bidets. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
If God hadn't wanted us to put on weight, He would have given us six rectums. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
If God had wanted Julia Roberts to be in so many movies, God would have given her another facial expression.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
If God had wanted us to spell it
"Filipino," He'd have made the country the Filipines. (Russell Beland)
If God had meant us to believe that the world and all its life forms were created 5,000 years ago, He wouldn't have given us radioisotope dating techniques. That is, unless God is a liar.
(Ken Gallant, Little Rock)
If God hadn't wanted us to be gay, God wouldn't have made members of the same sex so attractive.
(Karen Shimansky, Emmitsburg, Md.)
If God had wanted us to do sit-ups, God would have put one of those recliner handles on our right sides. (Chris Doyle)
If God had wanted us to back into our parking spaces, God would have given us eyes in the backs of our heads. And maybe we'd be able to make that beeping noise with our, er, noses.
(Tom Witte)
If God wanted us to all vote Republican, God would have given us all lobotomies, instead of just 51 percent of us.
(Marleen May, Rockville)
If God had wanted men to talk towomen, He'd have made us all women.
(Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)
If God had wanted us to be entirely hetero, God would have put us on a bigger planet. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
If God hadn't wanted Bill Clinton to campaign for John Kerry, He would've . . . oh, um . . . (Judith Cottrill, New York)
If God didn't want us to have wrinkles, God would have implanted little winches behind our ears.
(Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)
If God had wanted the rain forests to survive, God wouldn't have invented Stephen King. (Chuck Smith)
If God had wanted more English people, God would have given them more than just a stiff upper lip. (Chuck Smith)
If God had wanted us to wear pantyhose, God would have put our crotches at our knees. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
If God hadn't wanted us to watch reality TV, God wouldn't have given us schadenfreude. (Pam Sweeney)
If God wanted us to tithe, He would give us all 11.11 percent raises.
(Russell Beland)
If God hadn't wanted me to peek into the women's shower at the gym, God wouldn't have waited so long to give me a sign, don't you think?
(Marc Leibert, New York)
If God hadn't wanted us to put a "u" in "humour," God would have spelt it "hmor." (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)
If God had wanted us to speak in gender-neutral pronouns, He or She would have made the English language so cumbersome in this regard so we could adequately express His or Her desire.
(Marc Leibert)
If God hadn't wanted us to run out of gas, God wouldn't have driven past that gas station you pointed out six miles back. So fine, I'm not God. Happy now? (Tom Kreitzberg)