Week 589: Hyphen the Terrible (New Edition!)
Sen-mo: How college students tend to sign letters to their parents.
Presi-cracy: The spending of political capital.
Bor-brew: Budweiser gets a new name.
One of the Invitational's most frequent contests was one in which readers combined the halves of any two words that were hyphenated in that day's paper. This contest, however, didn't adapt well to the 21st century, because readers of the Invitational on The Post's Web site never see a hyphen. So for this week's contest: Combine the beginning of any multi-syllabic word in this week's Invitational with the end of any other multi-syllabic word in this column (or in this week's Web supplement) to coin a new word, and then define it, as in the examples above. If the word has more than two syllables, the "beginning" or "end" can be as long as you like (short of the whole word), but it must break at an actual syllable break.
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up receives -- just in time to be too late for Christmas -- a plush stocking sent by a studio hoping to gain publicity for "Christmas With the Kranks," the movie The Washington Post lovingly described as a "festering pile of celluloid." Inside this stocking we will add a genuine lump of anthracite coal.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 27. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 16. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield, who also offered the idea for this week's contest.
Report from Week 585, in which we asked for parodies of holiday songs in which you gave some advice to our nation's leaders or the Loyal Opposition.
There were far too many worthy songs than would fit in the paper, so be sure to check out Volume 2 of the Honorable Mentions at www.washingtonpost.com (just type "Style Invitational" in the search bar at the top of the home page), where there's also a Special Holiday Bonus -- a link to some genuine Style Invitational Losers attempting to warble a few of these songs into a microphone at this year's Loser Holiday Party.
Second runner-up: To "The Chipmunk Song"
Congress, Congress, time is here,
Time for payback, time for cheer.
We came through and helped you win.
Hurry now, we're cashing in.
Want a justice on the court,
One who won't let them abort.
We can hardly stand the wait,
So, Congress, don't be late.
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
First runner-up, the winner of the door hanging made out of two straw hats:
To "Winter Wonderland"
We pledge death in elections!
We kill crooks with injections!
'Tis time that they go that mile down Death Row,
Here in Texas' Penitentiary.
They've used up their appeals,
Now we'll serve their last meals,
Because they did shoot, we'll execute,
Push the needle in for all to see.
Once upon a time we'd have some hangings,
Put ropes around their necks and drop them down,
Then we sat them in a chair and fried them,
Until the crooks were golden crispy brown.
Murderers get no pardon,
Governors, their hearts harden,
And then if we see another crime spree,
It's more shots in our penitentiary.
(Fred Dawson, Beltsville)
And the winner of the Inker: To "White Christmas"
Start dreaming of your wife's kisses. You have to be the perfect mate.
When you're chasing skirts, Bill, It only hurts Hil
For prez in two thousand and eight.
Start dreaming of your wife's kisses. Behave as if she's Mrs. Right.
May you kiss and hold her real tight. And may your next residence be White. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean)
Honorable Mentions
To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Putin the Red knows tactics
He learned at the KGB.
Rigging Ukraine's election,
That's a covert specialty.
He's not for spreading freedom,
He just wants complete control.
Mr. Bush, one suggestion:
Look again into his soul.
(Harvey Smith, McLean)
To "Here We Come a-Wassailing"
Kerry, don't be waffling while on the Senate floor,
Kerry, don't be flip-flopping, or you'll get votes no more,
Why'd you have to concede?
You're the man that we need,
Please come back to be pres'dent after four more painful years,
Please come back after four more painful years.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
To "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
Iraqing around the GOP at the Grand Old Party hop,
Needing an exit strategy because the war won't stop.
Iraqing around the GOP and rejecting the U.N.
Bringing Iraq democracy, though we don't know how or when.
You will get a sentimental
feeling when we say,
"Sunni clerics, come see how we
Rig the voting for Allawi."
Iraqing around the GOP while the war is far away.
Wondering why the whole world hates
The good . . . old . . . U . . . S . . . A!
(Barbara Sarshik)
To "Sleigh Ride"
They've got more ayatollahs
And way more mountains than sand,
What went wrong in Fallujah
Would go 10 times worse in Iran.
(Mark Young, Washington)
To "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
O little blue Northeastern state,
We fear you do us wrong;
Though we're the saved and you're depraved,
We still should get along.
You godless sons of Sodom,
Your souls are damned, we know;
You'll burn in Hell, but please do tell
Why you resent us so.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
God rest ye, Joseph Lieberman, on every Sabbath day.
The voters will respect a man who takes the time to pray.
But won't you please sing songs about a one-horse open sleigh?
A small thing to comfort a goy, comfort a goy,
A small thing to comfort a goy.
According to the latest polls, the voters do agree
It's fine to chant in Hebrew wearing your phylactery,
As long as you will also light the White House Christmas tree.
A small thing to comfort a goy, comfort a goy,
A small thing to comfort a goy.
(Barbara Sarshik)
To "We Three Kings of Orient Are"
We two queens of one common bed
Wish to marry before we are dead.
Please, oh Congress, right wing, nonetheless
Legally, let us wed. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
To "O Christmas Tree"
O FCC, O FCC,
How goshdarned moral must we be?
O FCC, O FCC,
Must we show naught but purity
To keep from getting fined big dough
When we go on a TV show?
O FCC, O FCC,
To [heck] with this insanity.
(Fred Souk, Reston)
Web supplement for Week 585 song parodies
More Honorable Mentions
More Honorable Mentions from Week 585 of The Style Invitational, political parodies of holiday songs:
To "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
_____Audio_____
• To "The Chipmunk Song," by Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.
• To "Deck the Halls," by Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.
• To "Winter Wonderland," by Fred Dawson, Beltsville
• To "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," by Barbara Sarshik, McLean
• To "White Christmas," by Barbara Sarshik, McLean
• To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen," by Brendan Beary, Great Mills
• To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen," by Barbara Sarshik McLean
• To "Good King Wenceslaus," by Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.
• To "O Come All Ye Faithful," by Shirley Grossman, McLean
• To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," by Brendan Beary, Great Mills
• To "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming," by Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring
• To "The Christmas Song," by Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.
To "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
You better watch out, you better not groan,
Better not pout, your cover is blown.
Porter Goss is coming to town.
He's making a list of agents who bitch;
Gonna find out who's likely to snitch.
Porter Goss is coming to town.
He'll catch you when you're leaking,
He'll know if you're a snake,
He'll find out when you help the Dems,
And you'll pay, make no mistake!
Oh! You better watch out! You're lookin' for grief.
Better not flout the CIA chief.
Porter Goss is coming to town. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
To "Deck the Halls"
Block the vote and filibuster
Blahblahblahblahblah, blahblahblahblah.
Make a speech devoid of luster
Blahblahblahblahblah, blahblahblahblah.
Make it boring and appalling
Blahblahblah . . .
Just so you succeed in stalling
Blahblahblah . . . (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
To "Away in a Manger" (addressed to the Republican Party):
DeLay is a danger too great to ignore.
Although you got lucky in two thousand four.
If Tom is indicted for his dirty tricks,
You won't be so lucky in two thousand six. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean)
To "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus,
Then they took them both away last night . . . (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
To "Good King Wenceslaus"
Colin Powell don't get down
Now that you are leavin'
Write a book and roast that town
Better to get even.
Tell it like it really is
Don't pull any punches
You'll make millions standing and
Speaking at big lunches. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
To "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"
You've a mandate, Mr. Bush,
Don't heal that divide
Shove it up the liberals' (nostrils)
You've got Heaven on your side, Mr. Buuuuuuuu-ush!
Fifty-one of 100 votes is . . .
A God-sent landsliiiiiiiiiide!!!
(Bob Jones III, Greenville, S.C.) (Jim Proulx, Renton, Wash.)
To "Winter Wonderland"
Step away from the oil,
Or our rep you will spoil,
We've been there too long
Where we don't belong,
Walking 'round on other people's sand. (Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk)
To "Silver Bells"
Global warming, tax reforming,
Cleaning Hummer exhaust,
Medicare goes the way of big business.
Immigration, education,
When we add up the cost,
Then on every street corner we'll hear:
Future bills! Future bills!
Deficit time in committee.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
Soon it will be time to pay. (Barbara Sarshik)
To "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")
George Bush boasting of his newest hire
Cheney's ripping on his foes:
Al Gonzales being praised by the choir
As folks dress up his legal prose.
Everybody knows Alberto's gonna strike a blow,
Help to prove that might is right.
Qaeda pals down in Guantanamo
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know Alberto's on his way
He's putting lots of ploys and gambits on display;
'Cause every terrorist and every spy
Will see Geneva's silly rules don't apply.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To those we capture and pursue:
You're blessed and our guest for the rest of your days,
Merry Gitmo to you. (Chris Doyle)
---
Come the Rapture, can I have your cat?
'Cause I won't be goin' up with you.
Not that I don't think that Jesus is phat,
It's just because I am a Jew . . . (Michelle Stupak)
To "We Three Kings of Orient Are"
DOD, we travel afar, try to burnish W's star,
Those we don't like we're first to strike,
Who cares just what facts there are?
Oh . . . fools rush in without a doubt,
Showing off our awful clout,
Fools rush in but do they win
If they get in and can't get out? (John Held, Fairfax)
To "Up on a Housetop"
Straddlin' the fence, McCain will wait,
Hoping the GOP will nominate.
Bad taste still lingers in his gorge
Having to stump with curious George.
Ho, ho, ho, why did you go?
Ho, ho, ho, could've laid low
On the campaign trail in oh-oh-eight
You'll get no pity from the fourth estate. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
To "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming"
Lo, how a debt e'er booming
From tender Shrub hath grown.
Of Dubya's tax cuts coming,
The screw-up is your own.
You put us in the red
And there'll be hell to pay here,
As Greenspan now doth moan. (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring)
To "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
God rest ye, lefty justices, your circumstance is dire;
Take care you not fall ill or unexpectedly expire.
A bench of right-wing ideologues is Dubya's deep desire,
Your retiring's a plum that he'd enjoy, plum he'd enjoy,
Your retiring's a plum that he'd enjoy. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
---
Arrest those hairy gentlemen
And kick them in the tush.
They had the nerve to enter in
A campaign speech by Bush . . . (Ira R. Allen, Bethesda)
----
Increase the budget deficit, red ink should not dismay,
We've just seen that most voters only care about today,
Contributors will give you more when they've less tax to pay,
Tax cutting gives comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
Tax cutting gives comfort and joy.
"We can accept a deficit," most Democrats agree
("As long as it is spent for health," said poor old John Kerry).
So spending more and taxing less helps national unity,
Tax cutting gives comfort and joy . . .
Of course we know this growing debt our children must repay,
But let's be honest with ourselves, we matter more than they!
Besides they're mostly ingrates -- we'll get back at them this way,
Tax cutting gives comfort and joy . . .
So raise the budget deficit, a trillion bucks at least,
The red states will approve of this (who cares about the East?).
When services begin to fail, rejoice, you've "starved the beast."
Tax cutting gives comfort and joy. (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase)
To "White Christmas"
I'm dreaming of a right Congress
Just like the one we hammered through.
Where the left's retreatin'
'Cause they were beaten,
And red states dominate the blue.
I'm dreaming of a right Congress
With every Democrat we smite.
May the daze of Kerry delight,
And may all our Congresses be right. (Chris Doyle)
To "O Come, All Ye Faithful"
O come ye consumer,
Come ye with good humor:
Behold, the economy is in your hand.
Max out your Visa
Though you're no Teresa.
The deficit is high now,
The Treasury is dry now,
So buy and buy and buy now
To save this land. (Shirley Grossman, McLean)
To "Up on the Housetop"
Up to the White House, quick, quick, quick,
For the Court judicial pick.
Rehnquist is out and you're the Man,
Key to the Right's strategic plan.
Time to go! Go, Rudy, go!
Please for me, Judge Rudy G,
Up to the White House and report:
Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court. (Jeff Brechlin)
To "What Child Is This?"
What child is this who's left behind
By cuts in federal spending?
The Congress could inflict some good
In the omnibus bill that is pending. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton)
To "The First Noel"
In '48 was born a state
Where war followed war and hate followed hate
Departments of State negotiate,
It's 50 years later and still we wait.
Oh well, oh well; oh hell, oh hell.
Colin's not going to Israel. (Shirley Grossman)
To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
Have yourself a merry filibuster, while we pack the courts;
Though your task is futile, we can be good sports.
Have yourself a jolly little gabfest, fight our spending bills;
You just look so cute when tilting at windmills!
When one's in the minority, it's no cup of tea, it's true.
Now your party is so bereft, this is all you've left to do.
Just adhere to Robert's Rules of Order; that much we'll allow.
We'll get our agenda rammed through anyhow,
So have yourself a merry filibuster now. (Brendan Beary)
To "Santa Baby"
Tony baby, slip a baseball underneath the tree, for me
Stop a-wandering the world
Tony baby, hurry back to D.C. tonight.
Tony baby, a head of schools who's willing to stay -- let's pray
I'll wait up for that, dear
Tony baby, hurry back to D.C. tonight. (Sara Simons, Washington)
To "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear"
It came upon a mandate clear,
Our country's direction to take,
So now, I sleep with my children near,
And hope, in four years, I'll awake. (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)
To "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Arnold the governator
Used to be a movie star
Now he's a politician
Who, like Reagan, could go far.
But when the founding fathers
Put our country's rules in place,
They wouldn't let poor Arnold
Join the presidential race.
Then one close election eve
Congress came to say,
"Arnold, with this race so tight,
Won't you lead our country right?"
Adding a quick amendment
Nailed it for the GOP.
Arnold the governator,
You'll rewrite our history. (Sara Simons, Washington, and Erika Reinfeld, Somerville, Mass.)
---
Ralphie the lame campaigner
Made a very solemn oath:
He'd knock off corp'rate welfare
And promote domestic growth.
All of the Dems were hostile,
So they laughed and called him names.
They wouldn't let poor Nader
Play in the election games.
But maybe next election eve
Democrats will say,
"Ralphie, your ideas are great,
Won't you be our candidate?"
Then how they all will love him
As they're shouting out with glee,
"Nader, you are our savior,
You'll defeat the GOP!" (Chris Doyle)
To "The Dreidel Song"
We targeted Tom Daschle, and now he's lost his seat.
And if you cause us trouble, you too will be dead meat.
Daschle! Daschle! Daschle! You Dems should heed the sign,
That you'll end up like Daschle, if you step out of line! (Bill Frist, Washington) (Brendan Beary)
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A4490-2004Dec16.html
From the Loser Holida Party in January: https://soundcloud.com/myerspat/style-invitational-carol