Week 577: Teledubbies


Six Feet Udder: Animal Planet joins the makeover-show craze, with plastic surgeons doing an augmentation on a cow.

The O'Really Factor: Noted skeptics dispute the rantings of TV hosts.

This week's contest, suggested by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa.: Slightly change the title of a TV show, past or present, and describe it. (We're deliberately being vague on what "slightly" means, but an alteration of a single letter, as in the examples above, is often the cleverest.) First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a delightfully tacky table lamp whose shade is composed of glass strips featuring pictures of deer. Best of all, there seems to be no mechanism for turning on its three bulbs. There's no way that we will risk putting this invaluable item in the mail, so the prize will go to the highest-placing entrant who is willing to fetch it at the Post building downtown. (Please indicate said willingness on your entry.)

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 4. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Oct. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jon Reiser of Hilton, N.Y.

Here's an odd idea, but a perversely intriguing one, pitched to the Empress all summer long by Russell Beland of Springfield: Why not, Russ suggests, print an occasional "Anti-Invitational" entry along with the regular results? By this he means an entry that would be directly opposite what was asked for in the contest. For example, for the "product placement"

contest below, you could have sent in one that takes out the name of the product, e.g., "She said, son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't stop driving that hot rod American luxury sedan." So all right, feel free to send in such entries if they seem to fit that week's contest. Some weeks, they just aren't going to work: How would you do an anti-limerick?

Report from Week 573, in which we asked you to insert product placements into biblical and other literary passages.
Invitational contests sometimes take a tack we hadn't had in mind; in this case a number of Losers gave us ad slogans that were takeoffs on some line from literature. But as long as the entries were funny, only a chronic complainer would object to such a variation -- and this week, even he sent in some ad slogans.

Third runner-up: Kunta Kinte, you old African! I finally found you -- by using the Verizon Yellow Pages. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

Second runner-up: Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a Q-tip for? (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

First runner-up, winner of the bathing-elephant ceramic toothbrush holder: And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the amazing Ginsu knife to slay his son, and the angel of the Lord called out, "But wait, there's more!" (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner of the Inker:

Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, there's Trojans{+T}{+M}. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)

Honorable Mentions:

And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, for there is good news: the Lord saveth a bunch of money on His car insurance by switching to Geico. (David Iscoe, Washington; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Because I could not stop for death,

I went to Meineke. (Peter Metrinko)

And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the Camel. And Rebekah said: "Lo, surely that was worth a mile's walk."

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat,

They took some honey, and plenty of money -- but they didn't take American Express.

(Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)

And when he that hath an issue is cleansed of his issue; then he shall number to himself seven days for his Tucks{reg} Pre-Moistened Pads, and shall be clean. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

The vice presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm Mountain Dew.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If you prick us, do we not require a Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage?

(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary

Over yet another eerie puddle on the kitchen floor,

Suddenly the door was rappin'. 'Twas the men with my new Tappan,

Frost-free, ice-dispensin' Tappan. Buy Amana? Nevermore.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

His wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of Morton's; as it is said: When it raineth, it poureth.

(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

The lark's on the wing; the snail's on the thorn; God's in his heaven; and we're going to Disney World!

(Chris J. Strolin, Belleville, Ill.)

To dust thou shall return -- unless thou dost secure a weekly service plan with Merry Maids{+T}{+M}.

(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it; for behold, Wisk shall wash it away, yea, even the dirtiest rings.

(Kyle Hendrickson, Dunkirk; Roy Ashley, Washington)

Honor shall uphold the humble; but if that faileth, thou shouldst consider Viagra. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done. Thanks, Ex-Lax!

(Russell Beland)

Let me enlighten you and show you which way to go; let me offer counsel; my eye is on you. Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, or as the dummy who doth not watch "Dr. Phil's Primetime Special," tonight on CBS.

(Jane Auerbach)

At BASF, we didn't start the fire . . .

(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

For oft when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood
They flash upon that inward eye
That is the bliss of solitude,
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the Prozac pills.

(Dan Nooter, Washington)

Ich bin ein Berlitzer. (Russell Beland)

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass . . . that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother; yet it was no match for Bounty paper towels . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Oh the shark bites with his teeth, dear,
And he keeps them Rembrandt white.
Aris Light gloves wears old Macheath, dear,
But they don't fit -- they're too tight.

(Brendan Beary)

The mystic chords of our memories' Stratocaster stretch from every battlefield and patriot grave . . . (Russell Beland)

This is the way the world ends,
With loud bangs from Patriot missiles made by Raytheon. (Roy Ashley)